When Aussie Sport and Music Collide... Badly

When you’re on top of the world of sport, it seems like you’re invincible. You can do anything. And there’s always a record company seemingly willing to egg you on that perhaps because you can kick, throw or bowl, you can probably sing or rap too. Here’s our list of sportspeople who should never have tried their hand at music.

1. Mark ‘Jacko’ Jackson - I’m An Individual

We start this list with one of the first to break the dam, AFL star Mark Jackson. A bona fide footy legend, Jacko had a long career from 1979 - 1987, but without doubt a career lowlight was this single, I’m An Individual, released in 1985. Described as a ‘shouty rap’, it peaked at #15 and spurred Jacko on to a second single, My Brain Hurts. I don’t know about the brain, but our ears are certainly in pain.

2. Warwick Capper - I Only Take What’s Mine

From 1983-1991, Warwick Capper was as known for his tight shorts as he was for his football. Seeing Jacko hit the charts, Capper decided it was his turn, releasing this questionable track I Only Take What’s Mine that same year. With nowhere near the success of Jacko, Capper backed away from music, running for politics against Pauline Hanson, starring in a porno, working as a traffic warden, being banned from Celebrity Big Brother for exposing himeself and taking up boxing. Ability to try new things? 10/10. Music ability? 0/10

3. The Ipswich Connection - Hey Hey We’re The Broncos

Why should the AFL have all the fun? In 1992, the Brisbane Broncos were the talk of Brisbane, having recently entered the NSWRL competition and taking to the southerners. Superstars Alan ‘Alfie’ Langer and brothers Kevin and Kerrod Walters decided the world needed this. A parody of The Monkees with laughable lyrics and zero musical prowess, Hey Hey We’re The Broncos was everything you’d expect it to be and less. Even worse was the b-side of the cassingle, Bronco Rap, which we’ll spare you from here. No video clip was ever produced, but the track went to #1 in Queensland, knocking Billy Ray Cyrus’ Achy Breaky Heart from the top of the charts and even hit the national charts at #18.

4. Six And Out - Can’t Bowl Can’t Throw

Unlike the others, Six and Out are a real band. Hailing from the cricket world, they still exist today led by frontman (and Bollywood hearthrob) Brett Lee and backed by lesser known professional cricketers Richard Chee Quee, Brad McNamara, Gavin Robertson and Brett’s brother Shane Lee. Spurred on by the ‘Joe the Cameraman’ scandal featuring Shane Warne (sorry kids, you’ll have to Google it) in 2000, the single was lifted from the first of two albums by the band. With lyrics like “I met this good-looker down at the bar”, this is Aussie sport at its very best. And Aussie music at its very worst. It reached #100 on the ARIA Charts and whoever missed out because of them probably deserves to be bought a beer.

5. Anthony ‘Choc’ Mundine - Platinum Ryder

One-time rugby league player and boxing legend Anthony Mundine decided in 2007 that he’d have a crack at a rap career. He has released a few tracks, but like most other sporting greats, it’s his biographic tune featuring Kyte Kutter, Bambino and August that he decided to go all in on. Their better rapping almost saves the track, but it still didn’t trouble the charts. It does start with a portion of Archie Roach’s Took The Children Away though, showing that regardless of his rapping ability, Choc does have some good musical taste.

6. Beau Ryan (ft. Justice Crew) - Where You From?

In 2014, Beau Ryan had just retired from the NRL and joined the NRL Footy Show, becoming one of the highest profile men in the code. He was somehow signed to Sony Music (because why wouldn’t you?) and released this head scratcher which debuted at #18 on the ARIA Charts. Essentially a Pauly Fenech-style parody of…. something…. this was Ryan’s first and last chart entry before realising hosting The Amazing Race Australia was more his vibe.

7. Ray ‘Rabs’ Warren & Roy Bing - Rabs

In the world of Australian sport, even the commentators are celebrities and when Ray ‘Rabs’ Warren retired a couple of years ago, he teamed up with Roy Bing who did this remix of some of his best commentary work. It didnt trouble the charts and that’s probably for the best.

SPECIAL MENTION: The 12th Man - Marvellous

The one doesn’t count in the list because firstly it’s not REALLY by a sportsperson and secondly it’s actually bloody great. The 12th Man (AKA Billy Birmingham) created an amazing career parodying the Channel 9 cricket time and especially Richie Benaud. With a multi-decade career with spoken word comedy records, 1991 saw Birmingham grab a bunch of uncredited musician mates including Jimmy Barnes, Diesel, John Farnham, Glenn Shorrock, Mark Callaghan, Buzz Bidstrup and more to create this banger. It went to #1 and is a seminal tune for anyone alive in the early 90s. It really is Marvellous.