Congrats Australia - We Don't Know How, But We Made It Through 'The Masked Singer'

22 October 2019 | 11:50 am | Lauren Baxter

A staggering 1.88 million Australians tuned in to see the winner of 'The Masked Singer' revealed last night. Lauren Baxter was one of them. Here she recaps the episode with completely genuine, not at all feigned, sincerity.

'The Masked Singer' finale. Photo via Twitter.

'The Masked Singer' finale. Photo via Twitter.

Well, well, well, look who it is... ME! Your dear friend and favourite Masked Singer recapper. And guess what? We made it! Through five gruelling weeks, we made it! 

I’m sorry... I can’t lie to you - I haven’t watched this shit since my boss forced me to recap the premiere. I know! I hope you can forgive me. In any case, I’m back, mainly because I’m a masochist and will do anything for money - help me I’m poor - so let’s get through this together. 

But first, fill her up boys…

Don't miss a beat with our FREE daily newsletter

It’s the finale! After a few short ad breaks, we’ll know who’s under those final three masks! If you don’t know how to feel about that, don’t worry, Channel 10 have got you covered with classic cutaways to the audience reacting and it’s definitely not doctored. Lindsay Lohan (g’day if you’re reading) is legitimately (contractually or not) choked up. I for one can barely contain my excitement. 

I’m addicted to the internet - it’s work alright - so despite not watching the show, I am 150% sure I know who each of the final three are. I’d wager my firstborn fur child Winston on it and that’s saying a lot. Scribbling down my guesses on a leftover receipt (I may not be a serial watcher but I take my detective work very seriously… ok maybe I just love being right), I give them to the boyf who’s salty he’s missing Love Island

All the characters are back and I’m seriously questioning the continuity of this show. Don’t these “celebrities” have better things to do with their time? You’ve already been revealed? Why is your mask back on? Let the dream go. 

Together they sing some song Google tells me is from The Greatest Showman (sorry Jackman, never watched it) and Hughesy makes hilarious quips like this is the Noah’s Ark of nightclubs. To be fair, come 2am in the smokers section of most places I frequent, he could be right. Hey Wolf, you got a light? 

They send the creatures back to the cage I can only assume they all share during filming so Wolf can sing Beatles classic Come Together. It’s a time. Our mate Osher is really stressing that these people are household names (lol) and we can barely believe this has been commissioned for season two already. Maybe time to up the show’s budget, hey hey? 

Monster’s sob story would have had Simon Cowell pushing the gold button (lever? switch? buzzer? Sorry don’t watch that either) so our money is on her taking this thing out. Her daughter Mike Wazowski makes an appearance (alwayssssss watching) in the clue segment. As for the performance yeah, not bhed, good (vocal) syze. 

Branding the last clue as the contestant’s “Final Words” is a tad ominous but how good would the show be if when the audience chanted “Take if off”, they actually took the heads off?! The Masked Singer: Halloween Special. Feel free to give me a call Channel 10. Don’t steal my idea.

Robot finishes singing and LiLo is the only one standing up for some reason. *Sniff sniff*  We smell the beginning of a Cyrus/Lohan beef. Spicy. There’s a weird moment when we learn Lohan isn’t currently speaking to her sister - nice insight into Lohan family dynamics there - and Hughesy gives a touchdown (surely Mark Holden has trademarked that?!) to distract everyone. 

Back from an ad break and I’m too angry to recap this part. Bloody Monster was robbed I tell you! Gorgi Coghlan is revealed in third place and yes, you don’t even need to ask, I called it. She shares a tender moment about her mum and says something I’m pretty sure I read on my Co-Star app this morning.

The remaining furry faces up to the android and in a few short minutes, following the sacrifice of 176,000 sequins (hope they’re biodegradable), we’ll have our Masked Singer winner. 

Rob Mills gets his wolf head ripped off (called it) and I’m two for two baby! That means Robot wins and it’s as underwhelming as it sounds. He takes off his mask and wowweee did anyone see this coming!?! It’s Cody Simpson! I’m kidding, of course we did. Even Lindsay Lohan did - and not because it was in her contract to guess the winner correctly or anything. 

Our main thought at this point, other than relief,  is who is Simpson’s manager? Damn they’ve been working hard getting this kid back in the spotlight. Was the Hemsworth-Cyrus split timed so Simpson could make headlines just in time for The Masked Singer finale? Was the Robot costume what sealed the deal for Cyrus? Can you have a comeback tour if you’ve never made it in the first place? What the hell was that furniture feud about? There’s a conspiracy here, I’m sure of it. Meet me on YouTube and we can uncover it together.