Live Review: Adele

We swear the very same opportunistic busker who customised his cardboard sign to appeal to Justin Bieber fans last week has set up in the same spot on the bridge leading to Etihad Stadium tonight, but this time he's prepared a sign that reads, "Need lessons so I can sing like Adele".

Adele's in-the-round stage set-up features a 360-degree screen and, as we take our seats, footage displays the singer's closed eyes, with trademark '60s smokey eye, winged eyeliner and multiple sets of false eyelashes. The make-up artist definitely deserves to at least have an Instagram handle displayed on the bottom of the screen — it's exquisite work.

Around 7.45pm, a cheer goes up as the pimped-out road case (which we now know houses Adele) is wheeled down the aisle toward the stage. It takes a couple more songs for Adele to take her position (we're pleased Bowie's Sorrow isn't rudely interrupted on the venue's sound system) and then finally her eyes open on the 360-degree screen, we hear Adele singing Hello and then the screen rises to reveal the diva in a bedazzled, burgundy, floor-length, off-the-shoulder gown — how many Swarovski crystals are sewn into that number? And there are star-shaped sequins among the intricate beading. She aptly spins around, 180 degrees, to face the other side of the stadium before singing, "Hello from the other siiiiiiii-iiiide!"

Adele's band are positioned stage level, but she's elevated on a circular rostra. This must be isolating for the musicians, who are unable to engage with one other, and the drummer bashes away in a completely separate quadrant. Hometown Glory features local footage shot around Melbourne. There's a heavy-duty Beyonce-style fan up there that messes with Adele's strands, and her 'do looks as if it could use some dry shampoo. That voice, though! It's flawless, which can't be said for her enunciation while speaking. Adele would be perfectly cast as Nancy in Oliver!.

Adele tells us her favourite shows are performed on the weekend, adding, "I'm very nervous, by the way. This is actually my last two shows in Australia." A couple hold up a sign that reads, "It's our first anniversary," which sadly Adele doesn't notice. Her banter has us in stitches. Of her show, she says, "It's basically two hours of crying and songs about my ex-boyfriend." Adele then tells us she left a letter taped to one of the nosebleed section seats (also enclosing a photo of her holding the letter to prove it's legit). As the lucky recipient graces the giant screens, madly waving her prize, Adele jokes, "You've got such a shit seat, I felt terrible!" For those among us who came along for a good time, Adele warns, "You're not gonna have too good of a time, because my songs are miserable!" Not so Rumour Has It, which is a highlight and one of our rare dancing ops this evening. Within, "Just 'cause I said it/Don't mean that I meant it," Adele inserts a cheeky aside: "I did!"

I Miss You gives us lumps in throats — hey, we've all been there, right? Adele regularly wanders around, chatting to her audience in between songs, with mug in hand, taking sips of hot water and honey. "I say no to practically everything," she reveals of when she was asked to sing Skyfall. Admitting her voice changed, allowing her to sing in a lower register, while she was preggas, she bemoans, "I got a beard as well!" before adding that said beard was actually blonde and she had to have it lasered off. In trademark self-effacing fashion, Adele says it must have been "a slow year", which is why she won the Grammy for Best Song Written For Visual Media. On her Oscars performance of this same song? "There was literally shit in my spanx." Adele doesn't laugh; she infectiously cackles. A male choir space themselves out evenly around the periphery of the circular stage — all wearing black suits with black shirts underneath and probably sweltering — to elevate this 2012 Bond theme song. "Perth exposed me," Adele shares of how much make-up dripped off her thanks to the West Australian heat. She tries to do a Beyonce booty drop in front of the Beyonce fan and the band kick into Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It).

Adele informs us she's just performed her 108th show before confessing that touring isn't really her thing and she'd rather be at home "eating a Chinese" meal. Ten minutes after her booty drop, Adele admits she's still out of breath from pretending to be Beyonce for a couple of seconds. "The other night in Sydney, I forgot the words and it was weird 'cause it's called Don't You Remember," Adele cackles, before divulging Alison Krauss inspired this song, telling us she's grateful to have had the chance to share this fact with the American bluegrass-country singer-songwriter (even if she had to follow her into the toilets to do so). She then waves and says "hello" to a group of people assembled on the top-level balcony of a neighbouring apartment block. We're all told to raise our smartphone torches for Adele's Bob Dylan cover, Make You Feel My Love (from her first album). A punter yells out, "It's our wedding song!" Adele asks, "How long?"

"One year!" — maybe it's the same couple who held up the sign earlier. Send My Love (To Your New Lover) offers another opportunity to be upstanding and bop. Adele tells us she had to get a smaller "T-shirt gun" because her large-scale model is "illegal" in Melbourne. Her second shot goes nowhere and Adele despairs, "Oh, my god! That was fucking pathetic!" Each of these T-shirts are signed, have $20 attached (so that the recipient can buy a drink) and they're sprayed with Adele's own perfume, she points out. Adele marvels about how she's successfully avoided the Australian paparazzi, admitting Bieber probably copped "the lot of them". After reading a little girl called Sapphire's banner, requesting an opportunity to get up on stage and sing, Adele offers her the stage and hands her the mic. Sapphire sings Hello all the way through, wearing a cat-ear headband. "I'll see you in the charts," Adele praises.

A team of bodyguards in the photography pit follow Adele as she wanders the periphery of the stage during Sweetest Devotion while confetti cannons detonate, single colours raining down separately. Chasing Pavements becomes Set Fire To The Rain, during which there are fireworks and then smoke cannons. Why we need to see a collage of dickheads waving as they recognise themselves on the cyclical screen is beyond comprehension. Kiss Cam is fun, but goes for a little too long and kind of makes us hope for a costume change from Adele. A priceless photo of young Adele dressed in East 17 T-shirt flashes up onscreen plus a tribute to George Michael (is that Adele dressed as the late singer?) with "We miss you George" scrawled on it.

Adele returns (no costume change) and hits all the Rolling In The Deep power notes as white ticker tape featuring Adele's own handwriting rains down on us. She still has a lot to say about the break-up that inspired her stunning 21 album ("I lost my TV and all! I lost my friends..."), but stresses the songwriting process "helped [her] get over being bitchy and witchy". "We're not friends," she concludes, unable to resist pointing out that she's pretty sure he's not doing anything as fabulous as she is.

"I have zero plans of touring after the last 18 months," Adele discloses and why should she? Adele is one of the few recording artists who rakes it in on CD sales alone. She then takes this opportunity to set the inspiration behind Someone Like You straight: the lyrics, "I wish nothing but the best for you," should be taken literally. Punters remain seated, typically only standing up when Adele is within eyeshot. She instructs us to take over her vocals for a chorus and then walks down an aisle as footage of her exit graces the giant screens. Adele waves as she departs, but it's goodbye — instead of Hello — this time.