Steel Panther: Unleashed & Uncut - Part 2 [NSFW]

3 April 2014 | 4:07 pm | Bryget Chrisfield

The second part of our face off with Steel Panther.

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When we left our writer Bryget Chrisfield and glam-rock titans Steel Panther, they'd just had a fairly racy exchange. Catch up by reading part one here

[Some gentlemen in suits appear and peer through into the room looking very interested]

-I think they might have seen some security footage of what's happening and they've come to…

LF: What's that? I'm sorry?

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S: What's that?

-Those gentlemen in suits, I think they might have seen some footage of the breast fondling.

LF: They're prudes. Oh, I don't think they saw any of that, but if they did…

S: Wait, is that a camera there, is it?

-Maybe.

S: That's horrible.

LF: No, we could just tell them that we're all boyfriend and girlfriend, or that we're all married, they can't arrest you for doing that if you're a married couple…

-What country do you think has the biggest sluts?

S: Ooh, I'm hoping Australia.

-Haha, do ya reckon? I think England.

S: Do you think so?

-Yeah, I think so.

S: Why?

-Slappers.

S: Slappers?

-They call them slappers over there.

LF: Slappers?

-Yeah.

S: Why is that? Because you're fuckin' 'em in the ass and slapping them? Haha. Like, WHACK! Shut your damn mouth!

LF: Yeah, like that? Well at least they're not punchers.

S: You're just speculating though, aren't you?

-No, I spent a bit of time living in England. They always were called slappers and not sluts in England. In America? Slut? Skank?

S: Yeah, skank, ho…

LF: Ho, hooker, yeah.

S: Scallywag.

LF: Mmm-hmm.

-SCALLYwag! That one's a bit schoolyard.

S: Hahaha, I'm just making shit up off the top of my head. I call girls a lotta names that you probably wouldn't understand, but I'm bitter and old so it happens. You get to a certain point and it's just, AAAAaaah! Sometimes you just make up names for fun.

LF: Yeah.

S: Yeah, I've got a lotta names goin' on.

-Mix it up a bit.

S: Yeah.

LF: It's always meaner if it's never been used before, you know? 

S: Uh-huh, if you call a girl a name that she's never heard [before] then she has to think about it.

-She could try to Google it on the spot: Urban Dictionary it.

S: Urban Dictionary it, which is like, yeah! I actually wrote a lot of entries on Urban Dictionary.

-Yeah, anyone can, can't they?

S: Anyone can, but mine are real, that's the thing. A lot of people put shit on there and it's like, 'What the fuck is that?'

-[To Lexxi] Do you have a favourite lip gloss at the moment?

LF: Mmm, at the moment – yes I do and I'll let you know which one it is and I'll tell you why it's my favourite too. [Reaches inside his makeup bag and rustles around]. Because…

S: 'Cause it tastes like dick.

-Hahahahaha, what?

S: I'm just kidding, Lexxi, that was a mean thing to say.

LF: In an interview, especially.

S: You know what? You're right.

LF: In front of a girl that I just grabbed her boobs, dude.

S: I know, I know, that's fuckin'… 

-What? No one else has let you [feel their breasts] today?

S: Well, nobody said 'yes', we just did it. 

LF: Yeah, we just do it. So that's when you can get in trouble. [Back to the lip gloss] See this one's badass because what you can do is – my favourite, it's called 'Lighten Up'. Lighten up, girl! And it's, like, badass [demonstrates putting some on].

-Does the mirror on the side light up as well?

LF: Yes it does, because when we play it's in the dark.

-Far out!

LF: And then it has a mirror here in case I lose this one [pats his oversized, portable vanity mirror].

-That would not happen very often, surely. 

S: There's a little light on there, you can see your lips.

-That's amazing!

LF: Hmm-hmm, thank you.

S: Well, it's not that fuckin' amazing. I mean it's cool. Amazing, though? Really? Is that the right adjective for that?

-Yep

LF: I think it's amazing. I think it's very amazing.

-I need to ask you some questions.

S: Are you having fun?

-I'm having an absolute blast.

S Are you still thinking about our hands on your breasts?

-I'll be thinking about that for a very long time. So do you have any musical heroes or are you your own musical heroes?

S: Absolutely.

LF: Mmm-hmm, Ted Poley. Do you know who Ted Poley is?

-I don't.  

LF: He's the singer of Danger Danger.

S: He's the lead singer of Danger Danger. He's fuckin' awesome – great front guy.

LF: Great front guy.

S: Great songwriter.

LF: He can sing just as high on his knees as he does standing up and, if you know anything about music, which you probably should if you're gonna start your label: when you stand up, your diaphragm – and I even know this…

S: He's not talking about the diaphragm that you put in your vagina.

-Are you sure?

LF: No, I think there's one that's up here [gestures to his chest region], and what I heard Michael [Starr, Steel Panther frontman] say is that when you stand up you can really breathe better. Like, Ted Poley from Danger Danger can do moves and flips and still sing on his knees and hit the high notes in Naughty Naughty.

-That's amazing. So is every song title double, like the band's name?

LF: That's a great idea! You should do it, when you start your own label.

