Saturday
En route to the picturesque Werribee Park festival site, we spy a young girl - maybe seven or eight years old - sporting a T-shirt that reads “Good Vibes Only”, which makes a fitting Lost Lands welcome. While admiring Werribee Mansion, we hear the distant strains of Didirri, sounding like an angel as always. From this distance, the song could be Like A Rolling Stone but Didirri sounds better than Dylan himself (even in his heyday). What a talent! The fact that we're later told Didirri wandered through the crowd during his set, offering free hugs, makes us rate him even more highly.
Gotta love the fact that this family/kiddie-friendly festival's Portaloo area is quaintly named Stinkyland! Some Lost Lands punters are not necessarily toilet trained yet, though, so add this fact to normal festival Portaloo issues and you get the picture.
A gorgeous, leafy configuration borders the top of the main stage’s proscenium arch. When Kate Miller-Heidke takes the stage, wearing trademark theatrical headdress, we soak up her operatic vocal runs. Miller-Heidke tells us a mate once said her voice called to mind "a yodelling ambulance” in one song, which brings the hilarity. She then tells us a commenter on social media labelled her, “Enya on crystal meth,” and we hope this one goes over the kiddies’ heads.
There’s a Dance & Karaoke stage where an ‘instructor’ teaches peeps of all ages a dance that’s not The Chicken Dance accompanied by The Chicken Dance music.
We head to the Double J Stage, where You Am I's Tim Rogers and Davey Lane are talking to the kids, promising those being bullied that they’ll get through it and win in the end. Rogers mentions they’re in discussions to turn last year’s You Am I Plays Spinal Tap show into something - watch this space. When their outfits during said show are mentioned, Lane remarks, “Every day is a dress-up day when you’re in a band” (and indeed the Levi's denim mechanic overalls he sports today are the business). A crowd member asks whether You Am I plan to release any new material and Rogers enlightens the band plan to release singles, 45s, down the track.
The game installations made by Emiliano Matesanz, out of recycled materials, in Lila's World keep children entertained for hours, much to the annoyance of their parents, who wish they could actually watch some live music at some stage.
There’s a lot of expensive bedazzled-face and feathered-hair options available in the market stalls and we pity parents who can't afford to dish out $20 a pop for each kid. We do wish there was a compulsory class teaching children attending The Lost Lands how to watch where they're walking as well.
After praising The Lost Lands for achieving gender equality within its line-up, All Our Exes Live In Texas invite a 12-year-old girl called Loretta - who we’re told approached the band earlier to let them know she was a fan - to the stage to help out on a song (The Devil's Part) and she sure can sing! Loretta looks chuffed as the girls sing her praises and what a difference they've made to her festival experience! All Our Exes Live In Texas - such pretty voices and glorious harmonies floating by on the breeze.
Back at the Double J bit, Tim Finn tells us about a time back in 1975 when Split Enz were booed off stage and pelted with beer cans while trying to warm up AC/DC's stage. Finn also tells us he remembers Bon Scott swinging onto the stage on a rope, dressed as Tarzan, during this show. And would you believe Magda Szubanski - who was a sharpie at the time - was also in attendance on the night, later letting Split Enz know she thought they were great, but couldn’t admit it to her gang at the time.
The Frankentoys Lab - where soft toys are pulled apart and sewn together with ripped-off pieces of other toys - is incredibly popular. And between certain hours a Face Paint By Children area operates, which goes some way towards explaining the more 'creative' face-paint looks we clock on adults later on.
Lane sings lead vocals on You Am I's opener, which channels a riff from Gary Numan's Cars. Sticking with a theme, Rogers salutes any kids in the crowd who are being bullied, gesturing towards Werribee Mansion and adding, "You’re gonna live in that palace being served by bullies," in ten, 20 years' time. Drummer Rusty Hopkinson's style may look sloppy, but his pummels sure are powerful! Constance George is raucous and You Am I absolutely smash this 5.40pm set. You Am I hits - including the insistent Get Up and rambunctious Good Mornin' - keep rolling in and young'uns look at their parents, who sing along with every lyric, as if they're from another planet. Rogers introduces Andy Kent, warning the youngsters it's the bass player the mums will be talking about on the way home in the car.
He then points out it’s a pleasure spitting and spilling stuff on the stage Tim Finn’s about to grace before You Am I close with the superb Berlin Chair, during which Rogers jumps into the pit to let kids strum his guitar. Yep, You Am I will inspire a lot of little grommets in attendance to start dirty, dangerous rock'n'roll bands.
