I don’t claim to have any professional skills or qualifications in mental health. Far from it, in fact; at times, I think these pieces are more therapeutic for me as a writer than they are for you as the reader.
I can, however, discuss depression, anxiety, loneliness and heartache as someone who has experienced these emotions firsthand, like so many other Australians (an estimated 45 per cent of people will experience a mental health condition in their lifetime). I've been so excited to tell you all, however, that one of my fellow 45-percenters — Mistress OC — has found light at the end of the tunnel and is throwing it all down on the mic. I caught up with her after a hiatus that's lasted for just over the past year.
"To the naked eye, I've been nowhere different," she says of her recent movements. "But the last 12 months have probably been the most challenging for me in terms of spiritual, mental, emotional and somewhat physical aspects of my personal life and my creative path. I guess I was hiding, trying to find parts of myself."
I think, to a certain degree, our existence really stems from just that: discovering a sense of self, identity and purpose, leaving your own individual footprint that says not just, "Antixx was here," but "Antixx was here and left it better than he found it." And, in pursuit of that, Mistress OC explains, a hiatus became a necessity for her mental health.
"I suffer severe anxiety so I guess I find it more helpful hiding away whilst going through the creative process," she says. "When trying to remain open, honest and OK with being vulnerable, the irony is I have to cut myself off from the world prior to sharing these moments in time.
"I guess I just can't work in the chaos of daily noise when I'm trying to hear my heart."
What does that involve? How does one go about getting lost in a sea of emotion crashing on a page?
"Well, my time in the last 12 months has probably been spent reflecting mainly, internally and externally," she tells. "I feel like life in general has been on fast-forward for so long that I've spent the entirety of this project catching my breath whilst reflecting on everything.
"I took a pretty full-on step back from my music life and tried to capture, understand and really absorb everything that is happening in the world around me and within me."
I’ve spoken to a number of dear friends about this, both creative and intellectual types. I find that I can feel justified in trying to understand my emotions, where the conclusion or feeling itself isn’t necessarily the focus, but the act of sitting with the discomfort and consciously questioning why you feel that way.
For Mistress OC — as for others, the choice to consciously step away from the stage was a difficult but crucial move to make, though she never let the light dim on her passion for writing.
"Man, not to take the stage on for such a long period of time is a choice you eventually have to make as an artist, in order to save your sanity, and as a human being," she muses. "But, as a writer, I'm never away from my passion. Writing is my coping mechanism. Without it I couldn't be. Because whether good, bad, released or unheard — I don't ever stop writing.
"It's how I've learnt to live, essentially... as we change as people, we change as artists, so I now have new insights I want to share with the world."
So, what is the new and improved Mistress we’re about to hear on Control + Alt + Delete, the title of which itself suggests is a bit of a reboot?
"It’s kind of my rebirth as an artist and wanting to erase any preconceived notions or expectations," she says. "Forget everything you know about me, because I'm about to be done with it!"
"The method of 'Control + Alt + Delete' on a computer was originally created only for internal users, which is why the design of the keys themselves are far apart from one another," she continues. "It was never meant for the public, but everyone deserves a way out. I guess that's why I thought the title was perfect for everything this project stands for.
"Creatively, I just wrote as me. These songs never started out as a release. As for the ambition behind it, I just hope it helps some listeners in a way... any way at all. If a few people can take something away from this project, I'll be happy."
Sometimes I forget how lucky I am that I can speak on such an elevated platform. See, when you listen to or see a rapper perform, you get the best bits of who they are, who they want to be and who they want you to love and respect. I, however, get to see them as a person; as an equal individual with the same wants, needs, insecurities and feelings as me... I don’t think any of you would know this about Mistress if she hadn’t told us — her music certainly doesn’t project it — but how admirable to speak about such a difficult experience in an open and public forum.
Mistress says that Control + Alt + Delete doesn't "consciously" offer us insight into the musician's mind and emotions, and that, if there's a theme to the work, it's an "unplanned one" at that.
"I'll have to let the listeners decide," she teases.
"I guess if people hear it and relate, then I hope it inspires them to grow up and own their egos, to really believe in the way they speak and treat people, and learn to trust gut instincts.
"More importantly I want [them] to appreciate their life and be grateful for the people around us. We need to have less fear of one another and realise we're all connected; we're not gonna be able to connect unless we're willing to try."
From me, this is your fortnightly dose of positivity. I encourage you to take five minutes of your day, just once, wherever you are, to think about how you feel. Sit with it, breathe with it then, if you like, change it.
After discussing my own personal gripes with Mistress, she said something that resonated with me: "You are not alone — there are always people you can speak to, whether you know them personally or otherwise." From my personal perspective, I had to persuade myself that that’s true. But I got there, and I encourage you to do the same.
It certainly paid off for Mistress, who says she wouldn't have been able to realise the vision that is Control + Alt + Delete without the input and support of other people.
"Oh, I certainly have to thank Ben Lee (yes, that Ben Lee) for wanting to take part in Control + Alt + Delete," she says. "I grew up listening to a lot of him, so it was incredible collaborating with one of my long-time musical idols.
"Every artist that was a part of this project, I have personal admiration for. And I'm not just talking about the vocalists or the emcees or the producers; I'm talking everyone involved, including Alex Platt, an incredible painter who did my front cover. I have so much love for everyone who was a part of this project."
Mistress OC will next be in action at the OXJAM event at The Penny Black on 13 August, being put on by Sensible Antixx and Young Henrys to raise funds for Oxfam.
"There’s live graffiti, headline from L-FRESH The Lion, who I have performed with before, and I know that king will bring a beautiful energy," she says of the gig. "I’m lucky to be working with such selfless human beings."
Mistress has an EP produced by Cam Bluff available on iTunes. Check out the LMGstudios YouTube, triple j Unearthed, SoundCloud and Spotify to get more Mistress in your life.
Control + Alt + Delete will be out in a couple of months with fresh clips on the way. Don’t sleep.
If you are suffering from depression or need assistance, please contact Lifeline on 13 11 14 or beyondblue on 1300 224 636.
