It's back. And it rated its nipple pasties off.
Over a million viewers tuned in to the Seven Network for last Tuesday night's season debut of Dancing With The Stars. There, they witnessed a dance-off involving a cooking competition contestant, a magician in search of a Vegas residency, a soap starlet, a pageant winner, a man who would have been hosting the show had been around in the '80s, a man who will be hosting the show if it's still around in the '20s with an exclusive deal to broadcast in cabs only, a pair of Olympians, toothy twin male models, the only ex-Young Talent Timer who didn't need to take this job and a 'Jonesy'.
Yep, seeing Tina Arena stoop to this was sad enough but there were five much sadder moments:
REMEMBERING HEY HEY IT'S SATURDAY
Lucky for current host Daniel MacPherson, most people seeing him here aren't asking the question, “Weren't you starring in the hit UK TV cop show The Bill back in the day?” They are too busy wondering what happened to the original host… y'know, the pink ostrich's mate. Ex-drummer Daryl Somers was given an escape from obscurity in 2004, when producers tapped him to front this return to old-fashioned-style variety TV. In one of local TV's worst risk pay-offs ever, he bailed to return to even more old-fashioned style variety TV – the return, by public demand, of Hey Hey It's Saturday on another network. That show was cancelled due to an even greater public demand. In comparison, MacPherson at least has a gig.
Male of the century? (Pic from DWTS Facebook)
MAKING US YEARN FOR “TV PERSONALITIES OF OLD”
Tony Barber is one those ultimate old-school entertainment all-rounders. Back in the day he was one of the stable that made Nine a ratings powerhouse in the '80s. He was the white sheep of the Nine family (Darryl Somers was the annoying ram), someone who made you think “You know what? It's alright for the Logies to exist if it means a nice guy like that can get recognised somewhere for his services to keeping grannies happy.” But now? Our variety shows now seem to be fronted by actors-in-waiting-for-their-next-drama-series-role, retired sportspeople, ex-work experience TV music and/or kids show hosts exotically named (or re-named) Tura and Osher. Or else, there's Eddie Maguire (a sad, albeit wealthy, remnant of Nine's glory days). These new-millennium presenters are paid to blend in – no network wants the presenter to be more important than the brand, they must be easily replaced by the next person who fits the suit (or frock for those chosen to front Big Brother).
JUDGING ADAM GARCIA
Thought the nadir of this internationally famous Australian triple-threat's career was his '90s cover of Bee Gees' Night Fever? Not anymore. Before accepting his role as judge on this series, did Garcia ask himself, “Would Hugh Jackman do this?” [Note: Had Garcia asked himself this question the answer would have been: “Even Jackman's wife wouldn't do this…” ] Because just four years ago Garcia was guesting in HBO's Flight Of The Conchords and most recently he appeared as a regular in NBC's Camp. Now this? Here's hoping he just took the gig as a way to fund a visit back to his family here.
BEING FORCED TO WONDER WHAT HAPPENS TO OUT-OF-WORK WEATHER PRESENTERS
Googling Dancing's new co-host Edwina Bartholomew teaches you that she was once a 'weather presenter' on Sunrise. One would assume that means she chats about wind patterns while on location with finger-painting pre-schoolers or at a new shopping centre opening (most likely crossing paths with Justice Crew setting up for a gig in the food hall). It seems she once studied journalism and scored an internship at Sunrise. Now she's made it here – a shining beacon of hope for all journalist students who aspire to bouncy hair and permagrins over becoming a bitter online reviewer who doesn't even need to change out of their pajamas during 'work hours'. It should make you happy, but then you get to thinking “what about the ones who didn't make it up from the bottom rung of the TV presenting ladder?” You then wonder, “whatever happened to…” and you can't even remember one name from the passing parade of weather people. Maybe you get a hazy flashback of a rubber chicken pointing at a weather map or, for older viewers, a bikini-clad lass writing temperatures on a board. Some made it, but others… Note to self: be polite to the next spruiker offering you medicine-glass-sized juice samples at the supermarket, they may have once been the person who reminded you to take an umbrella to work and saved you from an unseasonal drenching.
Oh Cosentino...
REALISING THAT YOU ARE ACTUALLY WATCHING NOT-GOOD DANCING
The judges are the best talent here. But they are sitting behind a desk. The second-best talent here belongs to the celebrity contestants' dance partners and they are being handicapped by those very partners. Go see an amateur production of Oliver or Fame instead, there's bound to be one within five suburbs of you. Just head to your nearest Mechanics Institute Hall and you'll witness more enthusiastic dance routines than “Grand Illusionist” (Note: this title is capitalised in promotional material) Cosentino will ever muster, no matter how many old Michael Jackson videos he studies.
