SDS1

Think of Luis Suarez diving to the turf and rolling around in paroxysms of theatrical agony and it's not hard to imagine how The Beautiful Game and contemporary dance might live together. For player-cum-dancer Ahilan Ratnamohan, SDS1 represents the third in a trilogy of football-themed dance works and, moreover, attempt to blend the movement vocabulary of the game with the aesthetic of theatre.

A fine ambition, but one not realised; or, at least, executed with all the 'thrills' of an attritional nil-nil draw. Technique aplenty, fitness and dedication, exquisite ball control (a solid midweek training drill if ever this scribe saw one), but why on Earth were the spectators there?

To be fair, SDS1 is not even a show. A display? Sure. A warm-up? Absolutely. Indeed, it's like the Monty Python sketch where teams of Greek and German philosophers ponder the grass for 89 minutes before Archimedes gets the bright idea of kicking the ball and the Greeks grab a lucky last-minute 1-0 victory. Except it's not as funny.  

In Ratnamohan's defence, SDS1 also bursts into life in the final stanza, but not before some excruciatingly pointless bouts of strapping and panting. The verve and thunder of football are noticeably absent, as indeed are the grace and sensuality of dance. In short, this is relegation material. (Sack the grant committee and try again next season.)