I Don’t Know How But They Found Me! Frontman Tells Us About 'A Lie That Got Out Of Hand'

Maybe you don’t recognise the name, but if you caught a Panic! At The Disco show anytime between 2010 to 2017, behind Brendon Urie’s backflipping torso, you would’ve caught Dallon Weekes rocking out on the bass. 

Now, the 37-year-old – who has a really steady, Utah-influenced manner of speaking (a perfect voice for telling stories, to be honest) – has embarked on a journey in his new duo, I Don’t Know How But They Found Me. Unlike P!ATD’s baroque and vaudevillian concepts, IDKHow circles around the concept that they’re a band from the early ‘80s who faded into obscurity, only to have people “uncover” their music now in the year 2019. The band’s YouTube videos state things like, “IDKhow community talent show performance, circa mid-1983. This particular tape, marked only as 'Bowling League Tournament' was recovered from the North Davis County Library basement archives in the late nineties. Its origin is uncertain.” Obviously the music’s ‘80s-flecked too, backed by Falling In Reverse’s Ryan Seaman. 

We don’t get any wild Panic! At The Disco stories in this one, but Dallon’s very charming recollections of growing up in small town America are just as welcome. 

Truth

Dallon: I think we’re talking about fifth grade, early ‘90s. I’d just transferred to a new school and in the boys bathroom there was this mysterious locked door.

Uppy: Okaaay…

D: And we all wondered what was behind it. What was it doing there in the bathroom? And why was it locked? Now this was quite a mystery when you’re in fifth grade. 

U: Totally.

D: We would spend our recess and lunch trying to open this door, somehow. Eventually we came up with a method that worked – a series of paperclips, held together by three different people at one time. 

U: [laughs]

D: We were able to rig the door open that way! Once we got it open, the first time we just couldn’t believe that we had done it. It was kind of scary. It was so dark in there. So we kind of like, peeked our heads in, then the bell rang and we all hurried back to class. But we probably spent the next week or so, every single recess, unlocking this door again and going further and further inside. 

U: It’s like a Chamber Of Secrets situation. 

D: Finally we realised we were in a weird janitorial passageway, between classrooms and to the heating ducts and it went up to the roof of the school, so eventually we got up to that part. The roof of the school. We opened up the hatch and it was like this ocean of… toys and sports paraphernalia that had gotten lost on the roof of the school.

U: You’re kidding right?!

D: No, this is all real! Dodgeballs and soccerballs and all the stuff. Once we made it up to the roof of the school, we immediately started chucking all of these balls and stuff back down to the kids below. We were like the biggest heroes ever. 

U: Wow.

D: But that’s unfortunately also how we got busted. One of the teachers or janitors saw that there were kids up on the roof, so we immediately got busted and sent to the principal’s office. When you’re that old, like 8 or 9, that’s like the most trouble you could EVER be in.

U: Oh, 100%.

D: We were devastated, our lives were over because we’d broken this door and gone up on the roof, somewhere we weren’t supposed to be, and now the principal knows… oh man. So I was SO sad that I would get in so much trouble. My parents were called and when I went home they were like, ‘well, that was dumb!’ and that was it. 

U: So why was there a weird tunnel, hallway system?

D: I guess it was just like this access system for the school’s heating ducts. A grown person wouldn’t have been able to fit inside them, but we were very small at the time. We were crawling between classes and peeking through the heating ducts into the rooms below. We did that for a week.

U: I love that when you guys found all the toys on the roof, you were like, ‘we’re gonna be the man of the people!’ and chucked it all down to the other kids. That’s so funny.

D: Oh yeah, like immediately. All of this stuff should not be up here, we have a responsibility to bring it back to the people!

U: That’s so cute. Where did you go to school?

D: I went to school in Clearfield, Utah. Really small town, I couldn’t tell you how many people were there but probably as many cows and sheep as there are people.

U: Wow. And are you in touch with either of the guys who helped you unlock this mysterious door?

D: Oh man, no. It’s been so long, I don’t think I could even tell you their names if I tried. I had only moved to that school like a few months before so I was still really new. I guess that’s why I was breakin’ the rules, makin’ a name for myself, being a bigshot! 

Truth

D: Here’s another story that you kind of reminded me of, happened a little bit later in life, happened 13, 14 maybe? I’m not exactly sure, it could’ve been younger.   

U: Okay.

D: Growin’ up, my dad taught a martial art called Jeet Kune Do, which is sort of the precursor of mixed martial arts that Bruce Lee invented before he died. 

U: Right.

D: My dad was certified to teach that, so we grew up with that in our lives. He would teach us how to fight and defend ourselves, things like that. A normal daily thing for my brothers and I – and my sister. 

U: How many siblings did you have?

D: I was two of four. So when I was 12 or 13, my dad signed us all up to participate in this fighting tournament. Him and my older brother and I. This was the Utah Summer Games, sort of the state equivalent of the Olympics… you could say.

U: Love it.

