The Perfect Soundwave Timetable

I understand that there are some people who feel upset about the current Soundwave timetable. That's cool, it's your right to disagree with the festival's programming and I know that they love to hear all of your suggestions as to how you can make it better.

So, here's mine.

We're pretty sure Soundwave will take this onboard and, when they do, I hope you'll follow my lead.

10.30am: Pat the sniffer dogs, have a laugh with the cops, give all the security guards a handshake and bound through the gates after waiting patiently in line and grinning widely at your fellow festival folk.

11am: Sharks – Rollicking British punk rock to get the day started nicely.

11.30am: Crossfaith – Get rowdy with one of Japan's finest metalcore acts. Wish that you were Japanese for a half hour or so.

12 noon: The Lawrence Arms – Smash a beer and singalong to this most excellent band from the Fat Wreck roster. Maybe try and find a girl or boy to talk bounce cute pop-culture references off for a while.

12.30pm: Fozzy – Just pull wrestling moves on everyone watching the band. Do not hold back. You've been training for this, you cannot back down now.

1pm: Police Station – They remember you from before, so you're cool. Just promise them you'll show up in court in three weeks' time and put on a fake moustache and glasses and slip outta there. Too easy, bro.

1.45pm: Tomahawk – Grab a sausage on bread, sit in the grandstand and hope that they play plenty from their first record. Yell out for Jesus Lizard and Melvins songs, annoy everyone around you. They don't understand.

2.30pm: The Vandals – Get back in the pit and jump around like a loon. Laugh at the jokes, sing along to the songs, reminisce about that pair of Sketchers you used to love so much and wonder if it'd be okay if you went back to wearing a chain on your pants.

3.20pm: Orange Goblin – Ask the dude with the big beard if you can have a draw of his cigarette (you quit smoking, remember?). Get mesmerised by a moth fluttering in front of you as the big riffs crash down.

4.10pm: The Sword – That damn moth is still there! So thirsty. Riffs are still sick. Is this the same band as before? Where's my wallet? Might have another sausage on bread. Hahaha that damn moth is still there!

5pm: Sleeping With Sirens – Okay all these young kids are freaking you out and you need to get out of here immediately.

5.15pm: Duff McKagan's Loaded – Okay all these old people are freaking you out and you need to get out of here immediately.

5.30pm: Killswitch Engage – Since when did that old singer rejoin the band?! Siiiiiiick. Feel like you're waking up.

6pm: Madball – Take notes about everything Freddie says on your phone. Also make a note about emailing him to see if he would be willing to be your life-coach.

6.30pm: ***Special Guest*** – It's The Madden Brothers!!! Make note to find some fried chicken and recharge mobile phone credit.

7.15pm: Bring Me The Horizon – Time to jump around a bit more, lie to people about not liking anything after Suicide Silence while you're really just holding out for It Never Ends.

8pm: Metallica – Metallicaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarghhgqhhwghaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaejhgrhhfffgrrghjjjjaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

11pm: Slayer – It's fucking Slayer. Go fucking crazy. Don't tell the Satanists to cheer up, that's a real douche move.

Midnight: Paramore – With it being past all the kids' bedtimes you can finally get to enjoy a Paramore set the way it should be appreciated. Pull out that cigar you've been holding onto and grab a glass of red from the bar.

1am: Lucero – Who would have thought a Ben Nichols/Hayley Williams duet would work so well and flow seamlessly into another boisterous Lucero set?

2am: Kyuss Lives – Hey there's that guy with the beard. I wonder if he'll let you have another drag of his smoke, that cigar really gave you the taste.

3am: Cypress Hill – Can't move. Can't stop laughing. Feel sleepy. Must go on. Why is everyone smoking all of a sudden?

8.30am: DragonForce – Wake up on the grass just as the British power metal masters are ready to start. Jog around the grounds with their inspirational shredding pumping through your mind. Healthy body, healthy mind.

9.15am: All Time Low – Those kids are back and aren't they glad that Soundwave changed the timetable and the governing laws that meant there were so many pesky clashes!

10am: Flogging Molly – This seems as good an excuse as any to go to the bar again.

11am: Confession – Talk about hardcore with a young buck.

11.45am: Gallows – Be overly and unfairly critical about everything that Wade MacNeil does. “There's no way Frank would walk across the stage like that after the fourth song.”

12.30pm: Sick Of It All – Talk about hardcore with an old dude.

1pm: Fucked Up – Where did all of these hipsters come from? Discuss the “leggings as pants” phenomenon with a man wearing a t-shirt emblazoned with a picture of a cat.

2.45pm: Cerebral Ballzy – The hipsters kind of seem angry and violent, but they're so puny that it's kinda cute.

3.15pm: Stone Sour – Be that guy/girl who yells out for Wait And Bleed. Everyone finds you hilarious. You are brilliant.

4.15pm: A Perfect Circle – Spend exactly 24 seconds yelling out for Tool songs before someone pulls your pants down and everyone laughs at you. Go into the bathroom and cry.

5.30pm: Sum 41 – Lose a $40 bet with a guy who tries to convince you that Sum 41 sang In Too Deep, not Good Charlotte.

6.30pm: Blink-182 – Laugh at the masturbation jokes. Give the evil eye to the dude yelling out for Angels & Airwaves songs. Some people have no respect.

7.30pm: The Offspring – Win a $40 bet with a girl who reckons Lit sang Why Don't You Get A Job, not The Offspring.

8.30pm: Garbage – Make a list of your Top Five Butch Vig moments of the past 25 years. Don't tell anyone about it because they wouldn't understand.

9.15pm: Chelsea Grin – Learn what Chelsea Grin means. Vomit uncontrollably for the remainder of the set.

10pm: Bullet For My Valentine – It's around this time that you come up with the concept of an all-Welsh music festival to take place in Australia during August. How can it fail?

11pm: Periphery – You know what? It's probably best that you gave up playing guitar when you were 24. You really weren't very good and this band is proving that.

11.30pm: The Wonder Years – Family Ties was a pretty damn good name though. Better than Celsea Grin. Maybe you could get them back together?

12.15am: Billy Talent – So glad there were no clashes. Don't think about sleep. Sleep is for the weak. “Cast off the crutch that kills the pain!!!”

1am: Linkin Park – So tired. Don't even care anymore. Everything that everyone says to you just brings you one step closer to the edge and you're about to break.

8.30am: Wake up on the grass again. You missed Mindless Self Indulgence, you missed The Dear Hunter, you missed The Amity Affliction, you missed so much. You have to be at work in half an hour.

How dare Soundwave make you miss all this stuff?!?! Don't they know how much you paid for the damn ticket?!?!