The Stiffys Tour Diary: Part One

Thursday, 9 apr — wollongong (getting there)

We started the day by nearly missing our flight. We miss a lot of flights. 

The Beards picked us up in their tour van and we all did great jokes together on the way to Wollongong for our show at the Uni Bar. 

The Beards’ stage tech worked out that my amp was completely blown up and that he’d never seen damage that bad and that it was almost like someone had poured a whole bottle of passion pop in there so we got out of the way while he fixed it. 

We find the best thing to do in these situations is to stay out of the way.

The Beards taught us about this great new drink called a ‘Facey McStubblington’ which is a glass of Jameson’s Whisky topped up with energy drinks and ginger ale. It was really great and filled us with energy.

We played a terrific show and everyone was high-fiving each other, it was great. Two people boogie boarded over the crowd and someone proposed to their girlfriend on stage while The Beards yelled about beards, it was really romantic.

Then someone did a poo in a schooner and the bar manager was not very happy about it. We’re not sure why they did that, it must be a Wollongong thing. 

We kept enjoying drinks until we woke up at 3am at the McDonalds near Sydney airport, which was full of police officers. We respect police officers but to be honest we were slightly disappointed to see them because it stopped us from enjoying any more drinks.

Friday, 10 apr — darwin (getting ready)

It was a pretty rough morning and they refused to serve any drinks on the flight.

We went straight to the Railway Club to get ready.

We were so excited to play Darwin for the first time and add our name to the Railway Club wall beside some other great Australian bands.

The Darwin crowd seemed genuinely confused by us at the start, maybe they don’t really get a lot of art rock bands there, but after the first song they got it and we all had literally the best time together.

The Beards did a really great job and sang a lot about beards and everyone really enjoyed it.

Nathaniel Beard fell off the stage and had to get patched up by their tour manager. Apparently he does that a lot, ever since they started drinking Facey McStubblingtons.

Then we found out that rage was playing our new music video so we all had a celebrate. No one remembers what happened after that. 

Saturday, 11 apr — darwin (things really escalate/crocs)

To be honest Saturday morning was a bit rough and we nearly had to call an ambulance for ourselves because of all the drinks we had the night before.

We thought the best thing to do would be to have a relax in nature.

While she initially did not want to let us on the boat, the tour guide was really great. We pretty much just bobbed around for an hour while she offered bits of meat to the crocodiles armed with nothing but a stick. She said that if the boat tipped over the smartest thing we could do would be to swim away from the life jackets as crocodiles are attracted to bright colours. She explained to us that they didn’t really bother carrying a first aid kit because if a crocodile pulls you in you’re pretty much done.

We’d smuggled a couple of drinks onto the boat so we were feeling much better by this stage and were making some great jokes down the back. The tour guide said that she really regretted letting us on the boat but it was too late by that stage — haha great job, The Stiffys.

We popped into the Humpty Doo Pub to refresh ourselves before heading back to the Railway Club to get ready for the second show.

We had a really great show because there were heaps of ladies dancing up the front. That helps us play better and also makes every man become very interested in dancing.

One woman in the front row yelled at us when Kissy Kissy finished because she said she was just about to orgasm so yeah that’s pretty nice hopefully she was able to do what she needed to do during the next song. 

Everybody did some great guitar solos.

Things got pretty crazy that night because it turns out absolutely everybody in Darwin really enjoys drinks. Someone ripped the toilet door off.

After enjoying a few more drinks ourselves we retired to The Beards accommodation because they had a pool. Nathaniel Beard threw his jocks up on the roof so Adam did as well. Then Nathaniel threw his towel on the roof as well. I would have joined in but I didn’t have a towel or jocks. Apparently the lady that runs the hotel wasn’t too happy about all the jocks on the roof the next day but that’s the music business, am I right? Haha, great jokes guys.