"About as sexy as a midweek date night at Grill'd."
The 2015 movie adaptation of the bestselling novel, Fifty Shades Of Grey, was something of a pleasant surprise because, well, it wasn't an absolute stinker. I know E L James' erotic novel has its fans - millions of them, actually - but I just couldn't get into it. What I took away from my one and only reading was dull storytelling, leaden dialogue, uninteresting characters and sexiness that was lukewarm at best.
The Fifty Shades Of Grey movie didn't completely redeem the book but some clever casting, especially Dakota Johnson as timid heroine Anastasia Steele, and some sultry, atmospheric depiction of the kinky relationship between Ana and billionaire bondage fan Christian Grey, played by Jamie Dornan, injected a little life into the proceedings.
However, for the sequel, Fifty Shades Darker, the female talent behind the camera - director Sam Taylor-Johnson and screenwriter Kelly Marcel - has been replaced by two chaps, with journeyman director James Foley calling the shots and Niall Leonard (the husband of Fifty Shades author James) adapting the novel.
It makes a difference. Foley's a capable filmmaker with a couple of terrific movies to his credit (the '80s crime drama At Close Range, for one), and his skill gives a hum of menace or jolt of energy to a handful of sequences here. But the perspective Taylor-Johnson and Marcel brought to Fifty Shades, and to Ana's journey especially, is missed here.
Don't miss a beat with our FREE daily newsletter
Frankly, though, there's only so much Foley, and a lot of other people attached to Fifty Shades Darker, can do with material that only moves the whole saga forward an inch or two when it's not going through the same old motions from the first time around. More nudity than the typical Hollywood movie delivers notwithstanding, it's about as sexy as a midweek date night at Grill'd, to be honest.
At the end of the first movie, Ana calls it quits on her relationship with Christian when she realises she could no longer submit to his S&M-heavy sexual demands. Fifty Shades Darker picks up the story three weeks later, with Ana starting her dream job as assistant to smarmy book editor Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson). Outside the office, she's accosted by Christian, who bluntly declares "I want you back" and claims he's willing to try a relationship that's a little more "vanilla".
Ana tentatively agrees, and tries to school the chilly, domineering Christian in the ways couples usually operate ("That wasn't a fight, that was a conversation," she points out after a mild disagreement). Naturally, the relationship soon heats up once again, and it's not too long before Ana agrees to allow a few of Christian's favourite toys back into the bedroom.
It's also not too long before Christian's sexual history comes back to haunt his current relationship, with emotionally wrecked ex-lover Leila (Bella Heathcote) skulking around the scene, and Elena (Kim Basinger), the woman who introduced a teenaged Christian to bondage in the first place, trying to insinuate her way back into his life.
Mainly, though, Fifty Shades Darker is two people, a little low on personality, navigating the slightly rough waters of a slightly unconventional relationship. While Johnson can occasionally put a sweetly daffy spin on Ana, the hours Dornan has clearly spent at the gym are no compensation for the blankness of his performance.