"All it takes is a big ego, an even bigger social network, and a set of abs and/or boobs that look as good under a loose-fitting singlet as they do when you’re shredding at the gym!"
EXTRACT FROM A HYPOTHETICAL PILOT SCRIPT FOR NEW REALITY TV SHOW THE PROMOTER
HOST (any former Miss Universe Australia contestant): Good evening Australia, and welcome to The Promoter! Over the next 13 weeks, we'll be showing you that it's no longer necessary to spend every weekend of your life on the dancefloor before taking that big step into the world of putting on your own events. All it takes is a big ego, an even bigger social network, and a set of abs and/or boobs that look as good under a loose-fitting singlet as they do when you're shredding at the gym!
Here's a quick reminder of the high stakes at play between now and the epic hands-in-the-air finale.
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Of course, no reality TV show would be complete without contestants hand-picked to irritate the absolute fuck out of you. So without further ado, here's the drop!
[Roll audio of Avicii – Levels over montage of individual contestants dancing awkwardly to no music in a TV studio.]
BLAKE went to his first club night three weeks ago, having been exposed to EDM for the first time a week earlier when he bought a festival 'industry VIP ticket' from his promoter/DJ friend, DJ Swagstep. With a much bigger Facebook friend count than Swagstep, Blake's goal is to outsell his mate when the festival rolls around next year, scoring himself the coveted half hour slot at 11:30am on a stage that isn't even on the official event map in the process.
It was during a dancefloor epiphany watching Tigerlily spin at Sydney's recent Your Shot DJ comp finals that ANDY knew he wanted to be a promoter. Having gazed longingly on her from afar that night, his goal is to host Tigerlily at his own event so he can gaze longingly at her from beside the decks without any risk of scoring an AVO.
Twenty-seven-year-old cocaine importer AUSTIN has altruistic reasons for entering The Promoter. Sick of the end user receiving inferior, heavily cut product from dodgy dealers in nightclub toilets, Austin plans to set up a national network of Coke Uncut club nights to ensure punters receive only his own clean supply of Colombia's finest before they pose for social photos in roped-off VIP areas.
Speaking of rack, even I'm in awe of the one attached to Gold Coast girl TIFFANY! She's handed out more Buy One, Get One Free drink tickets on the Cavill Ave glitter strip than any other girl in Surfers Paradise history, experience that's sure to make her one to beat when The Promoter climaxes.
Finally, meet AMBER. The Melburnian techno fiend has just returned from a 12 month clubbing pilgrimage across the globe, and is ready to apply the lessons learned in the depths of K-holes at Berghain, Fabric, Cielo, Womb and DC10 to Australian superclubs that she says are finally ripe for a more forward-thinking music policy.
[Roll audio of Avicii – Levels (Instrumental Mix), return to HOST.]
HOST (after costume change): With absolutely no training, we're going to throw our contestants in at the deep end and see how they cope with some common obstacles that our series advisors have set up for us. Let's cross over to Club Banger, the purpose-built space that our furious five will call home for the next three months, and hit them with the big questions.
[Cut to nightclub stage constructed in TV studio. The set features a massive LED screen advertising muscle building supplements, lasers, strobes, smoke machines, and dancing girls in cages. None of the DJ equipment is plugged in.]
HOST (in new outfit): Okay guys, how are you feeling?
AMBER: What have I done?
HOST: Great! I can't wait to follow you all on this journey. Okay, so here's your first challenge. You're promoting your first party and the vibe is off the charts. Suddenly, midway through the headline DJ's set, she tells you that there's an audible sub-bass hum coming from the left turntable. What do you do?
[Roll audio of Avicii – Levels (A Cappella).]
ANDY: Tigerlily doesn't play vinyl, so the question is irrelevant.
AUSTIN: Snorkel four quick lines of my exclusive, top shelf marching powder and arrogantly pace the club while sweating profusely.
TIFFANY: Come to our club guys, two-for-one drinks until 12!
AMBER: Sub-bass hum is as important to vinyl as the crackle of needle on wax. Let it roll, or earth the turntable on the mixer if the DJ insists on sonic perfection.
[Meaningful silence as our host stares vacantly at the contestants, who stare vacantly back at her. Roll kick drum outro of Avicii – Levels (Original Mix). Cut to Commercial break.]
[Roll audio of Avicii – Levels (Unreleased VIP Dub). Return to HOST and contestants at Club Banger.]
HOST (now displaying more cleavage than Tiffany): Guys, that was a tough challenge first up, and a really impressive bunch of answers. Our advisors have talked them over, and made a tough decision...
[Meaningful silence as our HOST stares vacantly at the contestants, who stare vacantly back at her. Roll audio of Avicii – Levels (Skrillex Remix).]
HOST (in Wicked Weasel bikini): You're all winners! Fuck the music, let's get loose and generally act like sick cunts!
AMBER: Kill me now.