D: So my dad, brother and I drove down to southern Utah to fight in this tournament. They divided us up into weight classes, okay. And the whole experience was like a bad ‘80s movie. 

U: Yeah, I can imagine.

D: They lined us up into weight classes and I’m chillin’ against the wall, minding my own business. There were all these hot shots around me, doing their moves, psyching each other out. I was just watching it all happen. 

U: And were you pretty good?

D: Well, lemme finish the story here! 

U: Okay, okay.

D: [laughs] So there’s this one kid in particular who I wanna call Johnny because, he just reminds me of Johnny from Karate Kid. In every way. The attitude, just totally confident. He’s just gonna wipe the floor with everyone and walk away with a gold medal.

U: Yep, a total Johnny.

D: Especially when he’d do the moves and be like, ‘oh man, you’re gonna be so easy, I’m gonna take you down so quick! Oh man, this is gonna be so simple.’ And I’m just chillin’ minding my own business. I’m not like doing any of these movies, I’m not even stretchin’! 

U: You’re like, ‘I’m here ‘cause dad told me to!’ 

D: Yeah, so we do these fights in our individual weight classes and we ended up doing four or five fights each. My older brother won his division and got a gold medal.

U: Cool, cool.

D: My dad got disqualified for making someone’s nose bleed, which I guess at the time was against the rules.

U: Oh wow, okay.

D: And then I won all my fights, but it came down to the last fight, which was me and Johnny Karate Hero. Because of course it did! I won the fight, and as soon as I won and landed that winning blow, he just dropped to his knees and started crying! Like it was a bad ‘80s movie! It was so bizarre.

U: WOW. 

D: Later in the day, when I went up to go get my medal, he grabs me by the shoulder, turns me round and he’s still got tears in his eyes, but he’s decided to change his attitude. He’s like, ‘It was a great fight, man! You won fair and square. You deserve this.’ 

U: [laughs]

D: I’m like, ‘dude, why are you talking to me?’ The whole experience was this BAD ‘80s movie. So we ended up with gold medals and we drove all the way home, I think it was a four-or five-hour drive home. Once we got home, we showed our gold medals to our mum, she was like, ‘that’s great boys! That’s so sweet that your father bought you these gold medals at the gift shop!’

U: [gasp] What. 

D: In her mind, there was NO way her sweet little boys could kick a bunch of butts and win some gold medals. [laughs] 

U: That really sounds like the plot for a bad, B-grade ‘80s movie! Like, down to the sorry Johnny Karate and the white flag waving at the end! 

D: Exactly. That moment where you’ve earnt his respect!

Lie

D: This story happened back when I was a single man, back in the dating world. There was this girl in particular I had been dating for… not very long. But I had decided that our time seeing each other was over. I was kinda over it, and not really into seeing her any more. She was perfectly nice!

U: Yeah. How old were you?

D: I was 22 or 23 maybe? So I sort of realised this while we were on a date, and didn’t really wanna be on the date any more. I wanted to go home, I was over it but I didn’t have the nerve or the fortitude to just be honest with her and say, ‘look, I’m not really into this any more, I just want to go home.’ So I made myself sick instead. 

U: Oh! 

D: Not just like, ‘oh man, I don’t feel good, I should proooobably go home.’ Like, I actually made myself throw up.

U: My god, that is commitment. 

D: You know, it’s a lack of commitment, is what it was! I just didn’t have the courage to just be honest with her, so I made up this story that I was sick and I was so into the lie that I actually made myself throw up. 

U: Oh, so you didn’t eat something disgusting to make yourself throw up?

D: No, no. I willed myself – I lied to my own immune system to convince myself that I was sick. 

U: Wow. And your immune system pulled through!

D: Yeah, look, I’m not proud of it, but that’s definitely a true story about a lie that got out of hand. 

U: So you were like, ‘I’m so sorry, I’m not feeling well,’ and then you threw up in the restaurant or?

D: No, we were in her car – or my car, I don’t remember who was driving. We had pulled over. If I remember correctly, it was really my last ditch effort because she really wasn’t getting the message that I wasn’t feeling good. It just wasn’t clicking with her. I just had to make this drastic move.

U: I mean, that ended the date but did she still think you were together after? Did she call you a few days later for another date?

D: No, that was pretty much it! [laughs]

U: [laughs] That’s an easy out, Dallon! 

D: I think there’s this scene in Wayne’s World where they talk about that – if you throw up in front of a girl and she comes back, she’s yours. 

U: So she wasn’t yours to begin with, I guess is the message there! I guess if she reads this column, then this is your apology.

D: 100%. If I could go back in time, I would man up and do it the right way. 

I Don’t Know How But They Found Me’s debut EP, 1981 Extended Play, is out now.

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If you’re a musician and have some stories to share and some secrets to tell – be it hilarious or heartbreaking, humiliating or honourable – send us an email at twotruthscolumn[at]gmail.com.

We might be telling the whole world about the time you accidentally killed your brother’s pet snake and replaced it without anyone knowing in no time.