Shit Luck With Birds, Sneaking Into Clubs & More: Thandi Phoenix Plays 'Two Truths & A Lie'

Sooo turns out Thandi Phoenix is a super funny chick.

From speaking five miles a minute to putting on sarcastic little ~voices~ when recounting her stories that can only be portrayed with tildes, the Sydney songwriter shared her avian phobia (so much poop misfortune), name troubles (amen, sister!) and cheeky attempts to go clubbing ahead of her time.

Before she starts, she goes, “It’s funny, doing this made me realise I have the WORST memory. Like, what’s happened in my life?”

Heaps, apparently! Thandi’s Instagram is always flooded with photos and videos from amazing soirées held by the likes of Cartier, Moët & Chandon and designer label Camilla, many of which she’s performed at, and soon she’ll be hitting Spilt Milk Festival with the likes of Childish Gambino, Cub Sport, Kira Puru and The Wombats.

She’s loud, and lovely, and looking forward to huge things this year. Game on, Thandi!

Truth

Thandi: Okay, so I’m like a recovering… bird phobia person? [laughs] I don’t even know how you put that in a proper sentence!

Uppy: [laughs] So you USED to be freakin’ scared and now you’re not so scared?

T: Yeah, like, now I’m not so scared, now I’m not gonna cry. BUT… I will just avoid at all costs and walk away, like the other day I was having a meal – fish and chips! [loudly] HA HA HA! They love them, the suckers. And I was on like a pier, and I saw these birds in the distance and they were all annoying the big one. And I’m sitting there and suddenly this cockatoo – actually this is when I was in… what’s that place called… Hamilton Island! So they had warned me, ‘Keep your doors closed because of the nature’, and there was this cockatoo that all of a sudden jumped from who knows where, I saw its head peering over from the landing above me?

U: HELLOOOOO!

T: Staring at me in the eye! And I looked at it, and the person I was with had literally just walked inside to get a drink, right, so as soon as he leaves, this cockatoo jumps down… and is like, eyeballing me.

U: Ah!

T: And I’m just like… ‘Okay mate, that’s enough from you!’ Then it flies away and six seagulls come, and they JUMP up on the table. And people are around, and I just stood up and walked away because I was like, I’m not dealing with this! I can’t do anything! So that’s where I’m at now… I’ll just walk away and let them eat my chips.

U: Just surrender?

T: I was pushing it by that stage, but before it used to be a full on thing! I think it started… because I always used to get shat on!

U: [pisses herself laughing]

T: HILAROUS! [laughs] Not so funny when you’re getting shat on!

U: [still laughing] That sentence is just so great.

T: Yeaaaah, it was a bad time. It was a long time of my life, like the first time it happened I think I was like, eight or something. At Bar Italia in Leichhardt, and they used to have the beautiful wall with all the leaves and vines, now there’s just a picture of it but it used to be real live greenery. There were always those little mynah birds flying around.

U: Oh yeah, they’re creepy.

T: Yeah, and there were always these birds flying around but it always added to the ~al fresco dining experience~ but THEN I saw this bird shit on someone… and I was like, ‘Mum. We need to go inside, I just saw a bird shit on someone.’

U: [laughing again]

T: She’s like, ‘Don’t be silly, they’re not gonna get you!’ Then I felt a little plop on my head. And I’m like, ‘Mum. MUM. MUM! THERE’S SOMETHING IN MY HAIR!’

U: You called it!

T: You know what I mean? So ever since then, birds always shat on me. Year 7, out in the quadrangle. We’re trying to meet new people and make new friends, I’ve just kind of settled into my friendship group. And a pigeon shits in my hair!

U: Oh my god!

T: And people just go ‘EWWW YUCK!!!’

U: So— god, how many times has this happened?! That’s two…

T: God, so many. And then again when I was walking to school, so three. And then it got SO deep that I used to walk from home to the station, and there used to be pigeons in my area that would sit on the electrical wire, so I used to walk LOOKING UP so a bird couldn’t shit on me. And one time, I SLIPPED in dog shit…

U: [laughing AGAIN] I can’t stop laughing, I’m sorry.

T: [laughing too now] It happened so many times! But the height of my phobia is when — so this is all the stuff that kind of brought it on, right, being shat on. I’d say over five times, I’ve been shat on. And then one time, I think I was in high school, right. I used to live in an apartment block, there were pigeons around. I was walking up my stairs, I get to the top and I kid you not, there’s a pigeon stuck in the place and it was at the front of my door and I just freaked out.

U: Inside the house?

T: Not inside, outside but like, in the stairwell. And I was like, ohhh myyy goshhh. I called my mum and I was like, ‘Mum, MUM, there’s a pigeon, I CAN’T GET INTO THE HOUSE!’

U: Oh my godddd.

