Steel Panther: Unleashed & Uncut [VERY NSFW]

Our very own Bryget Chrisfield enters the cage with Steel Panther - it doesn't take long before she has them eating out of her hand.

LEXXI FOXX (bass): Hi, Bryget

SATCHEL (guitar): How's it goin', Bryget?

-How'd you go last night [Sunday 8 December, Myer Music Bowl]? Did you kill it?

S: Are you kidding me?

LF: Were you there?

-I was not there. You're gonna hate me but I went to see Alicia Keys and John Legend.

S: You know what? That's the biggest mistake you've made this week.

-It's probably the biggest mistake I've made in my life.

LF: Yeah, it's a big deal.

S: Probably. I didn't wanna say anything, but…

-I went to your show at Festival Hall last year, though.

S: Did you have fun there?

-I loved it

S: It was like that except fucking maybe even 100 times better.

-Do you think that the rain came to try to cool people off because they were getting too hot?

S: You know what? Um, as far as I know governments haven't learned how to control the weather.

-Rock bands have, though.

S: Well, rock bands haven't – except for Muse. Muse can do that. But see the thing is we're not Muse, 'cause we get way more pussy than those guys. So, you know, those guys don't get as much pussy as we do so they learn how to do things like that, 'Oh well, maybe we could make it rain…'

LF: To try and impress the chicks.

-Exactly, yeah.

S: That's what they do with their spare time. Like, we barely have enough time to finish fuckin' writing songs for the next record, and the only reason we do that really is so we can get more pussy.

LF: Mmm-hmm.

S: But I mean like Muse, those guys…

-I think they'd just be noodling around with their instruments so much that there wouldn't be a spare second in the day to even think about pussy.

S: Nah, they're just fuckin' around with, like, laser beams or light show and shit and, you know – but, I mean, if you looked like Muse you'd be like, you wouldn't – you don't need to worry about getting too much pussy.

-I did go see them on Friday night

S: Did you really? Muse? Did they play here?

-They did, yeah. You're probably chasing them around the country and Bon Jovi's in town as well.

LF: Bon Jovi's staying here.

-Oh really?

LF: Yep. That's how metal this hotel is.

S: Did you ever have sex with anyone in Bon Jovi? Yep?

-No, I'm pleased to say.

S: Hahaha, did they have a non-disclosure policy? Did they make you sign somethin'?

-Um, yeah, well they didn't. But I wouldn't admit to it anyway.

LF: Yeah, yeah.

S: Not at this point, right? But would you admit to having sex with Steel Panther? That's cool.

-I would say that I did even if I didn't.

S: [Raises his hand for a high-five] Fuck yeah!  

LF: That's good cred.

S: And you can! Hahahaha, I'm putting out an open invitation to have sex with the band right now so you can totally do it.

-I would love that.

S: Sweet! Well, we can do it

-But you probably have a tight schedule; you've got some things to do.

S: We'll fit it in there

LF: Exactly.

S: In more ways than one.

LF: Yeah, a bunch of ways.

-I was wondering if you particularly enjoy touring here because of the wordplay possibilities of 'Down Under'?

S: Oh, you know what?

-It never gets old, does it?

S: It doesn't get old, because it's so much fun to go Down Under, in so many ways.

LF: It still makes me laugh.

S: See what I mean? It's funny, it really is funny. I mean, I've often thought about, you know, just [how] I wish I could stay Down Under as long as I can every time I go, do you know what I'm sayin'? Sometimes, though, my tongue starts to hurt so I've gotta cruise back up to the top.

LF: Do you know there's a trick that you can do, um, to go down underwater?

-Oh, yeah? 

LF: Yep, my friend had a hot tub and he could stay Down Under for a long time because he was cheating.

S: Breathe the bubbles.

LF: Yes.

S: Outta her vagina.

LF: Yes.

S: That's amazing. We were at a strip joint – I'm not kidding here – like, a coupla days ago and this girl…

LF: Talented.

S: Could 'breathe' on command. It was the most strange thing I've ever seen in my life.

LF: It was in a strip club.

