Why Alan Carr Recommends Putting A Selfie Stick Up JT's Trouser Leg

In Italy "yesterd'y", Alan Carr is back in London in time for our chat and gushes of the country shaped like a boot, "Beautiful food, beautiful wine, beautiful people - what's not to love?" When told we're pretty sure the beverages Carr downed while abroad would've tasted a lot nicer than the refreshments he offers his guests on his chat show, Alan Carr: Chatty Man, Carr admits, "Oh, yes, you bet". So whose job is it to keep that infamous "globe" stocked? "Well what we say to people is, we say, 'Is anyone going on a holid'y? Like, a European holid'y? You've got to bring something [back] that's no more than five euros.' And someone came back from Greece once and I swear that it was like mauve with multi-coloured iron filings in. It was just so, haha, disgusting!" Now we're wondering how often the gold foil leather sofa needs professional cleaning. "What when someone's pissed themselves? Or vomited?" Carr jumps in before laughing hysterically. "It's been close, it's been close, hahahahaha."

"When you see the guests arrive - normally I look out the window and they've got, like, a tracksuit on and they're smokin' a fag and there's stains down their trousers."

Carr regularly explodes into fits of laughter. It would be profitable to place a bet on his ability to complete a single, laughter-free sentence. A 16th series of Alan Carr: Chatty Man aired this year and Carr shares, "As you go through the series you get less and less starstruck 'cause you sorta realise that everyone's sort of the same, really". "When you see the guests arrive - normally I look out the window and they've got, like, a tracksuit on and they're smokin' a fag and there's stains down their trousers," Carr explains, before admitting he was "a little bit starstruck" when Lady Gaga came on the show, because "she's never out of character as it were". "I mean, she turned up in this maroon dress, like, a green sperm hat on and then she went in and she came out all in gold, and then she had an iPad dress on. So I would say I get a bit nervous when I see her 'cause she always looks the part, you know? She looks like a star - a superstar... I mean, I was [starstruck] when Justin Timberlake came on. I was a little bit, 'Ooh, JT!'" When told this scribe prefers to call said triple threat Justin Trousersnake, Carr doesn't miss a beat. "Ooh, have you slept with him?" We wish! Doesn't everybody? "Well," Carr chuckles. "No. I mean, I need proof, though. I need photographic evidence [laughs]." Photo or it didn't happen? "Yeah, stick a selfie stick up his trouser leg or something," Carr cracks up.

He turned 40 in June and Carr reckons he realised it was business as usual "one week in", adding, "I haven't died, nothing's prolapsed, I'm still here!" That's so fantastic to hear! "I know!" he laughs. "And I thought I'd let you know." We give thanks then Carr continues: "It's always trouble when you're 40, because, you know, you're always told you have to choose between your face and your figure; so I just have to decide which one I'm gonna go for." We cannot help but laugh, Carr joins in and then jests, "'Cause that's a tough decision for me, hahaha." On whether he feels as if he should shop at more age-appropriate clothing shops now, Carr counters, "No, I wanna be one of those old people that wears red trousers and, like, green - nothing goes, you know wha' I mean? You're just sorta like a packet of Starburst."

He's already penned one autobiography, Look Who It Is!: My Story, and Carr reveals, "I'm writing a new one at the minute that's coming out this Christmas". "Well the last one finished just as I was beginning The Friday Night Project, which started me TV career so, um, yeah! I'm writing one on that [TV career]. It's interesting, the difference I've found about it: the first one was quite a joyous experience, 'cause it was going down memory lane, you know, it was quite nice. But the troubles with TV and showbiz and stuff, you realise it is quite a nasty business as it were. So I've sort of been, like, wading into the internet just to see, 'Ooh, remember that?' And then you're like, 'Oh, no!' 'Cause it can be a bit of a toilet, can't it, you know?  And you put in 'Chatty Man' and press search and you're like, 'Oh, god, please be kind!' So it's a bit like wadin' into a sewer."

