What's Not To Like About Watching C-Grade Celebrities Being Tortured?

It’s no surprise to find that Network Ten’s local take on I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out Of Here has an all-white cast (just as is Nine’s latest series of The Block).

What is a surprise is that some of the cast are actual celebrities (well... moreso than previous Australian celebrity competitions).

They may not be a-grade celebs but even a casual TV viewer – y’know, one who doesn’t read the Mail Online or supermarket check-out rags - will know most of the folk dumped in the African jungle for this show.

Marcia! Marcia! Marcia!

FFS there’s a Daddo, Marcia Brady, sports people that even I recognise (okay, so I had to ask around about Barry Hall but I’m told he’s VERY famous in ball sports circles), that gay comedian who isn’t Josh Thomas or Tom Ballard, the nude travel blog dude and Chrissie Swan back where she belongs (reality TV).

Okay, so the Hi-5’er and the Miss Australia were a struggle to recognise but I’m sure those with kids and/or tiara fetishes knew who they were.

For me, I’m happy to sit back and watch presenters Julia Morris and the Bondi Vet torture the crap out of these folk over the coming weeks.

I may not be alone – the show rated its arse off last night (though pundits are expecting a spectacular drop off from that 1.3 million tonight). Proof maybe that Network Ten were smart to put it to air a full week ahead of ratings season (although the same trick backfired for Nine’s early return of The Block last week – that show was hammered by out-of-ratings sporting events).

Hell, when a show’s lowlight is an ad break that featured the goddawful new Woolworth’s TVC featuring Samantha “Kylie in the INXS mini-series” Jade killing Rockin’ Robin (“cheap cheap cheap” geddit), it must be doing something right.

What Ten got right was to completely clone the successful UK format of this celebrity torture competition. The set is identical, the tasks are just as high in squirm-factor and we have an entitled US has-been who everyone will inevitably turn-on (unless they do a ‘George Takei’ – go Google that guy’s I’m A Celeb style).

Who is the guy with Julia Morris?

Most importantly, Morris perfectly aped the cheesy innuendo of UK hosts Ant & Dec (Mr Bondi Vet seemed less comfortable doing so but really, Morris just needs a second banana and he excels at going unnoticed) – and that’s what will carry this show through the lulls (there’s gonna be lots of ‘woe me’ moments around the camp fire that make those of us in it for snakebites and sprained ankles a little restless).

And the humiliation began early. Merv Hughes worried about jumping into piranha-infested waters... ummm, wrong continent, Merv. Are you more mo than brain? Quickly followed by a face-plant down a steep hill by Swan – if you weren’t on your feet cheering at this point, this IS NOT the show for you.

Less than half an hour into the show’s debut last night #ImACelebrityAU was the top trending hashtag on Twitter in Australia – it even began trending internationally. And, as Swan face-planted into the African mud she was trending more than any other cast members.

By 7pm Hall was already turning on Marcia Brady (real name Maureen McCormack, but really... who cares) and Swan was whining, “They haven’t cut any slack for a fat middle-aged mum of three.”

Oh, and have we mentioned how good the meltdowns are? (Note – the UK version of this show even broke Martina Navratilova.) Marcia Brady showed the first signs of cracking... but, urgh, there was no joy in watching the American Sweetheart getting upset. However, I’m guessing there will be by the time we are all sick of here at week’s end. (Marcia Brady was trending ahead of Swan at this point.)

And then came the first ‘trial’ – this is the torture element of the show we all (not so) secretly hold out for. It involved Joel Creasey directing a blind-folded Hall as he tried to drop cockroaches, maggots and elephant shit on Swan. The offal landing on Swan’s face was the night’s second big ‘jump to your feet cheering’ moment.  

One big happy family

Thankfully, this was quickly followed by the show’s first nasty turn and it came from Hughes. In the guise of explaining who all these local c-graders were to outsider Marcia Brady, Hughes called Creasey an “unfunny comedian” and even more bitchily referred to Swan as having “the ideal face for radio”. If the UK version is anything to go by, this is just the beginning of #CelebrityBurns.

This was quickly followed by Daddo (of the Andrew variety, in case you are one of those freaks who cares which Daddo is which) obsessing over a “pooh-stick” (whatever that is) and Hall confessing he thought a springbok was a cow (aww bless). At this point too, social media became obsessed with Marcia Brady being handsy – uh oh, we Aussies are all about our personal space.

But as the hosts kept reminding us that we, the viewers, had to vote the next celeb to face a trial/torture (Circle Of Strife, a ‘game’ involving shoving your hand in holes full of bitey, sting-ey critters), #CelebJoel began trending on Twitter and pretty much his fate was sealed. Ah yes, Australia finally united as one great homophobic voting bloc. Well, that makes Hughes and Hall pretty much safe from public-voted torture for the show’s entirety.