Private Function Has Released A Record That Smells Like Gwyneth Paltrow’s Vagina

As Naarm/Melbourne's Private Function release their fourth album, the awkwardly-titled ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, the attention-grabbing punk outfit have once again taken things to the next level with the release of their latest record.

In previous years, Private Function have managed to make headlines for the unique vinyl variants they have released for each of their albums.

2020's Whose Line Is It Anyway? was notably pressed as a limited edition which featured bags of white powder inside the record, while 2022's 370HSSV 0773H (which itself was initially banned in South Australia for violating gambling laws) was issued as a liquid disc with the band's urine inside.

However, while many thought the 'PF pee-pee LP' couldn't be topped, the band have once again upped the ante for their latest record.

Alongside variants that are named after cigarette references (including the standard 'Firebombed Tobacconist Black'), a special 'Goopy' edition was also announced, though the band chose not to release details until close to a month after fans ordered it.

On Wednesday, the group explained the specifics of the new pressing for their curious followers. As guitarist Lauren Hester revealed, the year of 2020 was an interesting one, given that – among its myriad ups and downs – it was also the year that actress Gwyneth Paltrow and her Goop company released a candle named 'This Smells Like My Vagina.'

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"This was potentially the greatest thing anyone had ever done, and everyone at Private Function was beyond impressed," Hester explained. "We immediately tried to buy one, but due to the overwhelming demand, it sold out instantly. They now sell for over $700 USD each.

"Not owning one is a source of shame in every member of PF's household, so we decided to take things into our own hands."

As Hexter explains, the group decided to contact a French perfumier and sent them the ingredients that were outlined on Paltrow's candle in an effort to create the world's first scratch-and-sniff vinyl.

"$700 USD dollars to smell Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina is quite frankly classist, and we at Private Function think that every working class person deserves to have access to the smell 24 hours a day.

"So, congratulations to everyone lucky enough to score a Goopy record, you now own a scratch and sniff record that smells like Gwyneth Paltrow's vagina."

Copies of the Goopy record are sadly sold out, though other variants of the record remain available for sale via the band’s website.

Private Function will also be launching an Australian tour next week in support of their new album, with tickets on sale now.