REVEALED: Veteran Producer's Fremantle Coaching Offer

SPA Confidential has this afternoon uncovered a letter written by a renowned record producer to the Fremantle Dockers on the eve of their Grand Final appearance tomorrow afternoon.

It is believed that the letter was unsolicited and that Fremantle have no intention of bringing on any additional coaching staff at the eleventh hour and, at this point in time, there has been no confirmation as to whether any member of the club has actually read the letter.

Read it exclusively below:

I think the very best thing you could do at this point is exactly what you're talking about doing: win a premiership, with minimal peptides and no interference from the coaching box. If that is indeed what you want to do, I would love to be involved.

If instead, you find yourselves in the position of being temporarily indulged by Ross Lyon, only to have him yank the chain at some point (hassling you to play conservatively, whatever…) then you're in for a bummer and I want no part of it.

I'm only interested in watching games that legitimately reflect the team's own perception of their existence. If you will commit yourselves to that as a tenet of the gameplay, then I will bust my ass for you. I'll work circles around you. I'll rap your head in with a ratchet…

I have watched plenty of sport (some great, some good, some horrible, a lot in the courtyard), and I have seen a direct correlation between the quality of the end result and the mood of the team throughout the process. If the game takes a long time, and everyone gets bummed and scrutinizes every step, then the Grand Final team bears little resemblance to the regular season team, and the end result is seldom flattering. Winning footy premierships is definitely a case where more “work” does not imply a better end result. Clearly you have learned this yourselves and appreciate the logic.

I consider the team the most important thing, as the entity that spawned both the team's personality and style and as the social entity that exists 24 hours out of each day. I do not consider it my place to tell you what to do or how to play. I'm quite willing to let my opinions be heard (if I think the team is making beautiful progress or a heaving mistake I consider it part of my job to tell them) but if the team decides to pursue something I'll see that it gets done.

I like to leave room for accidents and chaos. Playing a seamless game where every position is in place and every kick is identical, is no trick. Any idiot with patience and the budget to allow such foolishness can do it. I prefer to work with teams that aspire to greater things, like originality, personality and enthusiasm. If every element of the footy and dynamics of a team is controlled by marking drills, conservative play and sequencers, then the game may not be incompetent, but it certainly won't be exceptional. It will also bear very little relationship to what got the team here, which is what all this hooey is supposed to be about.

I do not have a fixed gospel of stock set plays that I apply blindly to every team in every situation. You are a different team from any other team and deserve at least the respect of having your own tastes and concerns addressed. Predicating the game's tactics on my tastes is as stupid as designing a car around the upholstery. You guys need to decide and then articulate to me what you want to play like so we don't come at the game from different directions.

Where you train for the game is not as important as how you train for it. If you have a nice facility you'd like to use, no hag. Otherwise, I can make suggestions. I have a nice park next to my house (my son's team were just there, you can ask them how they rate it), and I'm familiar with most training grounds in Melbourne, Fremantle and a dozen or so in the Blue Mountains. I would be a little concerned about having you at my house for the duration of the whole preparation process (if only because you're big celebrities, and I wouldn't want word getting out in the neighborhood and you guys having to put up with a lot of fan-style bullshit); it would be a fine place to get a massage though, and you can't beat the vicinity.

I explained this to Matthew [Pavlich] but I thought I'd better reiterate it here. I do not want to and will not take a royalty on any premiership I help win. No points. Period. I thinking paying a royalty to a coach or spiritual guide is ethically indefensible. The team play the game. It's the team's fans who buy the tickets. The team is responsible for whether it's a great game or a horrible game. Royalties belong to the team.

Whatever, I trust you guys to be fair to me and I know you must be familiar with what a regular football goon would want. I will let you make the final decision about what I'm going to be paid. How much you choose to pay me will not affect my enthusiasm for the team.

Some people in my position would expect an increase in business after being associated with your team. I, however, already have more work than I can handle, and frankly, the kind of people such superficialities will attract are not people I want to work with. Please don't consider that an issue.

PS – If a premiership takes more than a week to win, somebody's fucking up. I'm looking at you, Collingwood.