The Five Things You Must Experience At Splendour In The Grass

24 July 2014 | 3:14 pm | Mitch Knox

We've got your weekend covered

With the first campers now arrived at the Splendour In The Grass festival grounds at the North Byron Parklands, veteran man-on-the-ground Mitch Knox has some advice for 2014's debutants, and even old hands who might have missed some hidden delights in years gone by, about what you simply must experience at this year's event.

the music

Duh. Duh. Obviously, the bands on offer at this year's Splendour In The Grass are something worth experiencing. It's why you paid hundreds of dollars to go, isn't it? We're not going to be so arrogant as to presume to tell you which bands and artists to see out of the likes of Interpol, OutKast, Lily Allen, The Presets, Future Islands, Courtney Barnett, DZ Deathrays, Tkay Maidza, Jungle, D. D. Dumbo, Dustin Tebbutt, 360, Illy, Tune-Yards, Vance Joy, Gossling, RUFUS, Sky Ferreira and the remainder of Splendour's impressive roster — you probably sorted your personal timetables out long ago, so there's little point now in acting all tastemaker about what you should see this weekend.

Although, just FYI for no related reason, this is Future Islands. Just pointing them out. Just because.

What we will say, however, and wholeheartedly encourage, is for you — where possible, and not to the detriment of your Splendour experience — to take in some bands you haven't seen before, or don't know anything about at all. It's all well and good to go and stand and yell along to the two Foster The People songs that you've heard on triple j, but it's far more rewarding to come away with a list of new acts to add to your music library once you get back home.

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the tipi forest

The Tipi Forest is Splendour's very own living approximation of a walk-through drug trip, boasting easy chill-out vibes during the day before stripping buck-naked to fuck anything in the moonlight by nightfall.

It gets sweatier the closer you are to the giant tent. (Pic: Mitch Knox)

In a nutshell, if you object to drug-taking at festivals on moral or "not having a K9 unit sniff your crotch before you end up being imprisoned and missing Future Islands" grounds, then there's no better way than a trip through the Tipi Forest to feel like your face is uncontrollably melting off while the world swirls around you in a terrifying, pulsing orgy of lights and perpetually moving bodies, as some guy stares way too intensely at you for just a little too long, all the while chewing a couple of Juicy Fruits they managed to score from a shirtless guy near the vegan soy acrobats' coffee co-op stall.

If you think that example sounds way too specific to be made up, well... you're right. The Tipi Forest. Do it.

Byron Bay Organic Doughnuts

To be honest, all the food at Splendour is generally incredible, and increasingly the festival has been taking pains to make sure its catering is a truly global affair.

From burgers to bratwurst to Hungarian langos and Asian fusion, there’s no real excuse to eat like crap over Splendour’s three days, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid the treats on offer, because holy balls, they are amazing.

Specifically, it should be a condition of entry that you simply cannot pass through the event gates without cramming a Byron Bay Organic Doughnut into your mouth. If you think this seems like little more than a shallow plug, you have obviously never eaten a Byron Bay Organic Doughnut.

Honestly, there is only one problem when it comes to those delicious, fried rings of cinnamon-dusted yeast-ball – and that’s whether to have one (or more) for breakfast or lunch.

The girl's got a point, you know.

the global village

The Global Village, like the Tipi Forest before it, is a hub of cultural activity, and a genuinely delightful, restful break away from the wider, hectic aesthetic that permeates the Splendour calendar. Here, you can take an easy seat at one of the chilled-out coffee stalls, or buy some easy, breezy, happy-lookin' flowy pants, or learn to slackline, hula-hoop, juggle, belly-dance, or just sit back and stare open-mouthed at the acrobatic and dance troupes on display.

Be sober for this. Definitely be sober. (Pic: Mitch Knox)

Also, last year, the Global Village happened to be the one spot in all the grounds that had the strongest, most reliable phone signal for the entirety of the three days, so keep that in mind if you're struggling for reception or can't get your texts out to let your friends know you're alive. Maybe the acrobats will let you use their trampoline for better reach.

Shitting Like Royalty

Look, we get it. This entry seems weird and overly focused on bodily functions. And, OK, maybe you wouldn’t think a block of toilets would be cause for celebration, but then maybe you’ve never dealt with festival toilets before, or the people that use them, because, believe us, Splendour’s brand new sustainable, waterless, composting cans are one of the most exciting things about the event this year.

If only they were self-cleaning, then we'd really be living the dream.

Not only are the new composting pods an environmental boon for Splendour and North Byron Parklands grounds, but it's a boon for punters' backsides, too, especially if you can use them on the first day, before they get destroyed like every other nice thing festivals have ever given us.

bonus entry: personal enjoyment

Above all, enjoy yourselves! Stay safe, stay hydrated, watch your mates, and don't be a douchebag — and you should be set for the best weekend you've had to date all year.