Baywatch

Despite what the stars of the original 1990s TV series and the new film adaptation would have you believe, nobody really likes Baywatch.

No, what people tend to like is the idea of Baywatch - sun-drenched beaches, sparkling water and good-looking, curvaceous people whose jiggly bits are barely covered by red swimsuits.

Quite frankly, you can get that from the opening credits of any given Baywatch episode. Venture any further than that and you'll realise there's nothing worthwhile to explore.

And for the makers of the Baywatch movie, that provided both a challenge and an opportunity.

The challenge: how do you bring something that has nothing to offer beyond a brand-name title and some nostalgic '90s imagery to the big screen? The opportunity: you do it anyway you like!

Sadly, however, the makers of the Baywatch movie pull off the impressive feat of trying too hard while not trying hard enough.

Here's a movie that wants to have it any number of ways - it's an action-adventure buddy movie! It's a raunchy gross-out comedy! It's poking fun at the show while paying tribute to it! - but can't get any of its approaches right.

And I know one shouldn't judge Baywatch by the usual metrics (to quote the internet on the movie: "You want f-king Proust? Go read Proust!"), but if 21 Jump Street and its sequel are the gold standard of this type of thing, this crass, clumsy movie is tin. Actually, more like tinfoil.

Its comedy is 90% boorish and bullying. Its action is lacklustre. Its star power, such as it is, is problematic. Heck, it even makes the sun, sea and sand look dull and drab.

For mine, Baywatch has one good idea, and it's one that it never makes the most of.

It's that Mitch Buchannon (Dwayne Johnson), head lifeguard at Emerald Bay, sees himself and his team of lycra-clad lifesavers as the local enforcers of the law, despite the area's police and politicians regularly reminding him that's not the case.

Still, Mitch can't stop thrusting himself and his squad - which includes cocky new recruit Matt Brody (Zac Efron, so musclebound it's scary) - into a yawn-inducing real estate fraud, drug smuggling and murder conspiracy cooked up by moneybags businesswoman Victoria Leeds (Priyanka Chopra, who has little chance to deliver the sly, sexy villain turn she clearly wants to give).

There are a few subplots, of course - for one thing, irresponsible Matt needs to straighten up and be a team player, especially if he wants to win over fellow trainee Summer (Alexandra Daddario).

And there's a will-they-won't-they-oh-who-cares flirtation going on between impossibly hot lifeguard C.J (Kelly Rohrbach, who's not bad) and dorky recruit Ronnie (Jon Bass).

Mainly, though, Baywatch is an opportunity for Johnson to throw his substantial weight around, both as a charismatic man-of-the-people hero (seriously, the hero-worship for Mitch verges on weird) and a tough-love mentor to the wayward Matt.

While Johnson's act hasn't grown stale - not yet, at least - his trademark swagger isn't tough enough to let him walk away from duds like Baywatch totally unscathed.