Behind The Scenes On Dancing With The Stars: Wedgies To Whoopsadaisy

The saucy Dancing With The Stars: ABSolutely ads featuring a handful of this year's male contestants modelling open shirts and come hither stares are nothing new. And there's the usual swag of, "Who's that?" 'celebs' with unfamiliar names (we're looking at you Lynne McGranger - oh, hang on! That's Irene from Home And Away!) Plus a coupla 'fame by association' inclusions (Kirk Pengilly's model daughter who is now apparently an actor; a cricketer's wife who's also a slashie: model, interior designer, presenter). Elite sportspersons? Tick. Home And Away hunk? Yep (not Irene, ‘river boy’ Andy Barrett). One more model. An Idol reject pop starlet. And then there's Mark Holden.

We're given a wardrobe brief: NO STILLETTOS since they have just put down an expensive new dancefloor, which probably means a last-minute footwear change for long-time judge Todd McKenney.

But, what we're REALLY gagging to find out tonight is whether carnations will be involved in Mark Holden's debut performance. As we're ushered through the backstage area, we see Colonel Sanders – no, that's Mark Holden (aka the artist formerly known as The Carnation Kid) wearing a white suit! He stands still while a red carnation is inserted into his lapel. Touchdown! There will be carnations.

As we wait to be seated in our allocated sections, ABBA's Honey Honey gets an airing over the sound system and an audience member behind us asks her mum, "Did you make a request?" We are eventually seated upstairs in the Tango section, which presents much accidental 'downskirting' throughout the evening as female dancers are tipped and swung (Ashley Hart has a bit of a wedgie). From this vantage point we also spy Kirk Pengilly. Do we have time to go over and tell him off for saying that the late, great Michael Hutchence (RIP) told Pengilly he wanted to break it off with Paula Yates just days before his untimely death during that Channel 7 Sunday Night INXS special? Enter The Warm Up Guy, Dave Eastgate. Dang!

 

The judges are ushered in and McKenney blows (his nose). Then some misfiring smoke canons detonate behind tonight's guest artist Nathaniel, undoubtedly making him thankfully he’s not wearing white slacks. The unofficial Dancing With The Stars theme song Live Louder (the one accompanying the show’s flash mob-style ad) is catchy as "na-na-na-na-na-na" hell, especially after we hear Nathaniel performing it as the opening number. And it requires three takes.

It's instant karma for host Daniel McPherson, who teases second contestant Eamon Sullivan for being nervous and then goes on to stutter during the Olympic swimmer's intro. Sullivan then delivers one of the episode's best jokes: "not Eamon, dancin'!" – had to be there? Ohhh-kaaaay!

Dancing With The Stars' resident cougar tamer/dancer Carmelo Pizzino, whose previous dance partners on the show include Noeline Brown and Kerry-Anne Kennelly, unsurprisingly lands Irene this season. Irene (We'll never get used to calling her Lynne McGranger) admits she's scared she'll fall "head over turkey" and then Pizzino's head spends a lot of time in her "turkey" throughout their routine. And none of the judges mention her hair getting stuck all over her face for ages at the beginning of their dance.

The Warm Up Guy drops a doozy in the ad break: "I did another show that we don't talk about anymore. Everybody Dance Now."

 

NRL player Matt Cooper has lady legs in his Cuban heels and, obviously distracted by his ripped physique, judge Helen Richey dubiously commends, "And you danced with Masha". Fellow judge Kym Johnson is less subtle, using the show as a dating platform yet again (remember back in Season 1, when Johnson shacked up with her designated dance partner Tom Williams? The pair going on to collect the shiny disco ball trophy that year?). Well, Johnson is now pulling from her judge's seat, admiring Cooper's "guns AND ammunition" and scoring him an overly generous 8/10.

 

Mark Holden, who tells that his appearance on this show is his personal "adventure before dementia" doesn't disappoint in the trainwreck stakes. The former Australian Idol judge even uttering a few mid-routine "whoopsadaisy"s! And secret herbs and spices/red carnation petals rain from the ceiling at the conclusion of his performance. Just why Red Symons needed to make an appearance to 'revive' The Carnation Pensioner after experiencing what Symons labels “massive trauma to the self-esteem and dignity” we'll never know.

We gaze down at the top of McPherson's barnet from the Tango section to suss whether or not he's had plugs put in over the course of the show's year-long break. The jury is out.

 

The Warm Up Guy wins again, uttering "hashtag-awks" during the ad break after McKenney grilled Torah Bright's dance partner and newcomer to the show, Robbie Kmetoni (winner of So You Think You Can Dance Australia Season 3). McKenney poises the question: So You Think You Can Choreograph?

 

Has McKenney moved on from the fact that Tina Arena was pipped at the post last season, coming runner-up to magic man Cosentino? He points out that favourite Ricki-Lee Coulter – who should be christened Thumper on the show, given her extreme lack of articulation through the feet and clomping hooves that threaten to bust through the brand new dancefloor – May suffer a similar fate to Arena if people assume she's good so will automatically score viewer votes. (Coulter is far from the best dancer on the show.) A little girl behind us is heard asking mummy, "Who's Tina Arena?"