S: I dunno, well [Danger Danger] have two songs that have two words that do doubles.

LF: Yes they do. Bang Bang

S: Bang Bang is one other one of their songs.

LF: If it's bitchin'.

S: Naughty Naughty.

LF: And they're called Danger Danger.

S: They have another song, Fuck Me Fuck Me, right? Isn't that one one?

LF: No it's not, Satchel. You're making fun of my favourite band. You're doin' that on purpose right now, in front of her.

S: Listen, I'm not making fun of your favourite band.

LF: You're tryina go 'Fuck Fuck' and tryina make it like they're stoopid.  

S: Why don't they have a song called Fuck Me Fuck Me? You don't think that's a cool title?

LF: I think it's a great idea.

S: So do I.

LF: But they didn't do it. Maybe we could do something like that?

S: Maybe we should do that.

LF: No, Danger Danger already did that. Did that.

-Hahaha

S: When? When?

LF: He got me. He got me.

-Never never?

S: Yep, yep.

-You're switched on, aren't you?

S: You havin' fun?

-I'm havin' a great time.

LF: What? What? So that's my answer. Satchel, whadda you think? What's your…

-Who's your idol?

S: Hah, there's so many of them. There are so many of 'em. I'm gonna say this though, 'cause we're in Australia, I'll say some of my fuckin' favourite bands of all time: AC/DC is one of my favourite bands of all time.

-They take some beating.

S: The older I get, and I'm pretty fuckin' old…

LF: You're gonna say Great White, right?

S: No, I was gonna talk about AC/DC.

LF: Oh, I thought you said, 'Great,' and I was gonna finish it for you 'cause – I'm sorry, go on.

S: AC/DC sounds even better than they did when – they just keep sounding better: their records are fuckin' great, their playing's great their fuckin' singing, the songs, Angus is great. Malcolm Young is the most underrated guitar player – rock! 'Cause nobody ever talks about Malcolm, 'cause he just fuckin' rocks, but he's a riff king. He's awesome. He's insane! Well, Angus is, yeah, Angus is fuckin' insane, but they're fuckin' great. Um, but, you know, I mean, I grew up with a lot of fuckin' heroes: Eddie Van Halen was awesome, you know, ah, Jimmy Page…

-Didn't he have finger surgery?

S: I like Blue Oyster Cult. Have you heard Blue Oyster Cult? Never heard of those guys? Oh, dude! They have the best moustaches. And great moustaches, great songs. Do you remember that song Godzilla?

-Can you do the riff?

S: You ever hear that song, um, (Don't Fear) The Reaper? You never heard (Don't Fear) The Reaper?

-No, can you do it?

S: Do you got a guitar in here?

-No, can you just sing the…

S: Godzilla? [He belts out the riff while Lexxi beatboxes]

-Sounds immense.

S: It's fuckin' HUGE, except it's even better with a guitar and a bass. Ah, you haven't heard (Don't Fear) The Reaper by Blue Oyster Cult?

-I'll Google it as soon as I get out of here.

S: They're a great band. What are they called? There's a lotta bands out there that have influenced me.

LF: How about Tora Tora?

S: Tora Tora by Danger Danger?

-Hahaha

LF: No, it's another band from around the same time.

S: Oh, it's a band. I thought it was another song by Danger Danger.

LF: Nope, it's a band called Tora Tora. They do, um, Walkin Shoes – there's another great song, Google that too. Um, how about – there's so many other bands.

S: Black Sabbath I love. Iron Maiden. I love Iron Maiden.

-What about favourite riffs that just blow your head off?

S: Fuck, favourite, oh fuck – I think Number Of The Beast is a great one. Almost every Black Sabbath fuckin' song…

LF: Nothing like The Final Countdown, have you ever heard of The Final Countdown by Europe?

-Sure have.

S: The Final Countdown is fuckin' great.

LF: Still played in arenas everywhere.

-I kind of like those carnival-esque ones, like Sweet Child 'O Mine.

S: Yeah, that's a good one. Although I've heard it so much, like, if it's on my record player I'll just switch it to the next fucking song – just 'cause you hear it all the time. Sometimes, you know, it's like Stairway To Heaven, like, you've gotta be in the right mood to hear it and go and appreciate it 'cause it's been played on the radio so many times. 

-Or have the right amount of beers.

S: Or just put your hand on some woman's breast, and sit there, and then you don't give a shit what's on 'cause you're just fuckin' feelin' tits.

LF: Mmm-hmm, you're using a different sense. You're not using your ear. 

-Yeah, see I feel like sometimes when one sense is flooded it is impossible to use the other ones.

S: Yeah.

-If you look at someone really beautiful, you almost feel a bit deaf.

LF: It's totally impossible.

S: Like, if a girl's touching my penis with her mouth, it's very hard for me to do basic math.

LF: Yeah, I know what you're talking about. I can't eat when that's happening. 

-Hahaha, oh yeah? And you've tried?

S: Have you ever tried? Have you ever tried eatin' a bowl of soup while some girl's sucking your dick? 

LF: No.

S: It's almost impossible. 'Cause it spills and you're like, 'Fuck!'

LF: Even with a big spoon?

