Facebook's Zuckerberg To Buy Catholic Church, China and EMI

1 June 2012 | 4:10 pm | SPA Confidential

Following Facebook's public float disaster, Zuckerberg is looking to buy the Catholic Church, China and EMI.

With the Facebook float about as popular as a turd float in the office toilet, CEO Mark Zuckerberg has gone on the kinda buy-up bender not usually seen outside of a Carrie Bradshaw montage in a Sex And The City film. With Spotify, Opera, Nokia and Face.com all on his radar, we hear that next on his shopping list is the Catholic Church.

SPA Confidential was lucky enough to drug a senior Facebook official while he was holidaying in Australia recently, and using some traditional journalistic techniques like water-boarding have to discovered what else Zuckerberg wants to put in his shopping basket.

With the Catholic Church currently being rocked by the biggest scandal since the Borgias, Zuckerberg is viewing now as the perfect time to make a move. "He needs cash," the Facebook official told us, "and the Vatican vaults have heaps of holy-ish shit that we can flog. We'll probably sell off most of the city through a new Facebook bidding app. We'll call it the ApPope."

Zuckerberg also figures he can introduce a Grndr type crusising app for Catholic priests to save them reyling on a Vatican elder to pimp out deacons for them.

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Hot on the papal sale trail, is China, as Zuckerberg is also planning to purchase the super-power.

"It's the one market we haven't really cracked, what with the whole communism and 'You can't visit Facebook' thing the Chinese government is harping on about," said our official in a call to his wife, which we tapped.

"And Mark's really fucking pissed. He wants that market. So he said, 'Fuck it. I'll buy your country'. Facebook will be mandatory for every Chinese citizen. After birth, they'll have a week to sign up."

According to sources far, far away from the matter, SPA Confidential has been told that China's one child policy will be abolished so as not to hinder the flow of possible Facebook users.

Perhaps most shocking of all though is the news that Facebook are making a play for major record label EMI - despite the fact it's already been split-up and sold to Universal and Sony/ATV.

Facebook's in-house analyst told a rival media outlet, who we won't credit, today, "The new Facebook business strategy is to buy other companies when they're at their highest price - usually thanks to hype. It's what we did with our float, and what we hope to do with the likes of Spotify and whatever the fuck that Pinny-thing is. We're just waiting for them to get really big, so we can pay top-dollar for them.

"Unfortunately, there's no hype whatsoever about EMI at the moment. In fact, all music record labels have, what we call in the industry, anti-hype. The only way we could pay well over its worth for EMI was to wait until someone else bought it, and then buy it for double the price immediately after that."

Perhaps Facebook's biggest concern is a realisation in public opinion that seems to be saying, 'Hey, why the fuck are we all using this?'

Bird-calling expert and business-card-fancier Tom Brabham summed up the mood when he told us, "I don't even know why I fucking use this shit. I'm going to have a wank and go to bed instead of spending my next two hours spying on kids I knew high school who I wouldn't give a shit about usually."

SPA Confidential caught up with Zuckerberg in Yackandandah yesterday and have come to the conclusion that he's a jerk after trying to pay for our one-course lunch with 'Likes' before rushing off with the excuse that he "Had to check in to the Stanley Pub before 4pm".