OP-ED: “The Only Girl In The Band” & Finding Your Confidence

As Civic Video gear up for their Making Room For Others headline tour, bassist Belle Whitwell shares why she's so much more than "the only girl in the band."

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Being the only girl in a band of boys feels completely normal… until someone external points it out by saying something like, “It’s so good to see a girl playing in a boy band.”

Truthfully, I don’t really notice or care that I’m the only girl in Civic Video. In our band, we look out for each other, respect each other and pick on each other equally. They’re three of my greatest friends, and they rarely make me feel like I’m any different from them.

Saying that, obviously a few differences which I would call “downsides” - needing more time to get ready, having to pack more for gigs, and being stuck in a tiny car with three smelly boys - but being the only girl has never really bothered me. Other people seem to notice it much more than I do.

I think that’s partly because our music scene is still so heavily dominated by men. We are lucky to have heaps of incredibly talented female musos in the scene, but unfortunately, they’re still outnumbered by men by about 8-to-1. A lot of the time, I’m the only girl in the green room. When I first started out, that made me feel out of place. Now, I barely notice it.

What I do notice is the way other people sometimes react to me being there.

Civic Video performing live. Credit: Sam Brumby

Over the years, I’ve gotten used to questions like, “So which one of the band members are you dating?”, having my own gear mansplained to me, and even being denied entrance into green rooms because there were “no guests/girlfriends of the band” allowed.

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People sometimes seem surprised that I’m actually part of the band, as though I must be there because of a man rather than because I’m a musician. So maybe it's less about the judgement from inside the “music industry” and more about the judgment from outside it…

But strangely, being the only girl hasn’t been the thing I’ve found most difficult. The harder thing has been learning to believe that I deserve to be there in the first place.

It wasn’t always like this. When I started in the band, I didn’t know how to take a compliment. If someone told me how great they thought the set was, I’d immediately point out all the mistakes I’d made. If we pulled a big crowd, I’d talk about what a crazy coincidence it was that so many people happened to show up.

On multiple occasions during our first few years, [singer] Zac [Newton-John] had to pull me aside and point out that if I talked to people like we didn’t belong in the spotlight, people might just believe us.

Civic Video performing live. Credit: Search Media

It took me a long time to understand what he meant. But eventually, I started noticing the difference between how the boys responded to praise and how I did. When someone complimented them, they would respond with pride and excitement, whereas I responded with apologies and excuses.

Realising that completely changed my mindset, both inside and outside of the band. I started to understand that accepting a compliment wasn’t arrogant. Being proud of something I had worked hard for wasn’t selfish. I didn’t have to immediately find a reason why my achievements weren’t actually that impressive.

While this might be an experience more singular to me, I do see women of all generations doing the same. Historically, women have been taught to downplay their achievements, make themselves small and prioritise being selfless and likeable. While society has changed, these expectations still shape how women see themselves.

Confident women have often been criticised as aggressive, arrogant or “too much” for behaviours that are celebrated in men. As a result, I think we internalise the idea that confidence is arrogance and ambition is selfish, learning to soften our opinions, apologise before speaking, qualify our achievements with “I got lucky”, and hesitate to take up space.

Although women have more freedom to succeed than ever, it might take some time for all of us to feel unapologetically confident in that success.

Civic Video performing live. Credit: Supplied/Courtesy of Civic Video

For me, being in this band has been a lesson in taking up space. It has taught me to take pride in my achievements, back myself, and be confident in my choices. More importantly, it has taught me that I don’t have to make myself smaller to make other people comfortable.

I know I represent not only myself in the music scene, but my band, my friends, and the women who already play - or want to start playing - music in the Sydney scene. I’ve also met an awesome community of girls who have had many of the same experiences as me, and there’s something really powerful about realising you’re not the only one.

My self-confidence is still a work in progress, but I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere without the three guys in my band showing me how it’s done. Now I want to pass that on.

I want more young girls to see women taking up space and being unapologetically themselves on stage and think, “I could do that.” I want them to feel inspired to work hard, stand proud of their achievements, and not apologise for being loud.

Girls coming up to me and saying, “I started playing bass because of you” means the absolute world to me. That’s exactly why I love it. Maybe one day they’ll encourage someone else to do it too.

Because ultimately, I don’t want being the only girl in the greenroom to be remarkable. I want it to be normal.

I want anyone to get in a band and show the world the best version of themselves, whatever that looks like, and whoever it’s with - as long as it’s with good people.

Civic Video’s new EP, Making Room For Others, is out now. Tickets to their EP tour are now available.