Ali G: Massive Attack.

Ali G Indahouse is in cinemas Thursday.

Booyakasha! The West Staines Massive’s finest is about to hit the screen in the well wickid comedy Ali G. After the West Staines Nike Leisure Centre is shut down, Ali embarks on a one man mission to have it re-opened. He unwittingly draws attention from the Deputy Prime Minister, who is looking for a candidate in the upcoming Staines by-election and convinces Ali his best chance of saving the centre is to run for office. Respeck.

In Ali G Indahouse, you become an MP. What prompted you to go into politics?

“It iz a film you bell end. I did not go into politics in real life you bamba claat. I iz pretendin.”

If you stood for Prime Minister, what would your manifesto be?

“Me wouldn’t have a Manifesto, coz dat iz sexualist - instead me would be da first PM to ave a Bitchfesto. Ho’s has for too long not been given da respek dey deserve in dis country and me would change all dat. I don’t mean goin mental and lettin dem vote, or anyfin like dat, but practical fings to elp dem - like givin huge benefits for single mothas. Dis one simple policy would not only elp loads of small children, but would also encourage a lot of young women not to be so frigid.”

What is your earliest memory?

“Me cannot remember wot me earliest memory woz, but me do remember a lovely sunny day when me Nan took me on a big red train to Legoland. I saw a windmill made of Lego – it woz de best start to de year 2000 dat anyone could ever want. Some total squares claim dat smoking nuff weed make your memory bad – dat iz rubbish. Me earliest memory woz a sunny day and me Nan took me on a big red train to Legoland.”

What do you remember about your school days?

“Why iz u so fuckin nosey arksin all dese questions about me. I don’t go arksin you what you did in skool so I don’t see why u should keep bangin on arksin me stuff.”

How’s MeJulie today?

“She is well happy coz I iz given her almost 70 squids to buy a new dress for de film premiere. She iz gonna look exactly like Liz Hurley in ‘dat dress’ – except fatter and more mingin – de techmology don’t hexist to make safety pins strong enuff to hold in her batty.”

What was your last row about?

“Dat iz very personal and me aint goin to comment on it, she wood be well offended if me told u dat me haccidentally took her up de batty wivout warnin her again. She don’t like it when me change lanes wivout indicatin.”

What did you do to make up?

“Me splashed out on a new dress for her. MeJulie went mental and spent de rest of de night cleanin it off.

What is so great about Staines?

“In da last few years, dere has been a lot of revedelopment in da area, wiv loads of new houses and businesses bein’ created. Dis iz obviously good newz for da youf, becoz of da increased hopportunities for teefin. Me just hope and pray dat, wiv Jah’s elp, Staines can one day be as good as Souf Central LA innit.”

How do you look back at your days as an 11 O’Clock Show reporter?

“Me gotta be honest me never watched it, I cant believe de programmers was stooped enuf to stick it on at 11.00 – hexactly de same time as de freeview on Channel X – de bell ends, it could never compete wiv dat.”

What do you think of to delay your orgasm?

“Me usually fink of bein in a totally embarrassin and bad place to be lettin da soldiers out of da barracks in - like for hexample, on a bus surrounded by old women. Hunfortunately, da last time me tried dis, it didn’t work and me caused a bit of an upset on da top deck of a number 56 goin from Egham to Langley.”

Who would be in your ideal 5-way?

“Destiny’s Child, Tupac and Biggie – hobviously none of us would touch each others nobs.”

Who wouldn’t you touch with a bargepole?

“Altho dat hexpression usually describes when u don’t fancy someone - when I touch someone wiv a bargepole, it mean da opposite, if u you wot I iz sayin… I mean I iz got a massive dong.”

What was your favourite toy as a kid?

“Let’s just say it woz da same size and colour as a Haction Man (da black one), but had no arms or legz - and only one eye. Me still plays wiv it every single day.”

Would you ever see a therapist?

“Depends how fit she woz.”

Are you man enough to explore all your erogenous zones?

“Me Julie always says dat de mind iz de greatest erogenous zone. I tell her to shut up and play wiv me cock.”

What’s your biggest fear?

“Like everyone else, me obviously worries dat someday countries like Iraq, Taliban and Belgium might get hold of a pirate copy of Jurassic Park and will den use da techmology in it to build dere own dinersaurs.”

Define happiness?

“It means bein happy. Iz u fick or sumfin?”