The TV Set: At First I Was Afraid... Now I'm Petrified

I Will Survive's problem is that it's afraid to be gay.

Floating in a sea of appalling, and failing, programming at Network Ten, I Will Survive (7pm Tuesdays and Wednesdays) could have been the show that took Ten back to its glory days of making niche programming work… but, no.

Hanging off the hook that its hunting for a new Priscilla: Queen Of The Desert drag performer for Broadway (nothing is specified - initially the prize was said to be a lead role in the Aus version of the musical but that stage show was retired), I Will Survive should have been a flaming ball of early evening colour and movement. Instead it comes on like a lame cross-dressing Footy Show segment.

The show is based around this country's gayest brand yet last night it featured a task where the, all-male, contestants had to compete over who could use the best pick-up line on a woman in a bar.

The previous night we were introduced to the 12 competitors in neat little packages that showed us their wives, their girlfriends and their kids.

What!?! It's musical theatre and you're telling us not one of these guys has a boyfriend?

Wow! Australia must have the straightest musical theatre community in the world. No wonder Bob Katter had no qualms about seeing Annie!

In the US, networks have learnt how to work the gay niche market. Bravo and E! thrive on it.

And a show like Project Runway has managed to be the gayest show ever while gaining a gigantic crossover audience.

In the UK the theatre-audition/reality show format has delivered hit after hit (Any Dream Will Do, Over The Rainbow), hosted and judged by Britain's most-out-of-the-closet stars (Graham Norton, John Barrowman).

But I Will Survive just sits on the fence [insert picket joke here]. It flirts with campness but lies to itself about camp's roots.

When someone finally let's slip with the 'g' word (about halfway through the second episode), they practically apologise for it.

We also saw one of the contestants slip into his drag costume and actually mumble, “this just doesn't feel natural”.

What's at play here? Are Ten scared of the conservatives who would be offended by any outwardly show of gayness? Or are they scared of a gay backlash for yet again portraying poofs in TV's typically stereotyping manner (take note: for non-stereotyped gays go watch The Sarah Silverman Program NOT Modern Family).

By shying away from the gay, Ten are left with a show that lacks appeal to anybody but the most diehard Hi-5 fan (one of the contestants is an ex-member of the kiddy troupe).

Surely someone on the Network Ten board should have been capable of recognising this show's gay potential and allowed it to be outed.

Just as they misread the audience for Everybody Dance Now (guys, Aussies were never going to respond to Kelly Rowland's waffle about “feeling God in the room” as she watched a dancer), they have misread the potential I Will Survive audience.

There is no denying that the contestants on this show can sing (unlike The Voice). There is no denying it has credible star power (Toni Collette, Magda Szubanski). There is no denying the concept ain't half bad (chuck 12 guys on a bus in drag and retrace the original Priscilla route).

But unfortunately it sells itself short and the audience can see that clearer than a bus bedecked in tulle pummelling toward them on a deserted highway.