Fuck This

Cock rockers The Stiffys have their angle sewn up. Their mission statement: “The Stiffys are a two-piece rock'n'roll band that dress up like sailors and sing about erections. There is no deeper meaning to our songs and if the topic isn't stiffies then we will not sing about it.” Their ambition: “To be Melbourne's number one erection-based rock band...”

The sailor suits are about getting noticed, standing out from the humdrum. “The thing about the music business is that it's an image-based business, you've gotta look snappy at all times,” says Stiffys bass-playing mouthpiece Jason Leigh, who, incidentally, does not have a stiffy during the interview. “You've gotta look your best. We like to dress up a little bit, we like to look sharp. We're very popular with the ladies and we just wanna do whatever it takes to impress the ladies.”

Their shtick has already granted them major support slots, national tours and spots on festival stages and they'll now tour their latest single, Champagne. “It's about something that's really important to us,” says Leigh of the song. “We didn't want to be one of those bands that just sings about anything, we really just wanted to open our hearts and sing about our favourite thing, which is champagne.”

Themed rock a new concept. The Beards are kicking international goals right now with nothing more than songs about facial hair; The Zimmers took the pensioner market by storm with their reinvention of punk tunes; there's a band of spontaneous performing cyclists, The Cycologists, in Melbourne; there's The Burqa Band, an all-female, indie-rock band from Kabul, Afghanistan; there's even Mini KISS, a KISS tribute band made up entirely of midgets.

“The thing about The Stiffys is that we're not just some novelty band, we're pouring our hearts out and just trying to express ourselves with our unique brand of rock'n'roll. I'd definitely be open [to a tour] if Mini KISS could commit to giving 110%.”

Leigh and his buddy Adam Stagg have copped mixed receptions on tour. “Due to the nature of our unique brand of rock'n'roll, I think that some rooms can pose different challenges,” Leigh laughs. “Some of the more rural locations have taken a bit longer to become part of The Stiffys.” And they're not exactly popular in your everyday establishments. “Due to the changing nature of society... We find that sometimes it's hard for The Stiffys 'cause we get turned away from a lot of restaurants and stores due to the nature of our unique brand of rock'n'roll and our drinking habits. We find that hanging out in Red Rooster stores is the best way to relax, have a nice time, have a couple of drinks in the bathrooms, eat rooster rolls, eat big macs, do kickflips, meet girls – things of that nature.”

Leigh is not averse to the concept of adding, ahem, members to the band, it's just a matter of logistics. “We've got about four girls that play horns with us and one that plays percussion with us whenever we can. The thing is with The Stiffys, because we're so focused at all times on having such a nice time, it can be hard to lock down a rehearsal time with all of us.

“There's 24 hours in the day... Sometimes I just need time for me; sometimes Adam and I just need to focus on our music – it can't just be about ladies 24 hours a day. It's like, 'C'mon, guys, let's think about it for one second. We've gotta play rock'n'roll, we can't just kiss girls all day. It's not just some kind of kissing booth, we're not Ian Thorpe.”