There’s a PSA for a lost child, a three-year-old redhead named Fraser. We hear a few of these across the weekend.
Over on Little Big Stage, soul/hip hop fusion ensemble Billy Davis & The Good Lords perform before an audience of all ages and it’s adorable watching youngsters attempting to imitate the dance moves busted by their older pals/relatives. Psychedelic keys, funky bass and a voice that simply oozes soul, this outfit is definitely worth investigating.
But we must return to Lost Stage for Tim Finn. And you know what? It's disappointing. Sure, one can't help but smile as each Split Enz/Tim Finn or Crowded House classic (eg, It's Only Natural) is recognised, and singalongs are enthusiastic, but Finn's voice falters and he often fails to hit the high notes. Finn enlightens us that My Mistake came out in 1977 and we wonder whether Shark Attack will give some of the children nightmares. The keys player shines during Dirty Creature, but we would prefer to remember Finn from previous live shows we've caught so a decision is made to go rug up and collect our sleeping bags for Sleeping Bag Cinema.
After a quick pitstop to purchase popcorn, we find a posi under the Big Top and settle in to watch The Greatest Showman. It's a great atmosphere as festivalgoers young and old cheer and clap along throughout. Post-film, as we file out of the Big Top, an older gentleman is heard offering up his film review: "too much singing".
Sunday
We’re woken by actual roosters crowing. Children learn pretty quickly that pre-morning coffee mummy ain’t got nothin' on pre-morning coffee mummy at a festival as irritable tones abound.
While carrying food or beverages around the festival site, you do have to watch that a stray soccer ball doesn't knock your sustenance flying. And as for those tennis balls on strings - whose bright idea was it to sell those at a child-friendly festival?
At the juice stand, make your own juice kits (fruit, hand juicers, buckets and jars) are available to keep the kiddos busy for a while and these are reduced from $10 to $5 on day two for those that blew their budget on the jewel-encrusted face option yesterday.
Out of the festival site beside the day parking, State Rose Garden is worth flagging to bring a picnic lunch and visit Werribee another day. Heaps of people in traditional folk costume are posing for photos as we wander through, which makes us momentarily wonder whether we’re still asleep (especially when we hear neighing horses from the neighbouring polo field).
One of Lit Queens - mini-rappers, all just eight years old, with mad skills and synchronised dance moves - tells us of missing member Abuk: "The other person isn’t here, because they’re really sick.” Lyrics include, “I like spring rolls,” and, “All those annoying boys, get out of my face” - they write about what they know (except for lines such as, “Look unto us so you can admire,” which a grown-up may have ‘suggested’). After finishing their set by showing off their dancing and tricks, a member of Lit Queens reads out their Insta handle: "lit queens underscore - wait, lit underscore queens underscore official”. Done. Following.
Kiki & Pascal wow La Petite Grande's audience with their carni antics, we really don’t know how Kiki avoids being jabbed by spears poked through the cardboard box and have never seen a “bridal shower” quite like this one.
A troupe of sheeted-up ghosts wander through the crowd during San Lazaro's set and after consulting the festival program we soon discover this is Bedsheet Ghost Party, an interactive, performer-led activity. A band such as San Lazaro, committed to showcasing the talents of all nine musicians on stage, deserve our praise (and financial support - buy a CD, imagine dividing that fee nine ways!?). They get hips moving at this early hour, but a note for the kids: if there are strangers around busting better dance moves than your parentals, ignore the daggy demonstrations of your loved ones and develop your own style.
Lanks (aka Will Cuming) tells us this is his last show for the year. A lot of punters wander towards the stage as Lanks presents a new song he's never played before, which bodes well and brings a smile to his dial. Cuming is accompanied by a funky-as-hell drummer who is later introduced as Juzzy. Hearing Cuming's crystalline pipes, we're reminded of Gotye. Belting his stand-up drum kit, Cuming adds an extra percussive layer. Lanks closes with the bleepy, skittish Holla and definitely gains some fans at the beginning of their music-loving/buying careers today.
Storming the stage and performing dance moves none of us can copy, Baker Boy (Danzal Baker to his people) conducts a bit of a right vs left competition to warm up our vocal cords: “When I say Baker, you say Boy/Baker/Boy/Baker/Boy"; "When I say Lost, you say Lands/Lost/Lands/Lost/Lands.” He's such a natural! Introducing Mr La Di La Di, with beats that call to mind Kendrick Lamar's King Kunta, Baker shares, “I stay rich with love, family, friends...” (rather than cash). A new track Baker introduces as Cruise Control is instantly memorable, melodic and tropical - listen out for it. Accompanied by live drums, henchman and DJ, Baker also welcomes two extra hip-hop dancers to the stage and the dance breaks he leads are explosive. He cheekily concludes one such dance break by beginning to floss (an annoying dance craze we see many youngsters attempting to perfect throughout the festival) and Baker Boy delivers the set of The Lost Lands, no doubt.
