First Deaths As Radiohead Fans Attack Coldplay Ones

25 May 2012 | 3:28 pm | SPA Confidential

The Prime Minister has called for calm as fatalties emerge in the Radiohead v Coldplay conflict.

Diehard Radiohead fans have clashed with Coldplay fan-club members around Australia as the issuing of Coldplay tickets this morning brought up deep-seated hatred between the two factions.

British rock band Radiohead have already sold out an Australian tour for later in this year, while British rock band Coldplay, who announced their tour later, sent tickets on sale today.

A particularly bad clash between fans in the streets of Melbourne today has already seen the death of two Coldplay fans, with many more injured. It is believed that they were suffocated by a gatefold vinyl copy of In Rainbows while onlooking Radiohead fans, wearing 'We Suck Young Blood' T-shirts from the band's Hail To The Thief tour, chanted, "This is what you get, when you mess with us."

The Prime Minister has pleaded for calm on the matter, telling media in an emergency press conference in Yackandandah today that every effort was being made to quell the violence.

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"We have confiscated all Coldplay and Radiohead CDs from record stores around the country to avoid clashes," the PM said, "and the riot squad have been playing Oasis albums to the angry mobs in an attempt to calm them the fuck down, but to little avail. A better option at the moment seems to be Foo Fighters' latest album, which everyone seems to agree is a solid collection of pop-rock numbers."

A spokesperson from Radiohead Utd, regarded as the most militant of fan groups and part of an international network of groups called the 'Karma Police', told SPA Confidential that the hatred between the two parties goes back generations.

"This has been going on since the iTunes version six, at least," they said. "You could even argue it was around with those who lived through Napster... I just fucking hate Coldplay and their family-friendly, upbeat songs about relationships. Why don't they realise that music is about sorrow and depression and being hard done by? Coldplay fans obviousy don't understand what it's like to feel. Like, really feel."

The Vice President of the Coldplay Fan Club's Australian Chapter, known as ' Coldnuts', said that they were sick of 'pompous' Radiohead fans.

"They fucking think that Radiohead is some underground band. They're playing arenas for Chris Martin's sake. We're planning an underground strike on key Radiohead dugouts. When they leave their bikes outside the pop-up bar we're going to steal their fucking wheels."

The Coldnuts VP said that Radiohead fans were hard to spot without a trained eye.

"They come in all forms. British backpackers, British expats, fans of Britpop, Oasis fans, Blur fans, and even the odd fucking goth."

The Radiohead Utd spokesperson said that they only identified Coldplay fans as "bell-ends" and "plonkers". They were also disgusted at the suggestion that Radiohead were going to invite Rihanna to sing on their next album.

Authorities believe that the best chance for calm is at the upcoming Ed Sheeran concert. "We hope that the red mist will subside when in contact with Ed's red hair. His pleasant acoustic numbers are surely to everyone's liking."

Speaking to SPA Confidential, Chris Martin pleaded for fans "to put on a Yellow T-shirt and return to Para-, Para-, Paradise."

We concluded he was high.