The World's Most Dangerous Pool & A Bizarre Proposal At It's The Ship Day Three
"Lucille's in a wheelchair? Fuckin' hell!"
After greeting a cleaner with, "Good morning!" He smiles and corrects, "Good afternoon." Good point.
Overheard: "Lucille's in a wheelchair? Fuckin' hell!"
There's a barbecue lunch on deck while we wait for The Hoff's DJ set. Comparing notes with a shipmate, it soon becomes apparent that The Naked Guys and Twerk Girl are It's The Ship famous, and both of us witnessed Twerk Girl getting a reverse shoulder ride around the pool on Day One (that's right, kind of like motorboating of the vagina) - It's The Ship is all class.
Captain Hoff appears behind the decks and the Baywatch theme sets the scene: "I'LL BE READY!" He inquires, "Are you as hungover as we are?" The Hoff really is a self-promotion machine. He has a handful of T-shirts to throw out. One lady rushes forward with full drink in hand, pushes someone outta the way and catches The Hoff shirt without spilling a drop. Impressive. It's actually The Hoff doing karaoke rather than a DJ set. "Shit happens, baby!" he says.
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After singing a bit of Jump In My Car The Hoff breaks into Hooked On A Feeling. The Hoff wearing a Hoff T-shirt while singing a Hoff song? Our lives are complete. And just when we think life couldn't be any better, he sings The Proclaimers' I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles), complete with inconsistent dodgy Scottish accent, creatively changing lyrics too, "I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you". Then he bravely wanders through the poolside crowd singing Sweet Caroline while dealing out high-fives. "I love Asia!" The Hoff concludes.
The emcee instructs us to put our hands together for The Hoff, before plugging this evening's Gala Dinner at "7am, I mean, 7pm".
Sexy Sax Man (the dude responsible for the sax hook on Red Foo's New Thang) plays sax in the hot tub surrounded by revellers while a punter on the balcony pours champagne directly from the bottle, aiming for open mouths in the hot tub below. Watermate experiences some technical issues but his inclusion of Bell Biv DeVoe's Poison is just what The Hofftor ordered (too many Hoffisms? We think not).
The squeegee operators who move water around beside these pools have gotta have one of the worst jobs on the ship and the grim expressions on their faces say it all. There's no way we'd swim in that pool for fear of getting pregnant or contracting an STD. Nanna alert, but forget relaxing poolside. Balls and inflatables fly around continuously and your reflexes have gotta be permanently engaged; one moment of shut-eye could cost you a full drink if struck by a flying object.
Twerk Girl does a somersault into the pool after executing some flexi back bends and repeatedly feeling her own breasts. We pause next to Hot Tub Time Machine and appreciate Derrick May's Strings Of Life. One DJ has a GroPro strapped to his cap to record audience reaction. Time to head back to the cabin and get spruced up for our Gala Dinner in the glorious Sound Of Music room.
Some of these trashbags scrub up amazingly well. Once all are seated we're treated to another set by The Hoff that basically echoes his earlier appearance although with a couple of extra inclusions such as Feeling Good, Suspicious Minds, Delilah and This Is The Moment from Jekyll & Hyde. There's a backing vocalist dude on the landing filling out the songs as The Hoff wanders around serenading diners.
A shipmate proposes to his missus and then Sexy Sax Man plays Careless Whisper shirtless and standing in the middle of a dining table. A random sign on the deck claims Sexy Sax Man coproduced this George Michael song, but a quick Google reveals he was born in 1988 (four years after the song's release) - huh?
We suddenly remember our bottle of Grey Goose needs polishing off at Sky Bar so head back out on deck. From here we spy a dinosaur, a little person and a shark dancing happily together to some bangin' choons.
Random alarm sounds at 8am signify we've arrived back in Singapore - brutal! While disembarking we spy Sexy Sax Man and pray that he keeps his instrument stowed away today. Sorry-looking shipmates slump over their luggage around Marina Bay Cruise Centre. As stories are shared and we attempt to fill in zero recollection patches from this 62-hour bender we clock Captain Hoff attempting to hide behind a black baseball cap!
After reluctantly posing for a few last-minute selfies, he hurries Hoff toward the escalator. Today will be rough. It's The Ship! is looser than Ibiza.
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