The Great SPA Confidential Music Census

With the information from the national census starting to be drip-fed through the media,SPA Confidential thought it was high time that we released the figures from our music census. We've been compiling it in secret using the latest phone-hacking and garbage-bin rumaging techniques, so you know you can trust us. Here's what we found:

48% of hipsters have purchased vinyl in the past six months.

23% of hipsters have purchased cassettes in the past six months.

6% of hipsters have purchased 8-track cartridges and laser discs in the past six months (for use in ironic installations).

49% of music fans are atheist.

51% of music fans are Satanists.

17 arseholes still put their religion as 'Jedi'.

86% of Pendulum fans are 'happy for the band' and 'support their decision' to disband and concentrate on Knife Party.

341 people said they would pay for VIP tickets to a festival if they had the chance to mingle with bands at the bar.

0 people said they would pay for VIP tickets to a festival if they had to mingle with members of the media at the bar.

2% of people said they discover new music via band stickers plastered around the toilets of music venues.

2% of the polled audience were bands who post their stickers in the toilets of music venues.

11% of bands believe that scractching their band name into the bonnet of a label executive's $120,000 Audi is a good way to get their attention.

14% of people think the Brisbane hardcore scene is dead.

Post-phaser-nu-dub-wave has become one of the industry's quickest growing genres, in terms of popularity. It's had a staggering 400% jump in recognition since the last music census. Four people know about it now.

Post-phaser-nu-dub-wave has also become regarded as one of the most redundant genres in the industry, with 17,512 people saying they were happy for it to die out tomorrow.

2 people found last week's SPA Confidential funny.