Morrissey Officially Wrote The Worst Sex Scene In Fiction This Year, Has Award To Prove It

3 December 2015 | 12:59 pm | Staff Writer

It featured the words "bulbous salutation", FYI

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Veteran musician and blossoming literary flower Morrissey may only have one novel to his name — this year's List Of The Lost — but he's already raking in the accolades (sort of), taking out the Bad Sex In Fiction prize in the 2015 Literary Review awards.

As The Age reports, judges were clearly taken — in one form or another — with Morrissey's inventive, descriptive, borderline nonsensical writing style, with The Telegraph having done the world a great service by reprinting solid chunks of this literary despair to prevent anyone from having to actually purchase the book in order to just read the 'best' bits.

Among the awkward, lumbering madness, Morrissey manages to whip out (sorry) not only "otherwise central zone" as a heartily unsexy euphemism for a woman's vagina, but casually drops "bulbous salutation" for good measure, because his end goal is clearly to rid the world of the ability to experience any kind of arousal. Seriously, read this passage and then pray for your sex organs, because they will lose the will to exist for just having been near these words.

"At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza's breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra's howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked it way into every muscle of Eliza's body except for the otherwise central zone."

Oh, yeah. That is hot stuff.

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Somewhat upsettingly, Morrissey was not in attendance at the Literary Review's annual dinner in London on Tuesday night (imagine that speech), leaving rock critic Charles Shaar Murray to win the evening with his acceptance-in-stead:

Actually, in all honesty, we're pretty sure this night was orchestrated solely to have fun at Morrissey's expense. At least, that's what the Lit Review's Twitter stream makes us think...

Congratulations, Moz!