The Five Worst Console Games, 2005 Present

With the release this Friday past of Microsoft's eighth-generation console, the Xbox One, and the impending launch of Sony's PlayStation 4 this coming week, it's time to prepare for a whole new world of gaming, one heretofore unmatched in ambition, versatility, scope, narrative drive, innovation, inclusiveness, accessibility and visual sexiness.

But, then, we've been told that at least since the Super Nintendo and other fourth-gen consoles first came along to blow the third gen's weak-ass 8-bit games right out of the water.

And, largely, the industry has delivered on its promises: Graphics are light years ahead of where they were even 15 years ago, during the 3D revolution of the fifth generation; game scripts have become more complex and engaging; and the development of online multiplayer has added another whole dimension to the gaming experience. But, even so, newer is not always better, and it takes far more to make a good game than just pretty looks and the ability to get shot at by sexually frustrated 15-year-olds in Canada.

Perhaps no games of the seventh generation better demonstrate that fact than…

5. Leisure Suit Larry: Box Office Bust (Xbox 360, PS3)

The original Leisure Suit Larry, released in 1987, was an adult-themed adventure game made in a time before it was considered kosher for adults to play video games. It featured a middle-aged lout of a protagonist and was strewn with puerile humour and poorly rendered sexcapades, but none of this is really meant as an insult. I mean, yes, with hindsight, the sexism and shallowness is so apparent they could have just called it Misogyny: The Game and been done with it, but it nonetheless remains a hallowed title among certain circles of the older gaming demographic.

Leisure Suit Larry the first can at least claim it was made in the spirit of the times – however messed up that admission might be. But Box Office Bust, which stars vanilla Larry's nephew (also called Larry) as its titular tittilator, has no such excuse. In fairness, the developers, Team 17, made a point of removing pretty much all the explicit sex and nudity, but then replaced it with some of the shittiest fucking writing this side of Atlas Shrugged, which is to say nothing of its gameplay, an activity so wearisome and unrewarding that even people who sit through week-long tennis tournaments without batting an eyelid would struggle through it. But, hey, at least they kept the sexist overtones intact.

4. Self-Defense Training Camp (Xbox 360)

Look, it's best to take most Kinect games with a grain of salt anyway, but holy balls was this an abomination. To put it mildly, this game was broken from the ground up, and not in an endearing Big Rigs kind of way. If – if - you were fortunate enough for the game to even recognise you through Kinect as a human being with moving parts and limbs, you were pretty much consigning yourself to five minutes of flailing around like Mr Fantastic in the middle of an epileptic fit while poorly animated trainers barked instructions at you before you realised there is no possible way that self-defence lessons you picked up from a video game and a dude whose go-to direction seems to be “aim for the nads” are ever going to be useful to you.

I remain sceptical of movement-based gaming in general, and this did absolutely nothing to change that, partially because it is a genuinely awful experience but also because I just don't believe that people who look like the guy in the photo above, or on the game cover itself, for that matter, would ever resort to virtual instruction to follow their fitness goals. No – this game was clearly made by people who think physical activity is a punishment, for people who think physical activity is a punishment, making it a microcosm of sadomasochism that should be avoided at all costs.

3. Naughty Bear (Xbox 360, PS3)

I'm sure Artificial Mind & Movement had the best of intentions when they were developing this, the tale of Naughty Bear, the lone resident on Perfection Island who is denied an invitation to fellow bear Daddles' birthday party. Someone at that company evidently figured, “Hey, everyone loves a good hack'n'slash, and also teddy bears, so they're guaranteed to love them together,” and someone else higher up was like, “Man, promote Steve. This is his best idea yet! Burn my mattress – I'll be sleeping on piles of cash from now on!”

Well, no, fictional AM&M development chief – sack Steve and keep your mattress, because this game is fucked.

Since such tendencies are right there in his stupid name, Naughty Bear, upon finding he has been excluded from Daddles' celebrations, immediately gets his Jack Torrance on and sets about murdering the faces off his ostracisers, and… that's it. That's the game: one long-ass death spree marred by sluggishness and repetition. I hope you like killing fluffy jerks for hours, because that's all that's for dinner here. It wouldn't be so unbelievably sad if Rare hadn't already basically done the “naughty teddy bears” idea – far more competently – with its Nazi-esque Tediz in 2001's Conker's Bad Fur Day.

2. Duke Nukem Forever (Xbox 360, PS3)

Behold, the gaming industry's equivalent of Chinese Democracy. Only, somehow, Duke Nukem Forever managed to be far more offensive to every sense than Axl Rose could ever hope to be. Honestly, making a worthy follow-up to 1996's infamous Duke Nukem 3D was never going to be an easy feat, but it also shouldn't have been so difficult as to take 3D Realms 15 years from its original announcement to get its shit together enough to rip off the gaming world's head and drop this steaming turd down its neck.

Probably the most insane thing about the eventual release of Duke Nukem Forever in 2011 was that, although the engine had been upgraded several times throughout the entire protracted process, the game still looked dated by the time it hit shelves and, not only that, it sounded dated, too. Somewhere in the decade-and-a-half between Duke Nukem 3D and DNF, the general public's tolerance for hyper-masculine one-line-touting action heroes was diminished enough that, by the time Duke rolled back onto screens (and with 45-second load times, he rolled goddamn slowly), spouting his tired clichés and sexist drivel that would make even Tony Abbott blush, he was met with far more groans than cheers.

1. Rogue Warrior (Xbox 360, PS3)

For a studio responsible for some of this generation's most critically acclaimed games, Bethesda really just shits the bed sometimes. Bitchin' facial hair and being voiced by Mickey Rourke aside, the protagonist in this game – Navy SEAL Richard Marcinko, a real-life veteran who wrote this disaster and didn't bother to change the character's name – is magnificently unlikeable, a combined result of his excessive vulgarity and general refusal to do anything your controller asks of him.

Ironically, the game's most damning aspect is, in many ways, also its most redeeming: its incredibly short playtime. Given that the game is stacked with a whole two to three hours of gameplay – including setbacks that arise from its multiple glitches – Bethesda's decision to sell this as a full-price game was about as well-received as personalised photos of the company's CEO with his dick in customers' mouths while they slept. On the other hand, if you ever commit yourself to making it through this murky realm where fun goes to die, at least it will be over before the urge to end it all takes hold. Probably.