What To Do When You're Too Old (Or Too Young) To Be At Splendour In The Grass

Now in its 15th year, the annual Splendour In The Grass music & arts camping festival has grown considerably over its lifespan, the yearly shindig now far from its humble origins as a one-day winter filler event to have become the nation's premier multi-day celebration of tunes, tribalism and terror.

Of course, as the festival grows (and grows up), so too do the people passing through its gates each year, and as we lead into this year's iteration of the annual Splendour circus, it's worth sparing a thought for those punters who find themselves in the festival's demographic void, those who are now too old to fall inside the event's heavy triple j-listener bracket — its primary audience — but also still probably too young to willingly subject themselves to a Xavier Rudd performance.

That's not to say that there isn't worthwhile music on offer regardless of your age group — from Blur and Florence & The Machine to Mark Ronson, Death Cab For Cutie and beyond, there really is at least one act for everyone on this year's artist roster — but, if you're among that nebulous, unwanted club of festival-goers aged about 25-34 (give or take), it might be a good plan to get across some of the many non-stage-based options with which you can pass some time this weekend.

throw a campsite party

On paper, this sounds like a pretty stupid idea — why drive all the way to North Byron Parklands if you're not going to leave the campground? — but, executed right, spending a bit of quality time back at your tent throughout the course of the festival is actually a godsend.

Camping festivals are a marathon. You have to pace yourself to make it to the finish line, lest you find yourself doubled over a pool of your own vomit before 2pm on Day One, and mini-breaks and spots of revelry within collapsing distance of your sleeping bag are a good way to recharge away from the main crush inside the grounds. If there's a decent break in your day's schedule, absolutely capitalise on it — go and seek shade, slow down, have a quick kip, put on a sausage sizzle, stock up on warm clothes for the onset of evening's chill, bond with the strangers next to you… whatever you do, it's just a good idea to take some time away from the free-flowing alcohol and en masse debauchery inside the grounds at some stage during the event, if only to remind yourself that you're still a human being.

the splendour forum

One of the upsides of falling outside the upper end of the 'youth' demographic at Splendour is that, by default, you start to land inside the group of people who think that perhaps a better way to spend one's three-day music-festival sojourn is by sitting in a tent and engaging in weighty discussion of variably esoteric, provocative, intellectual topics with a room full of know-it-alls. There's a tonne on offer this year to massage your grey matter too, including panels, debates, interviews, sermons, scientific discussion and even Tony Jones because, once you're staring down the barrel at, or just past, the big 3-0, it's apparently impossible to live without Q&A for three days or something.

little splendour

Somewhere along the line, it was agreed — we have no idea by whom — that camping festivals are a pretty rad place to bring your entire family. It's been a slow change to take root, as yesterday's teenage anarchists became today's fretful parents, and, rather than dispel the myth by pointing at all the belligerent drunks getting about the place, Splendour In The Grass has jumped right aboard the family-friendly bandwagon through its Little Splendour facility, which gives the whole clan a special, safe spot to engage in some all-ages festival goodness. 

To that end, Splendour has truly pulled out the stops, ensuring there is a family camping area this year, as well as an on-site cafe inside the 'Kidz Field', a parent/baby-friendly tipi area (distinct, mercifully, from the sensory assault of the Tipi Forest), a designated play area replete with sandpit, music garden, jumping castle and story-time tipi, and the art-and-craft-specific Artie Fartie Partie. If your little'uns are not-so-little'uns, the festival is also providing a 'Big Kidz Zone', featuring sports, games, another jumping castle and oversize board games. That oughta keep them happy.

splendour comedy club

If you're after a joke but you're just not interested in watching Alt-J, the Splendour Comedy Club might be right up your alley. Just like the Forum, only intentionally funny, the annual SCC is an oasis of mental/emotional nutrition that sees a bunch of actual comedians such as Celia Pacquola, Susie Youssef, Greg Larsen, Genevieve Fricker, Jonathan Schuster and Cameron James, as well as like half of triple j's daytime staff for some reason plus presumed pity-hire Matt Okine all lining up to spin some yarns and make you laugh in relative comfort, every evening of the festival. 

It's also a good idea to attend the Comedy Club just to get any excess mirth out of your system before attempting to navigate the campground to your tent at night, when an innocent, errant giggle or snicker in the wrong direction could be the worst thing you do all weekend, especially if you're approaching or at an age where both the people who are 10 years younger than you and those who are 10 years older than you are now equally terrifying physical opponents.

treat yo'self

Just because you're in the middle of the wilderness for several days doesn't mean you shouldn't feel your best, so screw the haters and just go and get your hair done and have a goddamn facial.

That's not a euphemism, by the way — amid the capitalistic delights of the Very Small Mall, you can have your hair washed and styled at the Rogue Beauty Hair Parlour, and ignore the naysayers who claim it will just get ruined within the weekend by Mother Nature and/or that asshole who keeps deliberately splashing people with mud, because you will look fucking glorious and not like you just crawled out from living under someone's floorboards for the past three weeks. 

Then, to complete the head-area cleanliness routine, jet across to the Biore Charcoal Spa to enjoy a free 15-minute facial, so you can open up those pores nice and wide so they're ready to fill up with all the nasty shit floating around the atmosphere at Splendour, like Matt Okine's jokes.

For more information about Splendour In The Grass 2015, see our dedicated event page under the Festivals tab.

Check the Splendour website for more.