How Red Wine & Lohan Helped Me & Over 1m Aussies Through 'The Masked Singer' Premiere

I’ve poured myself a glass of red - it’s been a tough week alright and it’s the only way I’m going to be able to make it through an episode of The Masked Singer. Not for any reason other than my boss is obsessed and his request for me to recap the premiere was not so much of a suggestion but rather something I simply must do. 

I’d like to think I have more self-respect than to admit I’m excited for this show although I do love a good costume and even more so, a good clue. Because I’m a *~serious journalist~* I’m not going in blind; I find an explainer on 10 Play. Patron saint of reality TV Osher Günsberg tells me the show has “super famous” people (sure Osh), and to keep an open mind. Apparently in the first episode we’ll meet six of the 12 celebs before the guessing panel (g’day if you’re reading Lindsay) and audience vote for their favourite performance. Those who don’t get enough votes have to face up to the panel as they decide who *dramatic sound effect* takes off their mask. More and more clues will be revealed as the shows go on. 

It’s not just LiLo on the guessing panel either. Jackie O, Dannii Minogue and Dave ‘Hughesy’ Hughes have all come aboard - as I’m sure you’ve seen from the countless ads. Osher’s there too - he’s singing, dancing and has just done a mic flip so we know we’re in business. Bachelor Osher is dead, long live Masked Singer Osher. There’s also a bunch of extras dressed up as bodyguards. They’ve got sunglasses on indoors (that means they’re tough) and I imagine they whisper things to each other like, “The Unicorn has landed,” to stay in character. The audience are wearing masks and it’s all a bit 50 Shades. Osher says the show is “unashamedly over the top” and as I top up my dog’s water bowl with Sanpellegrino I think, “Is this the show for me?” Just kidding. He only drinks Voss.

There will be three face-offs (mask-offs?) tonight and Alien vs Prawn kick things off. I’ve done my due diligence for you and collected all the night’s clues - scroll down if that’s what you’re here for, I won’t be offended. 

The Prawn is here and conducting himself like every single one of my ex-boyfriends. He sings Suspicious Minds by Elvis Presley and LiLo looks a little turned on. There’s hilarious jokes about chucking him on the barbie because we’re in Australia (geddit) and then he goes on his way. Not sure why Prawn is part pirate but good for him. He had a dream and went for it. 

At 155cm tall, Alien is a pocket rocket who “appeared out of nowhere” so immediately all of Australia screams Nikki Webster and we bust out in a choreographed routine to Strawberry Kisses. I do my best detective work and google “Nikki Webster height” and come up short. Alien sings Lady Gaga’s Born This Way. Are the song choices clues too? 

Ok the first battle is over and my main thought at this point is that there have been a lot of ad breaks. I miss my Netflix. Oh, and Prawn wins the first round. Yay Prawn.

Octopus’ strength is “unpredictability” and I ponder whether the “celebrities” got to decide what costume they were. What would I be? I can't choose. Anyway, she sings a stripped back rendition of Fame (the one from the movie not by Bowie) and it’s a time. 

Battling Octopus is Robot, an ocean loving, swimmer type who the panel assume must be an Olympian. Lurking on Twitter I am informed it’s Cody Simpson who I had forgot existed. He cleans up the contest and we feel slightly bad for Octopus. 

More ads which I use to review the detective work I have already done on Unicorn. You can read all about it here. I’m trying not to be too offended because Channel 10 lied to me (lied to us all really) and said Unicorn’s first song would be Crazy In Love. It’s actually Ed Sheeran’s Perfect. How do you expect us to take this shit seriously if you’re not giving accurate clues!? I watch the clip and stand by my decision - it’s Deni Hines. Hughesy is weirdly turned on by the mythical creature so it must be time for another ad break. 

The next character huffs and puffs and blows the house down. Not really, Unicorn wins the battle but I’ve been at this shit for an hour and needed a segue. The Wolf is keen on sport and says singing isn’t his first trade. He performs my go-to karaoke song Man! I Feel Like A Woman and Twitter is convinced it’s Rob Mills who’s also someone I forgot existed. 

We get to the end of the show and I can’t believe they’re going to drag this out for 12 episodes. Last week Channel 10 had dry humping on the beach and now they’ve got a live studio audience chanting, “Take it off!” What a time to be alive. It’s come down to Wolf, Octopus and Alien and the cephalopod comes up empty-handed (thanks, I’ll be here all week). We get one last chance to guess before the mask is ripped off and it’s… Gretel Killeen. 

So that’s it. That’s the show. Watch it if you want. It’ll be on Monday and Tuesday nights. I recommended pairing it with your drink of choice.

Alien 

Height: 155cm 

Strength: Resilient 

“People think I appeared out of nowhere but I trained for years to achieve my dream.” 

‘[Fame was] too much to bare - beamed myself away.”

Spice Girls poster and five hula hoops spotted in background.

Lot of heavy metal came her way 

First song: Born This Way - Lady Gaga

Prawn

Height: 183cm 

Strength: Sociable 

“Doesn’t take much for me to come out of my shell.”

“Enjoy being in the public eye in Austra, the UK and America.”

“Bit of a lairy lad.”

“Big stage is where I feel most comfortable.”

Seen holding soccer and NFL ball. 

“My skin wasn’t made for the hot Australian sun.”

First song: Suspicious Minds - Elvis Presley

Robot

Height: 182.8cm

Strength: Determination 

“I was created by the digital age.”

“I really care about oceans.”

Grew up surrounded by gold.

Favourite animal used to be a butterfly but now is something that goes tweet.

Attended many award nights from a very early age.

First song: Hold Back The River - James Bay

Unicorn

Height: 171cm

Strength: Magical

A creatures born of legends that has gone her own way.

She has “witnessed many miracles” and “spread joy all over the world”.

Snuffed reality tv shows because “unicorns do not believe in taking shortcuts”. 

First song: Perfect - Ed Sheeran

Wolf

Height: 178cm

Strength: Charming

Apparently up all night.

“As a pup I was keen on sport.”

Seen holding AFL ball.  

Has been “constantly misjudged” and an apprentice a couple of times.

“Singing isn’t my first trade.”

“I was well known years before I was succesful.”

First song: Man! I Feel Like A Woman - Shania Twain