Top Ten Tips For Being An Extremely Successful Touring Art Rock Band By The Stiffys

Melbourne art rockers The Stiffys are just looking out for you, man. As an "extremely successful touring art rock band", Jason Leigh and Adam Stagg would like to offer up ten practical tips they've learned from life on the road, including what you should do with your gear, what to do when punters wanna have long chats and what the most important part of touring is — beers. Always beers. 

So put on your monotonous caps-lock yelling voice, buckle in and read on.

1. POSTER WITH CONFIDENCE

PEOPLE HASSLE YOU LESS IF YOU POSTER IN BROAD DAYLIGHT AND ACT LIKE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING IT TOURISTS SEE YOU AS PART OF MELBOURNE’S CULTURAL FABRIC AND LADIES SEE YOU AS A SEXUAL ROCK AND ROLL SYMBOL

WEARING HEADPHONES WILL USUALLY DETER PEOPLE FROM APPROACHING YOU BUT THIS DOESN’T WORK AS WELL IF YOU’RE DRESSED AS AN ASTRONAUT

2. USE LESS PUNCTUATION WHEN BOOKING SUPPORT BANDS

PEOPLE IN THE MUSIC BUSINESS ARE A LOT MORE COMFORTABLE AROUND YOU IF YOU DON’T USE A LOT OF PUNCTUATION IN YOUR EMAILS BECAUSE IT REASSURES THEM THAT YOU’RE VERY BUSY AND ARE LESS LIKELY TO HAVE LEGAL PROTECTION

WE’VE FOUND THAT GETTING RID OF PUNCTUATION AND EVEN LOWER CASE HAS REALLY MADE OUR LIVES A LOT BETTER BECAUSE WE ARE COUPLE OF GO GO GO BOYS

3. WATCH ONE SONG FROM EACH SUPPORT BAND

YOU’LL NEVER HAVE TIME TO WATCH THEIR FULL SET BECAUSE YOU NEED TO WARM UP AND GET ALL THE DRINKS INSIDE YOU BUT ALWAYS FIND TIME TO WATCH AT LEAST ONE SONG FROM EACH BAND THEN PICK A THING YOU REALLY LIKED ABOUT THAT SONG AND MENTION IT LATER WHEN YOU’RE ENJOYING DRINKS AND TELLING EACH OTHER HOW GREAT YOU ARE

IF YOU COMPLETELY MISS THEIR SET BECAUSE YOU ACCIDENTALLY GOT LOCKED IN THE RICS BAR DRINKS FRIDGE THEN JUST TELL THE GUITARIST THEY HAD GREAT TONE

4. OFFER YOUR GEAR TO EVERY BAND IF THEY EVER COME TO MELBOURNE

YOU PRETTY MUCH ALWAYS HAVE TO BORROW GEAR FROM THE OTHER BANDS SO YOU HAVE TO MAKE A BIG DEAL OUT OF OFFERING UP YOUR OWN GEAR IF THEY VISIT MELBOURNE

NINETY PER CENT OF BANDS WILL NOT COME TO MELBOURNE FIVE PER CENT WILL FORGET AND THE FIVE PER CENT OF BANDS THAT ACTUALLY TAKE YOU UP ON IT WILL BE YOUR FRIEND FOR LIFE

5. IT’S OK TO HAVE A LOT OF DRINKS AFTER THE SHOW

PEOPLE ACTUALLY GET DISAPPOINTED IF YOU DON’T IT’S LIKE IF YOU WENT BACKSTAGE AFTER AN AFL MATCH AND THE PLAYERS WEREN’T WEEING ON EACH OTHER IN THE SHOWER YOU’D FEEL A BIT LET DOWN

MAKE SURE YOU FIND EVERY DRINK AND DRINK IT SORT OF LIKE TOM AND JERRY EXCEPT YOU ARE TOM AND JERRY IS THE DRINKS

6. THE RIDER IS ALWAYS NEGOTIABLE

IF YOU SELL OUT A VENUE YOU CAN PRETTY MUCH DRINK AS MUCH AS YOU WANT AS LONG AS YOU KEEP GOING BACK TO THE BAR AND PRETENDING NOT TO REMEMBER YOU’VE BEEN CUT OFF

IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY ADVERTISE YOUR AFTERNOON BEERGARDEN SHOW AS A NIGHT TIME GIG AND THERE ARE ONLY 50 PEOPLE IN THE ROOM WHO HAVE JUST PAID $13 FOR A TICKET WHICH IS PRETTY OUTRAGEOUS FOR ADELAIDE PUNTERS YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF WITH A LOT LESS ROOM TO NEGOTIATE WITH THE VENUE

WE FIND THE MINI BOTTLES OF WHISKEY ARE IDEAL FOR THESE TOUGH TIMES BECAUSE THEY’RE EASY TO SMUGGLE AND QUICK TO DRINK

7. ROCK AND ROLL NAPS

YOU NEED TO DO THEM AND YOU NEED TO SHOWER AFTER THEM

IF YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A PICKLE LET’S SAY FOR ARGUMENT’S SAKE YOU DON’T GO ON STAGE AT WARRNAMBOOL UNTIL 12AM AND HAVE TO BE ON THE ROAD AT 7:30AM TO GET TO ADELAIDE FOR YOUR AFTERNOON SOUNDCHECK AND THERE ISN’T TIME TO NAP YOU WILL FIND WHITE WINE IS THE NEXT BEST THING AFTER SLEEP

WE ALSO FIND MINI BOTTLES OF WHISKEY IDEAL FOR THESE SITUATIONS

8. HAVE A STRATEGY IN PLACE FOR PEOPLE WHO WANT TO HAVE LONG CHATS AFTER THE SHOW

THE STIFFYS LOVE CHATTING WITH EVERYBODY BECAUSE THAT’S ONE OF THE FUNNEST THINGS IN ROCK AND ROLL BUT SOMETIMES PEOPLE WILL WANT TO CHAT WITH YOU FOR 30 MINUTES EVEN THOUGH THERE ARE FOUR PEOPLE WAITING BEHIND THEM WITH A CD AND A TEXTA

THE STIFFYS EMPLOY A TWO-MAN TAG TEAM SYSTEM WHERE ADAM LOOKS AFTER THE LONGER CHATS WITH NORMAL PEOPLE AND I PLOUGH THROUGH EVERYONE ELSE IN SHORT INTENSE BURSTS

IF YOU’RE NOT SURE WHAT TO SAY JUST ASK PEOPLE IF THEY’RE IN A BAND BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS ARE