The Most Disturbing Halloween Products On The Internet

Although it's not always been a widely celebrated holiday in Australia, Halloween as a concept has been increasingly gaining traction here in recent years. It's most likely due to the ongoing Americanisation of our culture, but I'm not complaining, because how could you not love the idea of any day built around people dressing up in costumes to just say hi to their neighbours and get a bunch of candy out of it?

So, in the spirit of celebrating all things soul-crushingly terrifying, here's some of the strangest Halloween stuff I found trawling the internet at like 2am, because real horror knows no bounds like deeply unsettling content found in the bowels of cyberspace in the middle of the night.

Strap in, then. It's about to get horrifying up in this bitch.

THE $1300 GOTHIC ART DOLL

Photo from www.etsy.com

Etsy is a freakshow at the best of times, but this unholy creation takes things to a brand new level of terror. I'm not entirely sure why someone would want to buy this – it's way too depressing to look at to be considered a worthwhile toy for a child, and you'd only buy it as an adult if you were actively looking for new and particularly sad ways to feel bad about yourself. But hey, if it happens that you're into hand-made dolls modelled on what would happen if Alice boned the Mad Hatter, this dead-eyed happiness vacuum can be yours for the perfectly reasonable price of $1,286.86! Can you believe this thing hasn't sold yet?

THIS KERMIT THE FROG COSTUME

Photo from www.spirithalloween.com

Sweet shitting Christ, this is absolutely horrendous. I know Halloween is supposed to be scary, but isn't it usually in, like, a fun way? Not a “run screaming down the street because a human-sized Muppet is just casually up and walking around the neighbourhood singing about rainbows” way? Either way, if the costume makers' goal here was to make us digest our own stomachs in gut-wrenching fear upon laying eyes on this monstrosity, then mission accomplished, assholes.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLE

Photo from www.80stees.com

Look, it could just be the way this model in particular is smiling (i.e. leeringly), but I don't think so – in general, with the hoodie, the mask, and the implication of being at least a little okay with law-breaking activity given you're dressing up like a vigilante, this costume doesn't just scream “cowabunga!” and “tubular!” – it also screams “sex criminal”. If you had three friends and you bought all four of these Turtles costumes and wore them in public, you would be rounded up as a gang and imprisoned just for looking shady as hell. Also, no matter how much it may increase the credibility of the costume, renting a “Turtle van” for the night would probably not do the wearer(s) any favours unless they love being justifiably pepper sprayed by every woman they speak to.

DIY BLURRED LINES COSTUMES

Photo from www.halloween-ideas.wonderhowto.com

Firstly, let me be really clear: this is not at all about slut-shaming or decrying sexy/revealing costumes. If you're a human being and you want to dress like sexy Oscar the Grouch for Halloween because you think filth-dwelling trash monsters are super hot, then that is absolutely your prerogative and no one has the right to make you feel otherwise. Own that shit. But, that aside, just really take a moment to look at the photo above and appreciate how totally goddamn miserable every single one of those women looks. Still, the creator of this how-to guide for creating a costume that proudly tells the rest of us, “Hello, world! I hate myself!” clearly has no qualms at all about trying to tap into the portion of the populace that isn't completely repulsed by Robin Thicke and his shlocky ode to misogyny. Which is actually kind of dark, when you think about it. Seems like something bad people would do. I bet taking candy from babies is part of their daily routine. Which, I guess, is only marginally better than taking dignity from babies. Hey, that reminds me…

THIS AND PRETTY MUCH EVERY OTHER COSTUME FOR BABIES/TODDLERS

Photo from www.toysrus.com

I feel kind of bad for babies. Just like treasured family pets, they get routinely humiliated by their masters for hollow entertainment purposes, only, unlike treasured family pets, they'll eventually grow up to understand what was done to them when they were infants. This is not the same as getting a costume for your small child of, say, ages four and up, when they're at least aware enough of their surroundings and developing personalities to say, “I want to be Batman”, or “Can I be a My Little Pony?” or “Heisenberg!” or whatever. But babies have, like, zero say in the matter, which is pretty shitty for babies, really. Still, most people would look at that little cherub in the fluffy pink seahorse costume and probably think, “Aww, that's freaking adorable!” but all I see is a tiny little cry for help and a pair of adults whose most prominent talent is making awful decisions when it comes to parenting. And that, my friends, is the scariest prospect of all.

Happy (almost) Halloween!