Taking time out to reflect on one's achievements is something Carr found reassuring. "You sit here and you go, 'Oh, Alan, 'ave you achieved anything?' You know? 'Cause as you know I'm 40. I had a proper like, 'Oh, Alan, is this the right thing?' And then writing a biography and just sitting down and facing yourself, you go, 'Oh, Alan, you know, you have had a lovely life!' And, you know, if you've got time to think about what you've done it is good. And the first book Look Who It Is! - it was really nice for me, 'cause you go through the old photo albums, and chat to your mum and dad, so it was really nice." On whether the internet helps with research, therefore reducing the amount of chats needed, Carr offers, "I know you're a journalist, but, you know, sometimes there's been, 'I never said THAT!' And the thing is, I am such a bitch that people can put whatever and go, 'Ooh, Alan's on the turn, Alan's 'ad a few wines'. I'm like, 'No, I didn't say that, I think - I didn't say it!' hahahahahahaha."    

"I wanna be one of those old people that wears red trousers and, like, green - nothing goes, you know wha' I mean? You're just sorta like a packet of Starburst."

After we discuss how un-PC some classic British sitcoms such as Are You Being Served?, which is being rebooted in the UK, are, Carr ponders, "It's weird political correctness, isn't it? Because John Cleese on Twitter's been having a go at someone saying about, 'It's the PC brigade have spoilt comedy'. Then someone said, like, 'People who moan about PC, they say it's privilege and it's a real grey area,' you know, yeah! I mean, I'm not really that PC, to be honest; I sort of sail close to the wind, near the knuckle. But personally I'm not a big fan of those comedians that will joke about rape. And I think [with] some of the male comedians there is a sense of, 'Oooh, I'm being so edgy!' And that's not really me. I'm proper old school as in, you know, when you've had a hard week at work and you want to see a comedian, just go there, leave your troubles at the door, let's have a laugh, let's have a giggle, these are the things that you might find funny, these are the things you might laugh at too. Um, I've never been one of those, 'Ooh, let's see if I can get people to walk out!' And I don't want that, I want laughs. So I don't really sail too near the wind and everyone is offended now, and everyone wants to be offended, which is the interesting thing. But if a joke's funny I'm gonna go for it, but I'm not setting out to have people crying or walking out." 

Given that audiences these days want to be part of the experience when they go to shows, we wonder whether Carr has noticed an increased number of hecklers over time. "I always get this question, 'Oh, what's your weirdest heckle? What's your funniest heckle?' You don't get funny heckles," Carr points out. "If anything you just get, [puts on bogan voice] 'Ugh, you're shit!' So, I mean, there is, like, this myth that Oscar Wilde's in the audience... sadly, it's more odd bods." And quite often it can be pretty hard to decipher what punters call out. "Especially in the arenas and stuff, you can't really hear, you just have to go on. And obviously if you start engaging with someone in row A, someone in block 100, row Z isn't really gonna give a shit so, you know, you sound like you've got your head in a urinal at the best of times... I did this warm-up gig and it didn't go that well, and the fire alarm went off halfway through. And so the fire brigade had to call, and I was trying to calm 'em down; everyone was panicked. And this woman was absolutely paralytic; she'd been stopped drinks at the bar and then was like pointing at her crotch shouting at the fire brigade, 'Put this out!' And I said, 'Look madam,' I said, 'We're trying to put it out'. There wasn't a fire as it happened, but I mean it was all pretty scary and I thought I'd stay on stage, calm everyone down; I didn't wanna just leg it. And then on Twitter they go, 'Oh, Alan Carr can't handle the banter!' And I'm like, 'Banter? Pointing at your crutch going, "Put this out"? That's not banter'.

"The trouble is, people think they're helping you, that's the trouble - when they're shouting now, you know. And you're like, 'I spent six months writing this set, believe me this is the best punch line for this joke. I know you've just turned up, I know you've had two bottles of wine, but trust me this punch line is the best. I know, 'cause I've been working on it six months'," he laughs, before suddenly realising, "I haven't really sold myself very well there, well have I? It took me six months to write a joke! Hahaha."