The Beards' Tour Diary Part Five

THE BIG THREE CAPITALS
Thursday 1 to Saturday 3 November

Last week marked the halfway point of our national tour to warn people about the coming apocalypse on beardless people. It also was the weekend in which we played three of the larger capital cities on the tour; Canberra, Sydney and Melbourne. Having already toured to these three cities extensively in the past, we were feeling confident that most of our work had already been done, and that our role on this tour would be merely one of refreshing people of the importance of having a beard – we were right.

Canberra never disappoints us for lack of bearded people. It is truly a worthy capital city for our nation, as not only are there so many bearded people, but there aren't the Johnny-come-lately, scarf-wearing, latte-sipping sycophants that can inhabit some of our larger cities. These people believe, as we do, that having a beard is the right thing to do – and I believe they have always thought that. Canberra is not full of band-wagon jumpers, and never has been. For me, playing the gig in Canberra was like a fat kid eating butter – it just felt right.

After eating butter for breakfast, we then drove to Sydney where the vibe was a lot different from the night before. There was a huge crowd turn out for the show and a rowdier bunch you'd struggle to find. In retrospect I can confidently say that this raucous behaviour was due to the large number of beardless people in the crowd. The normally well-behaved bearded people were aggravated by the negative force of these beardless miscreants like a Mentos in a Coke bottle. It was decided by us, The Beards, that we needed to review this problem with the source. I confronted the nearest beardless person I could find backstage and discussed my disgust at his effeminate chin. I'm not going to use this forum to name and shame this particular “man”, but the conversation went something like this:

“Look Johnny Wishbone, lead singer of The Snowdroppers, your chin is not a right it's a responsibility!” I barked. “Pull ya f*#k'n head in!!!” I added.

He may have tried to reply but I went on to speak over him and yell what a disappointment he was to me and, no doubt, his family for the way in which he presented himself. As awkward tears welled in his eyes I walked away feeling confident I had made a positive impression on him.

Arriving at the venue in Melbourne we were optimistic that things were going to be better than our previous visits. Melbourne is notorious for the scarf-wearers I mentioned earlier. I should be clear at this point that the scarf is a symbol of bearded oppression. It's a device made artificially to replace the natural neck warmer we were designed to adorn ourselves with. I painfully recall our first tour to Melbourne when while driving through the city, the floor of our tour van filled with vomit and faeces as our natural reaction to such a high number of neck-shackles played out. On this visit however, I am pleased to report that Melbourne was vastly different. It was not the utopian, all-bearded crowd that we've aspired to all these years, but it was notably scarf-free.

In areas like Melbourne where the population is so great, and was so misguided just a few years ago, we take a great feeling of achievement away with us, knowing that baby steps have been made. With the removal of heinous items like scarves, cravats and (God forbid) pashminas, it becomes only a matter of time before that natural state of being takes hold.

Of course, you only have until December 21. To quote The Beards, “It's time to act. The time is now.”

Grow a beard.