S: Even with a big spoon.

-Hahaha, maybe with a straw it might be possible, but…

S: Yeah, yeah, but, I mean, well when we use a straw it's for other things.

-Maybe when you're a grandpa.

S: I already am a grandpa. I just don't know any of my kids.

LF: I'm not gonna be a grandpa, I'm gonna be dead. I don't wanna be a grandpa. I don't wanna be that old, wrinkly…

-Yeah, leave a beautiful corpse.

LF: I'm sorry?

-You need to leave a beautiful corpse.

S: Yeah, right, you know? That's why we do as many drugs as we can.

LF: Drugs and botox. That's another album we should…

S: That's a good album title!

-That's a really good one.

S: Yeah, that's by Killer Pussy.

-Do you have to abstain from drugs before and after botox? 

S: You should explain to him what 'abstain' means. He doesn't know that word.

-Have you never come across that word?

LF: Don't even know what you – I know drugs!

-Haha, not abstain though.

S: Haha, no what does that mean?

-To not have it. 

S: Oh, to not have it.

LF: It means you can eat a lot, right?

-Haha, it means you can eat a lot. Oh, isn't that appetite?

S: Like, you've got an 'abstain' on your jacket.

LF: Where? [Looks down]

S: You've got an 'abstain' on there.

LF: No, that's supposed to be like that. I know what you're talking about.

S: That's just – we had a different girl who let us touch her breasts and she didn't yell at me when I tried to touch her pussy, okay? She was like, 'Cool. Go for it!'

-I see. Well I know for next time.

S: Like, that's what happens: there's always a little bit of mess. You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, you know?

LF: 'Cause the shells.

-Yep

S: I don't even know what that means.

-Either do I, was it a metaphor?

S: You can write that down. What's a metaphor?

LF: No, that's not a metaphor.

S: It was a 'hammerfor'.

LF: What? No.

-Haha.

S: Ask me.

LF: What?

S: It's a hammerfor.

LF: To put in nails.

S: Yeah, what's a hammerfor? To hammer in nails. That's a good one. Have you heard that one before?

-A hammerfor.

S: A hammerfor?

-I haven't used in conjunction with describing… 

LF: Oh, a hammer could also be if you're married, for your wife sometimes when she's sleeping.

S: Haha, what the fuck are you talking about?

LF: So you don't have to…

S: So you can wake her up, you mean.

LF: Yes, if you like.

S: Pound some nails in.

-Wake her up or silence her forever.

S: Whoa! Hey, I didn't say that.

LF: The second one, the second one.

S: Hahaha, my god.

LF: The second one, that's what I was talkin' about.

S: Hey, remind me not to go out with you twice, alright? We'll have sex. It'll be a one night stand and everything. Is your battery working? 'Cause [during] the last time it ran out halfway through the fuckin' interview.

-Oh really?

S: Yeah.

-Do you think that was just an excuse because they wanted more time? Haven't you had that one before?

S: That's the girl who made the mess on the table. [Gestures toward smeared white powder on the table top.]

-Yeah, I'm worried about that.

S: Don't worry about it, it's gonna be fun.

-I'm sure it will be.

S: Hahaha, oh yeah.

-[To publicist] Do you need these guys?

[Laughter all 'round. Publicist advises we can have a few more minutes.] 

- I was just wondering what your bedrooms look like.

LF: You know, I don't even have to…

S: The hotel room up there? No, bedrooms.

-No, for real.

S: Real bedroom. Oh, I can show you if you wanna fly to the United States. I live in a really, really nice neighbourhood. It's called Inglewood and you can get real cheap housing there funded by the government and it's fuckin' great.

LF: I live right by him in a place called Watts.

S: And there's really good fast-food restaurants around there and, um, you just have to be careful going out.

-Walking around at night?

S: Yeah, you have to be careful walking around that neighbourhood if you're white, 'cause you can get a cap in your ass. Quick.

-Someone'll bust a cap in your ass?

LF: I live right by him in a town called Watts and it's the same where I live but you can get a good burger. 

S: You can get a killer burger.

LF: And liquor any time, huh?

S: Liquor 24/7.  

-Do they have drive-thru liquor stores like we have here? Bottle shops?

S You know what? You know what my old saying is? Lick it in the front, poke 'er in the rear.

-Hahahaha.

S: Do you like that one?

-Yeah, I love it.

S: I bet you do. You do, huh?

LF: You can write that down.

S: I've got a million of 'em, I've been around for a while.

-Yep. I've got a lot to write down.

S: I've read a lot of bumper stinkers.

-Hahaha, what?

S: Bumper stinkers. Those are like bumper stickers but they smell.

-Scratch and sniff?

LF: You just have to get an AINS test out here, so your muffler isn't a stinker.

S: A WHAT!?

LF: An AINS test.

S: What the fuck is that? He doesn't even have a driver's licence so he wouldn't know. 

-Wow, I don't know what that is. An AINS test.

S: [To Lexxi] Dude, I come from the same country you do and I don't even know what that is.

LF: They don't happen anymore.

Steel Panther's new album All You Can Eat is out now. It looks like it will debut quite nicely on the ARIA charts.