Five Challenges We'd Like To See On Simon Cowell's 'Ultimate DJ' Talent Show

Last week, international talent-show kingpin Simon Cowell announced that he would be extending his reach into the elite world of electronic music with new proposition Ultimate DJ, a kind of Idol series for the club set.

Presumably intended to plug the TV-land hole currently haemorrhaging singing competitions (so long, American Idol), Ultimate DJ is destined to start airing abroad next year, with Cowell's business partner, Patrick Moxey, explaining that the show will "give a massive global platform for new and emerging artists" as it asserts itself as "the next step in the evolution of this phenomenon" — but people also said that about DJ Hero in the context of rhythm-based video games, and we all remember how that turned out.

That said, there's a considerable lead-in time before we'll be seeing any DJs scratching their way to the top of the reality TV food chain (whatever's left of it, anyway) so, to give our would-be electro-idols the best chance at rising to the top of the pack, we've developed some strategies to help Cowell's latest creative aneurysm assert itself as a winning prospect.

my mixing rules

It may seem like we just stole another genre of reality show and mashed it up with DJing but (a) isn't that the driving philosophy of EDM? and (b) a real-life decksmith called DJ Chef actually already developed this as a pliable shtick for a working electronic musician.

Mostly, the appeal of this challenge lies in the prospect for total disaster to be inflicted upon the contestants. That maybe sounds mean, but there is absolutely no conceivable other need or reason for someone to be cooking a meal right next to thousands of dollars' worth of audio equipment other than for the potential to see some utterly spectacular flames or, failing that, at least get a decent stir fry out of it if they make it through without incident.

request roulette

Anyone who's ever spent five minutes as a DJ - literally anywhere from your cousin's wedding to student night at The Local Dive - knows the pain of being bombarded by an endless stream of increasingly drunk club-goers all demanding to hear that song, their jam, right the hell now, regardless of whether you've already played it or even have it on you.

Truth be told, the ability to seamlessly handle drunk, demanding toddlers - often kowtowing to their demands because it's easier than taking someone's beer in the face - is a harder one to master than anything involving the other kind of knob, so we'd much rather see the Ultimate DJ participants be put through their request-deflecting paces than having to show off their expertise at crossfading or whatever.

power struggle

Remember that scene in Wayne's World 2 where insane roadie Del Preston is training the Waynestock volunteers to become agile, quick-responding stage-hands who are able to dodge projectiles while racing on and off the stage to fix a fallen mic stand? Of course you do; that movie is awesome.

Either way though, having a speedy response time in an emergency isn't just useful for fictional mega-concerts - it can come in handy for DJs when the power inevitably gets yanked out from their equipment mid-set, either at the hands of a drunken punter, hateful punter, or the actual performer themselves.

It's a thing that happens, probably more regularly than you'd think, and it would be entertaining as hell to see a bunch of aspiring DJs having to think fast to restore power to their gear against a penalty clock, just to see them sweat for a non-ecstasy-related reason for a change.

subgenre jeopardy!

If you've ever asked questions like, "What is breakbeat?" or "What is complextro?" or "What is a DJ's actual job description?", then Subgenre Jeopardy! is here for you.

Designed to take the laboriousness out of delving into the electronic-music world, contestants will be provided with descriptions of only nominally different subgenres and have to provide the style's name in the form of a question, right before everyone in the audience is asked to pelt them with golf balls for being such incorrigible pedants.

on-stage dj hero tournament

To be fair, that's basically what we're doing here in the first place, so this only seems fitting. Plus, Tiesto himself once admitted (or was contractually obligated to do so) that he often plays the game before going on stage, and even said that playing DJ Hero is "exactly" the same as what real DJs do anyway.

If you ask us, it's sounding less like an optional peripheral and more like an essential step in learning how to fool the world into paying you to DJ, so don't be surprised if, out of all of our projected challenges, this is the one to make the final cut. We'd be totally fine with that.