The 9 Types Of Punter I Met At An '80s Revival Gig

'80s Mania sold out at The Gov in Adelaide on Wednesday night. It's been 30 years since Cutting Crew, Paul Young, Go West and Nik Kershaw were dominating the pop charts, but clearly their hits are still beloved by people from all walks of life. Here are the nine types of punters you'll meet at the 80's Mania concert.

1 - THE BRITISH EXPAT

These folk spent tonight reminiscing with friends from the old country that they rarely see. They remembered buying Duran Duran records at HMV's Oxford Street store and swooning to Paul Young's Top of the Pops appearances. One of them was at Wembley Stadium for Live Aid! As the Gov house lights came up, expats compared notes on the show. "Nik Kershaw sounds exactly like I remember him sounding in Birmingham, '86," one said. "Yes," said another, "But Paul! His vocal range is almost completely shot, isn't it? Poor bastard."

2 - THE OUTER SUBURBS OFFICE WOMAN

She was outside smoking the entire night, sharing office gossip and singing along to the choruses. Heard to exclaim, "This was by far the best Cutting Crew song," when that band opened the night with Everybody Wants to Rule the World by Tears For Fears.

3 - THE FABULOUS YOUNG MAN

This guy is always located front-row centre, camera phone in hand. He took more photos of Nick Van Eade tonight than have been taken of the still-capable Cutting Crew vocalist in the past 30 years. Later, at the merch desk, he enthusiastically purchased the band's new album (from which they bravely played two tracks during their short set.) Openly cried when (I Just) Died In Your Arms reached its climax.

4 - THE SHAMELESS '80s NUT

These unpretentious specimens, usually in their mid-30s to mid-40s, know all the words to even lesser hits like Paul Young's Come Back And Stay. Tonight they could not stop grinning despite the slight disappointment of knowing none of the acts brought its own band. If having hired guns perform behind these faded pop stars is what made seeing them in Adelaide possible, then so be it.

5 - THE RESERVED PROFESSIONAL

Riesling in hand, she reluctantly attended at the behest of co-workers - but enjoyed a dance with her work friends when REM's The One I Love was played. Her critical ear, developed via private violin tuition back in school, told her the five-piece backing band was tight, versatile and talented, if inoffensive and conventional.

6 - ???

Who is this tiny man that looks like a cross between Lawrence Jacoby from Twin Peaks and a guitar-slinging Colonel Sanders? Oh wait, that's just what Nik Kershaw looks like in 2015.

7 - THE 50-SOMETHING COUPLE STILL ACTING 21

Easily recognised by her Ramones tee from Dangerfield and his Hawaiian shirt. This couple whooped enthusiastically, spilled copious drinks, and loudly slurred statements like "fucken great to see a young bloke like you here!" before grooving to Go West's cover of The Eurythmics' Would I Lie To You, and sharing a pretty gross pash during Young's Every Time You Go Away.

8 - THE SLIGHTLY CAMP BRUCE WILLIS DOPPELGANGER

Otherwise known as Peter Cox, vocalist and songwriter with Go West. This man is a technically proficient singer who loves an adoring audience. He can pretty much rest on his laurels - King Of Wishful Thinking might be one of the best songs ever.

9 - THE DEVASTATINGLY IRONIC HIPSTER

These irritants are inescapable, aren't they? Mercifully, there was only present tonight. He knew that Paul Young's opener Love of the Common People is a 1967 folk song first recorded by The Four Preps, and spouted this pretentious quip to the indifference of the punters listed above (for whom he felt a most patronising pity.) He was unsurprised at the decision to have a cover song as the all-star encore finale, and rightly dismayed when that song was Kings of Leon's Sex on Fire. For more observations on this punter, please refer to the author of this article.