T: I full on had a skitz out, she wasn’t home for another couple of hours so I kept trying to walk up, couldn’t do it, I’m bawling my eyes out, stressing out. Come back down going, ‘You can do this, you can do this.’ Until FINALLY, someone came… and like, I lived in Lakemba, people were refugees and stuff. And there’s this STUPID GIRL crying about a freakin’ pigeon. So this lady comes, and I’m like ‘[crying] can you please help me get into the house?’ and she just looks at me, walks up and SCOOPS the pigeon to the side! Soooo yeah. Ever since then, it’s been an up-and-down, side-to-side rollercoaster ride!

U: I can’t believe you’ve had such terrible luck with birds! And shit, mind you.

T: Yeah, literally shit.

U: Okay, so how are you recovering now? How’re you getting past this?

T: Ohhh, I just keep my distance. I don’t cry any more which is good, but I will always — if I see a crazy bird coming, I’m not playin’. I’m out.

U: Do you like tame birds? Like at a zoo or if someone’s got a pet parrot?

T: Mmmmmm, not really. It’s just the fluttering? You know what I mean, I think that’s what it is?

U: Yeahhh, I agree.

T: They don’t know what they’re doing or where they’re going.

U: YEAH, they just flap and flounder around.

T: Yeah! And that just stresses me out. So my friend’s mum, growing up she always used to have birds and she has a bird now and I went over the other day, and… NUP. I’m like, ‘Oh, look at it! Look at it from the cage! So cute, so lovely!’ Then they open it and I’m like, ‘I’M OUT OF HERE.’

U: You’re like, seeee ya.

T: I’m getting better! I’m not 100% cured but getting better.

U: A lot of people have an issue with the fluttering I reckon. It’s so unexpected, you don’t know what they’re doing! They don’t go from A to B in a smooth pattern, they’re just like, ‘I’m gonna just… fuck around near your head for a bit!’

T: I got swooped once before as well! I think it’s because my hair is just like… they feel at home! [laughs] They can nest their eggs in my hair!

U: IMAGINE if they tried to do that! Have you seen that video going around right now of this fucking mutant massive pigeon on someone’s back?

T: …I just feel sick. When I went to LA, at Venice Beach… I know America is the land of Supersize Me but they have some crazy ass seagulls there, they’re NOT the size of regular seagulls. They have these baby miniature ones running around, then they had normal-sized seagulls, then they had these JUMBO seagulls, like pelican-sized seagulls?! I was like ‘OHHHHHH’. I was tripping out.

U: Thank you for sharing that fear! I’m sorry I laughed so hard.

T: That’s alright, it’s like a therapy session!

Truth

T: In my life, all the mispronunciations of my name, pretty much! My proper name, my full birth name is Thandiwe. Like, tahn-dee-way. So it’s ‘way’ but reads ‘we’. So it’s just been a struggle!

U: Story of my life!

T: You knowww what I mean?! Like, Year 7 orientation. ‘Tan-die-we!’ And I’m just like, uuuuugh… cringe. Die in my seat right now. But a funny thing that happened one time is, and I just love hearing the different things people think my name is. When they see the ‘w’, they automatically think, no, that’s not a ‘w’, it’s an ‘n’. So a lot of the time I get Thandine.

U: WHAT?

T: Yeaaah.

U: …How do they think a ‘w’ is an ‘n’?!

T: I dunno! Literally, I’ll go to the doctor and I’m Thandine because someone’s decided it’s not a ‘w’, it’s an ‘n’.

U: That’s the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard!

T: I was an invigilator once.

U: What’s that?

T: An invigilator is pretty much one of those people that stands around in an exam, the people that you hate! To catch you cheating.

U: Ohhh. You WERE one?

T: Yeah! I was one once! Just one of the many jobs I’ve had.

U: What’s it called?

T: An invigilator!

U: Invigilator. Geez, okay.

T: What a name right?

U: Like someone from The Terminator.

T: I know! So anyway I had to do this training course because it’s a pretty full on job, that! [laughs]

U: PEN’S DOWN!

T: CHEATER CHEATER!!!! And the lady decided that my name was Thatiwe? Like, ‘That-away!’ So she was like, ‘Okay Thatiwe!’ And then one time when it kind of went too far was, I joined the gym and I did a class and she was a very excited gym instructor, coming around getting to know everyone. ‘Hey what’s your name!!’ ‘Oh, Thandi’ and she thought I said Thanda, and I just never corrected her because I thought she wouldn’t remember and everrrytime I went back, ‘Hi Thanda! How’re you doing!’ And over the speakers, she’d be like, ‘Oh you’ve got it Thanda! You can do it Thanda!’

U: Oh geez.

T: What do you doooo?

U: Isn’t it just crazy how white people just make up names when they don’t know how to pronounce it?

T: Honestly! And then one time, she found out I was a singer and stuff so she’s like, ‘Oh I’d love to come to your shows, write it down’ and when I wrote it down I made a real effort to pronounce it properly. Like, ‘Oh yeah the ‘h’ is silent’, but no, I still got Thanda.

U: Thanda, rhymes with panda.

