Live Review: Madonna

While queuing to collect tickets we immediately note that a lot of effort has gone into freak-flag-flying outfits tonight. Shoutout to the "Emma's 40th" birthday crew who sport matching customised Madonna Rebel Heart tour tees printed especially for this once-in-a-lifetime occasion. A lot of horny headwear plus silver doily mask dress-ups (a la the dancers portraying bulls in the Living For Love video) grace the heads of punters in the foyer. Once seated, we clock an uber-fan in the front row (can't remember whether these tickets cost one or two thousand a piece) who has obviously gone to the trouble of sewing/hiring an elaborate red gown for this evening, upstanding and protectively clutching the photography barrier to guard his primo posi. There are whispers of recognition as Carrie Brownstein descends to her impressive stalls seat around 9.30pm. Then cheers and camera phones are whipped out to signal Molly Meldrum's arrival before he locates his seat by the tip of the head of the penis/catwalk. Michael Jackson's Wanna Be Startin' Somethin' does just that by getting everyone on their feet and then the house lights dim around 9.45pm. 

Crystal-clear visuals on multiple giant screens (one of which lowers backward to become a ramp before closing to form part of the stage) depict Game Of Thrones-style imagery before warrior-dancers appear on stage, bow down and bang their oversized swords on the stage to the beat of Iconic. Madonna lowers onto the stage in a cage resembling a Samurai Queen. Those sky-high heels! For Burning Up (song three), Madonna plays (studied) guitar halfway down the shaft (I mean, catwalk) - "I'm not the same/I have no shame/I'm on FI-IRE!" Then scantily clad (underwear plus wimple) dancers twerk before pole dancing on crosses during Holy Water. Madge climbs up one of said crosses like a bear before one of the dancer-nuns appears, suspended horizontally, halfway up the cross. Madonna stands on her dancer in mid-air, digging in killer heels. A segment of Vogue intersects the song then we're sprayed with more Holy Water.

She's definitely enough to make the Devil Pray, but nobody calls pingers "E" anymore.

Madonna disappears down a trapdoor. A dancer, surrounded by Beyonce fans of varying heights, expertly manipulates a long length of white fabric as it blows around. Madonna returns to the stage for Body Shop, for which the stage is transformed into a fantasy garage. Let me ask you that cliched question, "Are you having a good time?" Madonna enquires. We say, "YEAH". She asks if we mean, "Fuck, fuck, FUCK YEAH!" encouraging us to repeat after her. Madonna then suggestively offers, "If you relax, it doesn't hurt as much. Am I right, guys? [Pause] Am I right, ladies? [Pause] I crack myself up sometimes." (Her comic timing needs work). 

Deeper And Deeper sees Madonna and co boot scootin'. A revolving staircase pops up at the head of the penis-shaped catwalk (right near Molly) and Madonna sings a segment of Love Don't Live Here Anymore. Like A Virgin as sung by a 57-year-old was always gonna be a stretch, but this bass-heavy, minimalist version is awesome (aside from the freaky sideways shuffling step Madonna executes throughout). When Madge disappears for another costume change, dancers perform sexy duets on beds during S.E.X. Madonna bravely performs Living For Love, the song she fell over while performing at last year's Brit Awards, complete with cape.

There's a weird clown bit, which gives us an idea of how Madonna's spontaneous show two nights ago at Forum Theatre may have played out. She rides around on a tiny bike, honking a hand-held horn, tells a coupla jokes and we immediately see why she apologised earlier this evening for this aforementioned Tears Of A Clown show. She then produces a hip flask, hands it to Molly so that he can have a swig and thanks him for being "the first man in Australia to fall in love with her". Her Madgesty then acknowledges the venue's curfew (should've sung another song instead of clowning around) before dedicating Take A Bow to Molly (which we love). Overcome with emotion, Molly screams into the mic "I fucking love you!" Madonna addresses him sweetly, "You take care of yourself, ya hear me?" 

She straps on a guitar again and we kinda wish she'd stick to the singing and dancing. For the support we've given her over "the motherfucking decades", Madonna says she's "fucking grateful" (she sure love dropping F-bombs and encouraging us to do same!) For the most spectacular dance sequence of the night, bendy poles are attached to the stage and the dancers plunge out in all directions, winding up just out of reach of fans' hands. They even manage to reach down and grab hats from fellow dancers' heads at stage level! Madonna performs Send In The Clowns at 11.28pm then calls her team "the insane clown posse". "All good things must come to an end," she laments. 

During Material Girl, Madge sends her dancers flying down the stage slope one by one before sliding down it herself to emerge under a veil. She then walks, veiled, down the penis-shaft catwalk wielding a bouquet, which Madonna says she hopes is caught by someone "who isn't a convicted felon". Jake Dennis catches the bouquet. Madonna asks Dennis his astrological sign — "fucking Leo", she then shares. Turns out Dennis is an aspiring singer, but Madonna says if they were to marry she would allow him to be a rapper only, because there wouldn't be room in the marriage for two singers. Madge dedicates La Vie En Rose, a love song she sings in French, to Dennis while playing/practising guitar. Who else but Madonna would say "scared fuckless"? As she looks down her catwalk, Madonna observes, "My red penis — heart, HEART!" She admits it looks like a "dick" from that angle then goes on about "hard on fleek" before confessing, "I have no idea what I'm talking about" — what was in that hip flask? 

Hold up, is that Courtney Act up on stage as Madonna's Unapologetic Bitch!? Yep! And we understand our internationally acclaimed drag star's name for the first time when Act explains it's like "caught in the act" spoken quickly. Madonna tells some jokes that substitute the word "peanuts" for "penis" and then "Farewell Bitches" appears on the giant screen. But first we go on Holiday, which Madonna performs with an Australian flag draped around her shoulders. Her dancers run straight down the raised, 45-degree stage slope wearing harnesses you'd see on abseilers. The concepts dreamed up for this Rebel Heart show are next level, which definitely goes some way toward explaining those exxy ticket prices. Madonna flies up in the air then reverses back, bidding us goodnight (without swearing) and says she hopes to see us again tomorrow night.