If your family is anything like mine, then you can't escape listening to at least a little bit of fucking horrendous Christmas music every year. But if this means as much to you as it does to me, then you'll be willing to put a little bit of effort into making sure that you can minimise the pain by bringing along a little of your own music fitting the seasonal theme that doesn't feature Celine fucking Dion.
We all know the John Lennon, Ramones, Paul Kelly, The Pogues/Kirsty MacColl, options – and they are absolute necessities for the festive season, as far as I'm concerned – but there are many more sick Christmas tunes out there if you're willing to search (or befriend nerds who spend hours researching good Christmas music just to avoid listening to Celine fucking Dion).
There's The Jive Turkeys' Get Down Santa, James Brown's Merry Christmas, Baby, AC/DC's Mistress For Christmas… and then there are these five utterly peculiar songs that will make Christmas far less painless than you might expect.
The Art Mooney Orchestra Feat. Barry Gordon – Zoomah, The Santa Claus From Mars
This is the only place I can find it online – it's worth checking out.
This is such a twisted little tune. I don't know the full story, actually I don't have a fucking clue what's going on, but I know that this poor six-year-old Barry Gordon who sings the lead vocal on here had one hell of a voice. Gordon had a huge hit in 1955 with Nuttin' For Christmas, but that song totally sucks; Zoomah, The Santa Claus From Mars is where it's at. This little kid sounds like fucking Sinatra and sings about this weirdo Santa who has 16 toes and would have scared the shit out of me at Barry's age.
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How to sell it? Maybe try and get one of your oldest relatives on board for this one. Tell them that modern media is ruining kids' minds, rotting their brains and that we need to start raising our children with good old fashioned entertainment just like you experienced when you were young.
Claudine Longet – I Don't Intend To Spend Christmas Without You
How good is this song?!?! Apparently this was the b-side to Claudine's 1967 single Snow, which is a little bit on the lame side and certainly nothing like this absolute belter of a pop tune. She sings about a partner who has left her, which she mustn't have been all that bummed about at first, but now Christmas is coming and she's all sad and lonely and she wants old mate back; very bloody convenient, Claudine. There's nothing like the silly season to force you into rash emotional decisions that you'll most likely regret in the future. I do love how stern she is, though. She's not fucking around.
Side note: Claudine Longet shot her boyfriend dead in 1976, purportedly by accident, which inspired The Rolling Stones to write this song about her. Brutal. I hope I didn't just ruin your Christmas.
How to sell it? Don't bother, keep this one for yourself. When everyone has gone to bed, you can pour yourself a glass from the top shelf and bathe in the sweetness of Claudine Longet's kinda innocent but oh-so-assertive vocal and that exquisite chorus.
Los Campesinos! – A Doe To A Deer
Download it (for free) from the band here.
Fresh from their first Australian tour, Welsh indie-pop exponents Los Campesinos! have dropped this very cool little Christmas ditty that is probably the best new Christmas tune I've heard this year. It has that unmistakable Christmas feel (thank you, chiming bells) but the lyrics of Gareth Campesinos! are typically acerbic and some of the imagery is kind of crushing; stumbling home, drunk on Christmas morning as the neighbourhood kids ride their new bikes around – makes you feel a little gross.
How to sell it? This shouldn't be too hard if you can keep the lyrics about alcohol abuse and , though Gareth's voice isn't everyone's cup of tea. It has bells, though, and that's all that matters.
Bob Dylan – Must Be Santa
Christmas In The Heart [2009] could well be Bob Dylan's least-liked record of all time. I love it. Imagine if Dylan was your drunk uncle and he somehow had the wherewithal to put on a full, whiskey-soaked show where he sang his favourite Christmas songs with a kick arse band and didn't even spit on you once or grab your girlfriend's arse. Well this goes some way to explaining how it feels to listen to this record. Listen to it when you're drunk – not tipsy – and, whatever you do, don't use it as an excuse to debate the merits of Bob Dylan's output in the 21st Century because he's still got more talent than any artist you've seen all year.
How to sell it? It's Bob Dylan, it sells itself. If you have family who don't like Dylan then come and join mine.
Nicky Da B – Xmas In The Room (produced by Oliver Blank)
This is the song that's gonna make your Uncle Steve want to knock your block off, so if Steve has been a bit of a cunt this year then make sure you crank up this little gem and let the good times roll. Sufjan Stevens has made a hip hop mix tape all about Christmas and, well, it's not great, but it's kinda funny and if you're sitting around with a bunch of friends and avoiding your families then you might be interested in playing this at your weird party.
This particular song is pretty fucked up, it basically describes the protagonist – who we can only imagine is Nicky Da B himself – having sexual relations with Santa Claus over this cool kind of spacey, bouncy and really very fun beat. If the issue of homosexuality is an issue in your home, this one might get you kicked out (or knocked out), you've been warned. Hell, even if it's not, be careful – it's very graphic.
How to sell it? Ha, yeah, you're on your own with this one hey… Maybe try Sufjan's Christian leanings? Perhaps you could argue that “Come slay me, Santa” is the modern generation's I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus? Nah, unless your household is very progressive, the mental image of Santa doing the things mentioned in this song is probably enough to have you written out of the will.
Merry Christmas to you and yours. Tweet or email me your festive greetings and I'll read them out at my family lunch.
