Festival Officers Introduce New Regulations

Reacting to reports that Police are quite disappointed in the behaviour of festival attendees, the Federal Government are set to announce sweeping reforms of laws and regulations applicable to festivals. They will be enforced by a newly-formed security organisation called 'Festival Officers'.

According to a bill being passed through the lower house, which SPA Confidential found on Pintrest, the extensive laws are comprised of ten keys points, which are explained below.

1. Over-population of queues. A festival queue of over 20 people, whether it be for food/drinks, toilets etc., will be considered gang intent and the loitering individuals will be asked to move along.

2. Camouflage to be banned. Anyone found wearing camouflage, whether it be leopard-print clothing or a hat that looks like a wolf will be asked to remove that part of clothing. Festival Officers need to be able to clearly see all punters at all times.

3. No flowers in hair. The act of putting flowers in one's hair is seen to represent membership of a dangerous organisation or cult. Anyone found with flowers in or around their hair will be asked to leave.

4. Unnecessary bodily movements. Anyone found moving erratically to the beat of one or more musics at a festival will be asked to leave. The movement of arms and legs is considered dangerous to those around you.

5. Sitting on the ground. Sitting on the ground will be banned, as terrorist plots could potentially be hatched by people passing messages to each other the ground.

6. Communication devices to be confiscated. Mobile phones will be confiscated immediately, as they could be used to organise riots. Also, anyone suspected of using sign language can be arrested and held for a maximum of 48 hours.

7. Responsible service of refreshments. Any vendor found serving cold refreshments may be subject to a temperature check. If the drinks are considered cold enough to be 'refreshing', they will have their stall taken away as that could encourage excessive refreshing.

8. Physical contact. Physical contact between festival attendees will be banned. To discourage the dogma that music festivals are a place of 'love and freedom', Festival Officers will remove anyone found touching another person. Note, both touch-er and touch-ee will be removed.

9. Festival tax. Anyone who refused to pay a Festival Officer the newly-introduced festival tax (a percentage of the ticket price, determined by the Officer on a case-by-case basis) will be forcefully removed.

10. If a performing artist is playing music deemed to be "offensive to a certain section of the population, damaging to the national image, overly-emotional or too loud," the Festival Officers reserve the right to cancel the whole event.