T: Yeah, you just never know what you’re gonna get with a name like… that’s not Sally or something!

U: But then, there’s that famous actor… Thandie Newton! Everyone knows how to say her name!

T: Yeah, you’d think so! But the actual proper pronunciation of my name is Tun-di. But you know… bloody ‘Straya! My mum just says Thandi and everyone says Thandi. Yeah, what do you get?

U: So, like, the white way to say it is Up-sana, but the proper Indian way to say it is Oo-pa-sun-a. So it’s spelt Upasana, so people looking at it go, ‘Up-a-sana? You-pa-sana?’ They have no idea.

T: And like you ALWAYS know the pause before, like ‘THAT’S ME!’

U: Yep! Don’t bother, I’m here!

T: Oh my god though, I love your name! Say it again, the proper way.

U: Upasana. But it’s like, uncomfortable to say the proper way now because I say it the other way so much! Like to the bank and professionally.

T: I know! WE’VE BEEN WHITEWASHED!

U: The Sallys of the world will never understand!

Lie

T: You know, as a teen, a rebellious phase, wanting to go out when you’re not of age. And I was a year younger than everyone in my grade, so that was annoying – but I was also the tallest! So for some reason, height equals an older age. So initially we went to Student Flights, I dunno how we pulled this one off and I dunno how the clubs… like, they didn’t really care as much back then as the nanny state we’re in now. But yeah, I went to Student Flights one time and we thought, it’d be a great idea to get an ID that has another age on it. So we’ll go there, get a travel pass or something? And so we go in there, give them our birthday, ‘Oh yeah, 18!’ And we started using that to go out in the Cross or whatever.

U: Oh wow.

T: And then one time, I got let into Hugo’s, we were shitting ourselves because there was the longest line. So the three of us girls are waiting down the bottom, and the bouncer picked us out and goes ‘come up!’ And we were like…

U: Uh oh.

T: [breathes heavily] First of all, don’t stack it!

U: How old were you actually at this stage?

T: I feel like maybe 15 or 16? Around there. So walking up the stairs, we’re thinking, ‘This is gonna be SO effing embarrassing.’ They’re gonna turn us down and we’re gonna have to walk back down. But it was all good! They said ‘Okay, we don’t accept these but next time bring a proper one.’ Okay cool, so it was our mission to get proper IDs then. Do you know Yemisul, the DJ?

U: Yeah!

T: So, I knew Olivia from back in the day. She’s a couple years older than me so she was legal, so I took HER ID, right. So I’m on my high horse, I got my ID, I’m sweeet, whatever, I’m going out! Then one time, we’re walking up to somewhere in the Cross, and there was this African bouncer. I’m like, ‘Oh SHIT, if anyone’s gonna bloody pick it…’ Like, all the other bouncers look and go, ‘Go yeah, brown girl, whatever’. So we walk up, I bring out my ID. He’s looking at it… looking at me… and he’s like, ‘Yeah, look. I know you’re not Olivia.’ And I’m like, ‘Pardon?’ And he’s like, ‘Yeah, I know that’s not you, because I know Olivia.’

U: OH no.

T: And I’m like, ‘Aaaaah darn!’ I was like… ‘Yeah, I know, I know her too, but I just… lost my ID. And I had to come out for my friend’s birthday… and so I just borrowed hers… I’m actually 19…’ I tried to spin my story and go, ‘Let’s get on the phone to her!’ So I call her up. It was just so stupid and he was like, ‘Yeah, nup.’

U: Nice try, NUP.

T: Yeaahhh.

U: It seems to be so common in the States hey? Like EVERYONE has a fake ID there.

T: Yeah, I feel like over there, they just don’t care when it comes to drinking. If they cared, they’d measure out their bloody shots, you know? They’re just like who cares, get drunk, we’ll take your money.

U: Yeah, take your keg, get out of here.

T: So yeah, that’s my story.

U: Again — what bad luck that he happened to know her!

T: I know, it wasn’t even like ‘yeah you don’t look like her’. He was just like, ‘I know that’s not you.’ I’m all, ‘Who? Huh? What? I’m Olivia!’ Such a buzzkill. Now I’ve seen him at other places and he’s remembered my name, and he goes, ‘Hello Thandiwe!’

U: He knows how to shut you down now if you step out of line!

T: Nah but I’m legal now whaaatttt!

U: Did you try to get another fakie after or?

T: Nah, we just hightailed it off to somewhere else! Where the guy didn’t know her.

U: And it was fine?

T: Yeah! It was pumping back then, there were options!

Thandi Phoenix will appear at Sonos House this Wednesday, 11 July as part of Battlehymn: A Song Story, as well as Snow Tunes and Spilt Milk Festival later this year.

If you’re a musician and have some stories to share and some secrets to tell – be it hilarious or heartbreaking, humiliating or honourable – send us an email at twotruthscolumn[at]gmail.com.

We might be telling the whole world about the time you accidentally killed your brother’s pet snake and replaced it without anyone knowing in no time.