Live Review: Big Day Out

Our entrance procedure is relatively painless and the drink token queue, non existent. The first thing to catch our eyes are the gross outfits on Bluejuice. Gold Lurex mankinis? Nein danka. "No flaccid stuff-ins as my sister would say," Stav Yiannoukas brings the smut and later also calls the few crowd members they've attracted to Blue Stage, "You pack of cunts!" Moving right along then.

Following the sound of pumping techno, we arrive at a carni ride. What? Inside Boiler Room proper, Peking Duk crack out the ominous gems while instructing that we, "Put our muthafucking hands in the air". Dropping OutKast's Hey Ya! = genius, aural sunshine. The t-shirt scab-grab during Empire Of The Sun's Celebrate is a bit much. Then it gets too full-on for this timeslot when the Fatboy Slim & Riva Starr (ft Staggerinn Joe Hawkins) track Eat, Sleep, Rave, Repeat enters the mix. That's 3am fodder.

A lot of running happens inside the BDO site, maybe it's the 15 year olds. The band on Headspace Stage, Altitude, play a cover of that “Yo-ho Sebastian" song by Cosmo Jarvis (it's seriously called Gay Pirates?) then over on Orange Stage there's another cover: Portugal. The Man taking on Pink Floyd's Another Brick In The Wall. The Naked & Famous follow on Blue Stage and wisely play their hit, the one that sounds like MGMT's Kids ("Take Only What You Neeeeed from it.") They look pretty. Golden tans and one dude who's almost as cute as Flume. Hey, I said almost! They're good but not great, lose the crowd during softer moments and are heavily derivative.

There are lots of failed, home job balayage attempts we hope come out in three washes. Tame Impala's trippy visuals are missed today. There's one not-even-giant screen between the Blue and Orange stages, but if you're down the front this is not in eyeshot. No D-barrier this year is a win since it's possible to wander up last minute and secure prime real estate all day. It's lovely to see the band's former bassist Nick Allbrook watching from sidestage. Tame Impala will always be the masters of snapping back into the hook after a satisfying musical detour. That Half Full Glass Of Wine riff'll get ya every time! Close second is Why Won't You Make Up Your Mind?, although they bungle the riff today. Tame Impala are probably even bigger OS than they are here these days. Oh dear, Kevin Parker can't hit those Feels Like We Only Go Backwards high notes at all.

Let's get the boring weather chat outta the way: Today's forecast has undoubtedly turned some punters' Big Day Outs into Big Night Outs.

In Boiler Room, Owl Eyes helps Rüfüs out on guest vocals. Punters are fidgety on the outskirts, which means the Sydney trio are not overly commanding on this occasion. Grouplove's crowd over on Red Stage also ogle, motionless. There's not much dancing going on yet. That is until their Photograph song strikes and the smell of wet grass rises as a result of dancing feet. The onstage energy could power a medium-sized town such as Ballarat.

Bo Ningen's album recently crossed The Music's desk, just in time to earmark this Japanese band for front row Big Day Out viewing. They execute ninja moves while wielding guitars and pulling conniption faces. Bo Ningen also wear dresses. Utterly captivating.

The ninjas who set up The Hives' stage must be roasting dressed like that. It becomes apparent that the band's wonky brass intro tape is a botched attempt at 2001 A Space Odyssey. Are their safari suits at the dry cleaners? The Hives have opted for their Mariachi stage uniforms again. Howlin' Pelle Almqvist has incorporated a new version of "Ladies and gentlemen": "Cunts and cocks!" Almqvist allows us to contribute Song 2's "Whoo-HOO!" in amongst Hate To Say I Told You So if we're really missing Blur and it sounds sick - mash-up alert! During the band's trademark Tick Tick Boom freeze, Nicholaus Arson's guitar is changed over by a ninja while all band members remain motionless. It is actually true that there's no guarantee we'll experience a better show today than what was presented by The Hives.

With a crew-cut barnet, Liam Gallagher looks even more like a hooligan. It's hard to watch ol' mate deliver Beady Eye's songs with his hands clasped behind his back after what we've just witnessed on the neighbouring stage. They should swap the order of those two bands for the remaining Big Day Outs.

New drink idea learned in toilet queue while Beady Eye play Oasis' Morning Glory: dissolving a hydration satchel IN your adult beverage. Beady Eye cover Gimme Shelter by The Rolling Stones to close. Their version is technically proficient of course, given the quality of the players onstage, but boring for 6pm at a festival.

Arcade Fire's bobble-head imposter dealio just comes off as a false start and surprises no one since they've now commenced their show this way so many times. During the real band's opener, Reflektor, there's someone dancing around onstage with a mirrorball head complete with a pair of ears and it's immediately apparent this production is leftfield. And what a funky tune that is.

Over in Boiler Room, Flume proves consistent: A true superstar worthy of all the accolades. His remix of Major Lazer's Get Free intersperses Amber Coffman's serene vocal section with a banging 5am treatment that Boiler Room are well ready for.

It's a always a thrill to see Snoop Dogg in the flesh: Dude has an extraordinary stage presence. The inclusion of Hypnotize by The Notorious BIG is genius. There's an animated skank flashing her gusset during Drop It Like It's Hot that amuses, but Snoop's antics seem watered down this evening compared to his behaviour during his Palace Theatre sideshow.

We speak to a few people over the course of the day who bought their BDO tickets just for Pearl Jam's two-hour set. One of whom had never attended a festival before. But if Eddie Vedder cut all the waffling banter out, Pearl Jam's set would fit into one hour. Lengthy intros explaining the meanings behind songs may charm during seated theatre gigs, but are a festival no-no. Crowd members kick soft drink bottles around and chat to amuse themselves. Their focus is anywhere but stageward so Vedder clearly has some work to do. There are huge silences between songs as well. Better Man is the set highlight thanks to nuances in Vedder's vocal delivery. And when Vedder thanks the other bands on Big Day Out 2014's line-up he reads them from a list on a piece of paper.

Big Day Out has long been a highlight on our annual festival calendar and also an opportunity for young music fans to experience their first festival aged just 15. Here's hoping the festival presses on for the sake of future festivalheads.