Who could resist 24-hour marinaded, ten-hour slow cooked lamb? Not us, as it turns out. As we wander past High Voltage Rock School, we recognise a Pearl Jam cover and hope the young man performing Better Man doesn’t know the meaning behind those lyrics. Then it's off to Bec Reid Dance Workshop to learn the festival dance, which we're told will be performed en masse later this afternoon.
TAC road safety mascot Zero Hero does the rounds, posing for selfies with kids to raise 'drink, drive, bloody idiot' awareness early on. But then Ben Gumbleton of Boo Seeka raises a full bottle of red wine by way of cheers before the duo play Oh My (he's obviously not driving). Gumbleton boasts a charismatic onstage presence and has some sick moves, his body pulling shapes as if involuntary and directly responding to the music. His bandmate Sam Croft's got the moves also. The pair met, formed a band, wrote a song and put it out all in the space of a week, Gumbleton reveals - what a backstory! During Boo Seeka's set, a mum is overheard pleading with her daughter, “Darling, can you please let me enjoy this and then [insert bribe here]?" Little kids sing along; they know all the lyrics. Gumbleton encourages as many people as possible to mount their mates' shoulders for their closer. Boo Seeka certainly impress this arvo.
Reid hits Lost Stage and it's dance o'clock. At this kind of festival, when 50 people are invited up on stage, you'd think the adults would allow as many children as possible to have their maiden festival moment, right? Au contraire. Get off the stage, adults! It's not about you/Snapchat!
After asking for a show of divorcee hands, Clare Bowditch kicks off with Divorcee By 23. Her easy banter is often hilarious and Bowditch tells us that twice in her life people have approached, mistaking her for Adele (once when she was wearing bathers after swimming at Aqua Profunda swimming pool in Fitzroy). She performs her most-played song on Spotify: a cover of Crowded House's Fall At Your Feet, which is delivered with extra violin thanks to John Bedggood this afternoon. Bowditch then reveals her next, six-and-a-half-years-in-the-making album will come out next year. We hear a track off it that Bowditch introduces as Let’s Go To Bed (it's not a Cure cover). Next up is a Kylie cover, Can’t Get You Get Out Of My Head (complete with enthusiastic, "La-la-la," singalong). Bowditch labels herself, "Clare-bear overshare”. She closes with Amazing Life, which we learn was penned while Bowditch worked in a call centre (“inbound not outbound, thank you,” she clarifies).
Everyone's getting down to The Teskey Brothers and then all of a sudden we're like, 'No, it can't be!' Are they seriously covering Black Sabbath!? Sure are! And War Pigs certainly gives drummer Liam Gough a chance to show off. Their two-piece brass section take the guitar solo, which is innovative. As mad Sabbath fans, we're not entirely convinced by this rendition, but it's a decent effort all the same and mixes up the band's usual soul and blues thang, adding dynamic variety. Josh Teskey's voice sounds like honeyed Wild Turkey bourbon liqueur. Time is allowed for each musician to take an extended solo/lap up the personal applause at the end of the set and we do wish The Teskey Brothers would improve their stage attire.
It's high time we visit Billy Van Creamy for a sundae with chocolate sauce and brownie bits. As delish as expected.
The Jungle Giants at The Lost Lands sound like a perfect match before they even hit the stage. They open with On Your Way Down. Wow, they really do sound exactly like they do on record! The Werribee Park massive experience an energetic high and now we find it surprising that the older members of the crowd (mums and dads) know all these lyrics. The Jungle Giants bring the party and undoubtedly there are some teenagers hiding from their parents right now, embarrassed by their overenthusiastic-but-outdated dancing. Lead singer Sam Hales has a striking, accomplished vocal tone that never wavers and lead guitarist Cesira Aitken may stand back and concentrate intently on her playing, but the results are outstanding.
As we walk towards the festival exit, we clap eyes on some rugrats slicing into the branches of a tree with wooden swords. Where are there parents/guardians? So much for Lost Lands Golden Rule #5: Leave No Trace! But occasional annoyance aside, The Lost Lands truly is a festival that caters for all ages, providing young'uns - many who make their festival debut - with a safe, fun environment while also never alienating those who prefer to attend childless.