S: It was in Brisbane, where apparently that's a very popular thing to do. Um, I've never seen anything like it, and it didn't actually make me wanna get a lapdance from her, but it was fascinating and I did write it into my journal that evening after I masturbated.    

-Do they allow you to take photos?

S: Ah, we can't actually see – it's like taking a photo of a fart.

LF: No, but what you can take a photo of is the chair that fell out of her vagina.

S: There was a chair in there?

LF: Like a small chair. It wasn't a big, like, real person's chair like that [gestures towards a chair]. It was a small dollhouse chair.

S: See that happens, though. When you have a vagina that can do those kind of tricks, sometimes if she was  sucking air into it – I don't even know how she did it – but sometimes, you know, you've gotta be careful: you can't leave, like, small objects [gestures towards the Dictaphone] – the tape recorder would get sucked right into there.

LF: That's what I'm wondering, did she have kids? Is she sittin' on toys? I dunno, what else?     

S: Well you wouldn't wanna leave any small children around when she's doing that.

LF: No.

S: That's for sure. They'd go right back up to where they came from, do you know what I'm saying?

LF: [To Satchel]: Don't you wish you could do that if you were a girl, though? It's like, 'I don't want this,' [makes sound to denote something disappearing] and then…

S: You wouldn't need a vacuum cleaner. You'd just walk around the house…

LF: Or a hanger.

S: What?

LF: No, nothing. When are we starting?

S: What was the question again?

-There was no question.

LF: When are we starting?

-Oh, it's already started.

LF: Oh, okay.

S: Dude, are you kidding? We're already halfway through this, dude. This is amazing.

-I do the old press play before arrival. It's a good trick.

S: You do? I bet you do. Touch your button right before we walk in the door, huh?  

-Exactly right. Continuing with that line of thought, I've often wondered: why do rockstars like dating pornstars? In terms of, if it's so easily accessible and so many people go there…

S: Because they've got killer pussies and asses and shit.

-But would it be a killer pussy?

S: That's a fuckin' good band name.

LF: Killer Pussy's a fuckin' badass band name. Oh, do you know what? I already know what the cover would look like. It would be a vagina lip with like big fuckin' Jaws teeth.

-And with a chair coming out of it, maybe.

S: Yeah, with a chair comin' out of it.

-And maybe the chair's crushed.

LF: Well maybe the chair has spikes on it, to even kill you more.

S: You need to manage a band.

LF: You definitely need to start your own record label.

S: Yeah, you could fuckin' make a hundred dollars.

LF: Tonnes of fuckin' money and you're hot!

-Thanks very much.

LF: You're welcome.

S: Yeah, you're fucking hot.

LF: Yeah, you're well hot. You can get far; you can get far with your looks.

S: You can say, 'Hey, I wanna sign you to my label and bands would go, 'I totally wanna fuck…'

-Yeah, but you guys aren't looking for a label at the moment.

S: No, but we'll still fuck you. We're cool with it.

LF: We stay at this hotel we're not just here to…

S: We don't need to be on your label to fuck you, okay.

-You're not just here to fuck spiders.

S: Hahaha, what was that? Fuck spiders, what's that?

-It's the weirdest saying, 'Not just here to fuck spiders' means that you're busy doing lots of things…

LF: I've never heard that.

S: I've never heard that either. Oh fuck, I haven't heard that at all. Why would you ever wanna fuck a spider? Spiders don't even have a vagina, do you know that?

LF: I will fuck a crushed spider, do you know…

S: It's a butthole. Do you know…

[They reach across to fist bump each other]

-Haha, that is a new one for me: Crushed spider. I can see it. Chocolate starfish, though.

S: Chocolate starfish is another one. See, did that originate Down Under?

-It did.

S: It did, right?

LF: It has to.

S: Because it's right next to the vagina.

-We had a band called Chocolate Starfish in Australia.

S: Did you really? Were they signed to your label?

-No.

LF: Bryget, you've gotta– after this – think about that. Really. You know?

-I think I definitely will.

S: Oh, if you were the president of a label, yeah, trust me, in this day and age you won't make much money, but you could fuck a lot of bands.

LF: Nuh, you won't make any cash, but it'll be fun.

-Well that's important as well.

