A Guide To Make Music Festivals More Accessible

27 July 2012 | 3:35 pm | SPA Confidential

For one, there's too many people and the music's too loud.

SPA Confidential isn't at a music festival this weekend, because SPA Confidential feels that music festivals have lost their way. So we thought we'd offer a succinct and easy-to-follow ten-step guide to getting things back on track.

1. Limit the amount of people allowed in so there is a maximum of 25 people per stage. This way everyone can sit down and enjoy the music.

2. We don't want to sit on the ground either, supply recliners please.

3. Reduce the ticket price. Any ticket over $15 should come with your choice of a glass of aged port or single malt Scotch whisky.

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4. In fact, all alcohol should be banned apart from port and single malt Scotch whisky.

5. All performing artists should be required to pray for five minutes before their set.

6. All festivals should have a curfew of 5pm and should not start before midday. There should also be hour-breaks between acts so punters can use the facilities and have a proper sit-down three-course meals.

7. Any site that does not have built-in and fully serviced bathrooms, complete with hand-dryers and complimentary soap, should be forbidden from every hosting a live festival.

8. At the first site of mud, a festival should be called off.

9. Anyone under the age of 40 should have to wear a yellow vest, thus identifying themselves as a potential trouble-maker.

10. The music should be quiter. If you can hear it from 50 metres away, it's too loud.