The Beards Tour Diary Part Seven

5 December 2012 | 12:42 pm | The Beards

The ARIA Awards were a farce, and now the end of the world is near.

4th of Decembeard, 2012 – 17 days BB (Before Beards)
29th Nov – 2nd of Decembeard

The ARIAs, Tasmania, Adelaide & one final message.

On Thursday the 29th of November we attended the ARIA Awards under false pretences. We were assured that the function was a celebration of bearded contributions to the Australian music scene. However, what went on during that night was nothing short of a farce. The show was opened by a couple of beardless, faux-gangsters ranting about something to do with how “street” they were for having grown up in a white, middle-class suburb. I rushed to the toilet to purge the contents of my stomach along with any remaining hope I had for our great nation. Of all the many recipients of awards that night, there was but one bearded man who went by the name of Gotye. I spent most of the night in the bathroom retching, but Nathaniel Beard assured me that Gotye not only thanked The Beards, but also that he attributed all of his successes throughout his entire career to The Beards and having a beard in general. Of course we are not surprised by this, but thank Gotye back for properly using the voice he was afforded on the night.

Later that night Johann and I were required to attend an after party. It was here that we met a beardless fan of ours named Molly.

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Molly told us how for some people it was near enough to impossible to grow a beard. Molly said how loving and truly believing in our band's message is a constant struggle for those hairily-challenged individuals. Now of course normally we would instantly dismiss the pleas of beardless miscreants like Molly, but there was something about this particular fan that spoke to us more than all the other mindless, clean-chined sycophants. We begrudgingly posed for the photo above and assured Molly that gender-barriers were no excuse for beardlessness – citing my own grandmother, as well as droves of Mediterranean women, who muster the verve to grow their beards despite their genetics. She seemed confused but heartened by our advice and so Johann and I went back to our hotel rooms feeling as though our inaugural ARIA experience was not a complete waste.

The next night in Hobart we felt as though we had to put the sickening experience of the ARIA “awards” behind us and refocus on our purpose – playing songs about beards. We could not have asked for a better crowd. The “gig” was well attended by hundreds of bearded and beard-loving individuals. One fan in particular had gone to the effort of fashioning a bearded doll for us named “Mr. Beardy”.

He suggested that I may get separated from other beards after the end of the world (for beardless people) and that Mr. Beardy could keep me company, much like Wilson does for Tom Hanks' character in the movie Castaway. I then chatted with him how good that movie is for showing how a man can survive on an island only if and when he grows a beard, and how poignant it is that as soon as he becomes reliant on modern conveniences again he shaves and loses his wife – hats off to bearded director Steven Speilbeard.

With new found hope we left Hobart for our hometown of Adelaide. Adelaide, a lot of people don't know (because no-one ever visits) is entirely made up of bearded people – 100 percent beards. So it was a pleasure to finish our tour here. We didn't play music, as our work has been done for years, so instead we gathered at Jive bar on Hindley Street with our closest friends and family and spoke of our travels. We reminisced of the time we'd spent over the last seven weeks as well as our seven year journey helping to save people from the coming apocalypse. It was just tremendous.

A Final Thought:

The end is near. We have done all we can to caution you of the horrible demise that awaits the beardless. Those of you who failed to heed our warnings, your fate is all but sealed. Those of you who listened, we look forward to the post-apocalyptic beard party where we shall drink and dance atop the heathen corpses.

Warm regards,

The Beards.

Editor's note: Last night The Beards' picked up the $5,000 Emily Burrows Award from APRA