LF: Learning new words, comin' up with bitchin' band names.

S: It really is, 'cause, you know what? When you're fuckin' on your death bed, you know, you're not gonna be thinkin', like, 'God! I should've spent that extra fuckin' 700 bucks that's in my bank account,' you're gonna be thinkin', 'That was killer fuckin' that girl in the ass that one time'.

LF: Mmmm-hmmmm.

S: And then you would pass away.

LF: And it would only cost 700 bucks.

S: Exactly.

[...]

S: You have really nice breasts.

LF: Yeah, you do. You've got a great body.

-Thanks very much.

S: Did you have your breasts enhanced?

-They're not enhanced, no.

LF: They look fuckin' amazing. They're the perfect size. They're perfect.

-They're real!

S: They're real?

-Mmm-hmm.

LF: Yep, that's what's badass. I mean, I like the fake things, but I also like the feel…

S: Hey, if there's grass on the field play ball, ya know what I mean? I don't even know what that means, but…

LF: No, I was gonna ask you.

S: Those are real breasts?

-You can have a feel if you want.

S: What?

-You can have a feel if you want.

S: For real?

LF: Really?

-Totally. I don't mind.

S: Can I feel your breast? Like, just touch it.

-Yeah, do it.

S: Oh!

LF: This is the best FUCKIN' interview!

S: [Whispers as he closes in] This is so awesome.

LF: [Zeroes in on the other breast] The best interview, they're fuckin' GREAT! They're fuckin' amazing. Real – [turns to Satchel] feel that, because some of these girls think it's a big deal to get their breasts all fakey, fakey. That'sa fuckin' good breast!

S: Wow, fuck me! Is your vagina real? [Moves in to cop a feel]

-Haha, yes my vagina is real! [Guides his hand away from area]

S: Haha, that's the first time I've ever had that said to me before in my life. Write that down. That's a first time, here in Melbourne 2009 or whatever the fuck year it is.

-So considering a lot of people have photos of you guys on their walls…

S: Usually it ends with, 'Mutherfucker!' that's the thing, haha.

-Who would you guys have posted up on your walls…

S: What?

-When you were going through adolescence?

S: I'm still thinking about touching your breasts right now.

LF: The Flintstones.

-The Flintstones?

S: The Flintstones?

LF: Did you hear her question? She was asking about…

S: No, I was thinking about her tits.

LF: I know, it was tough for me to absorb that question too; I'm still thinking about my fucking hand mooshing on it.

S: Yeah, haha, well.

LF: Ah, it was fuckin' fun! So many girls like to do that, but they're just fuckin' big mountains of just, just, just…

S: It's called silicone, yeah. That's a good album title that: Mountains Of Silicone.

LF: Mountains Of Silicone.

S: Right, what's the name of the band again?

LF: I dunno.

S: Pussy Killer!

LF: Pussy Killer!

S: Killer Pussy!

LF: Killer Pussy! Mountains Of Silicone by Killer Pussy.

-So many ideas! I'll have to send you the transcript.

LF: That's' why I'm saying – we're gonna give this to you if you wanna take advantage of this when you're driving home, or whatever you're gonna do, walking home or whatever, think of shit: think about your label name and how many bands and what you're gonna – you have all kinds of good ideas. Then we'll maybe…

S: As soon as we get fired from our label, we'll sign with your fuckin' label. How do ya like that?

LF: How do you like that?

-I love that. I'll poach you.  

LF: And I will moosh my hand on your breast every day if you want.

S: Yeah, watch out, man, because you start doing that and then all of a sudden, you know, she's taking all the money from your bank account. That's how that shit works.

LF: Whadda they say? You can't piss where you…

S: I'll let you touch my tit again if, you know, I can have 75% of your earnings.

LF: Oh, and then I start to get sucked into it and then all of a sudden I'm living on the street, like, sucking dick for fucking food.  

S: Yeah, right, so nothing's changed.

Next week, Part Two of our chat with the Steel Panther gentlemen. We discuss lip gloss, glam rock classics and eating soup while getting head.

The band's new record All You Can Eat is out today! JB Hi-Fi are streaming it in full right now; click the image below to hear it.