Live Review: The Lost Lands

Saturday

After getting lost en route to The Lost Lands (thanks, iPhone Google GPS thingy), we pitch our tent and come out just in time to see a toddler running past hollering, "Tell me whatcha want/whatcha weally, weally want," to his two toddler buddies. Yep, this is a festival designed for kids. Said toddler is later spotted 'fronting' a band, singing this same song on the High Voltage Rock School stage - he's bossing everyone around and drops the mic; definite rockstar in the making. Then he freestyles about Herman The Worm. There's a circus recruitment campaign next to this stage as well - should be labelled Heckers Section in the origin on the festival site map.

There's a Tinta handmade natural wax crayons stall in the market and various other activities such as 'make your own crazy festival headgear' in the Main Stage area to keep children occupied all day long.

Architecture In Helsinki have employed a brass trio for the occasion. As they launch into their first song That Beep (aka the "B-B-B-B-Beep-Beep!" song), a neighbour announces, "It sounds like ABBA!" And it DOES borrow heavily from Take A Chance On Me. Onstage synchronised dancing allows the kiddies to copy and Architecture In Helsinki cement a career in performing in front of kids. Lead singer Kellie Sutherland has even dressed accordingly in neon pink and orange dress, with yellow tights. A couple of annoying ladies play the tambourine incessantly to the point where we feel the need to relocate.  

A cover of The Cure's Close To Me features a fun clapping pattern, that's tricky for young hands but also allows the trumpeter to truly shine. Cameron Bird sounds like someone's druncle doing karaoke and we can't help but wonder whether his lyrical inventiveness when singing, "In The Mansion/The Werribee Mansion/The lion sleeps tonight," may freak a few kids out as they try to sleep in their tents tonight.

The band on Little Big Stage, No Waves, pulls a crowd due to their captivating rawness. These kids feel the music. BOOKMARK FOR FURTHER INVESTIGATION!

Then we enter Kids Big Top to check out Children Are Stinky (who took out the Children's Choice Award at Edinburgh Fringe Festival) just in time to hear the duo telling their audience that if neither of them farted it must've been us! They demonstrate unimaginable feats, including controlled handstands on hastily stacked chairs, and it's the adults who scream loudest: "Higher! Higher!" Audience involvement always leaves participants feeling empowered and this pair clearly suffer for their art (the dude licks chalk from the blackboard, for chrissake!) They ingeniously incorporate some Daft Punk for the adults to groove along to and we're so pleased we popped into this Big Top, which is beautifully decorated with a dream-catcher-inspired centrepiece hanging down from the apex.

The portaloo area is called Stinky Land (LOL). Hearing a dude shout through a portaloo door, "Open up and I'll show you how to do it," would sound dodgy at any other festival.

The probability of being struck in the head by a flying object is tripled at The Lost Lands. And they must be selling those tennis balls on elastic somewhere; bruises on legs and ankles tomorrow are guaranteed. And you can't tell me these balls accidentally find human targets every time.

A Star Wars theme intro tape introduces Ozomatli and then it turns into a trumpet party. That percussionist/rapper Justin "El Nino" Poree is all rockstar swagger and we wish we could stay, but wanna see what Laughter Yoga's all about on Little Big Stage. Hmmm, not sure about it. It's all a bit hippie mung bean and 'fake it 'til you make it' for us.

We're surprised when a storyteller hits Little Big Stage next when we're expecting Melbourne's Lazertits (or Lazertatas as they've been named for their G-rated The Lost Lands shows). His Jack And The Bean Stalk-inspired tale includes the following observation: "and we all know people who have had too much to drink can't run very fast."

When 'Lazertatas' finally commence they promise it's a G-rated set before kicking off with a song about periods. "We may have realised that was a wildly inappropriate first song," Amy Pettifer giggles afterwards. They are often caught off guard as they sing inappropriate lyrics such as, "I don't wanna get high unless it's with you," but the crowd doesn't mind. "You're fabulous! You're fresh!" A grandpa yells out encouragingly from the back stalls. And fabulous they sure are. FYI, kiddie-mosh pits are mental! And performing to dancing toddlers has gotta be super-fun. Their song Very Berry Milkshake is a particular hit with the dancing throng and all girls onstage smile broadly.

We keep walking past a banana peel in the campsite. No one slips on it, unfortunately. That Default song by Django Django is like red cordial for kids' ears. An announcement over the PA warns, "The mozzies are coming!" and we all rush to first aid for the Aerogard while imagining what a great ad this would make.

Now it's back to Main Stage for The Grates. Appropriately enough, Patience Hodgson looks as if her hair's been dyed in the same tub as her frock and she flings a bright pink fur fabric coat, which has been decorated with ivy and glitter plus the kitchen sink, around. Many young girls in the crowd undoubtedly wanna grow up to be her.

Kids have red lights attached to their wrists and ankles to help them stand out in the dark. We also spy wee'uns in prams clutching balloons that somehow glow from within.

"My nanna and pop, they love you," is a comment The Waifs say made them realise they are a "family band". Everyone's favourite backpacker anthem London Still attracts such a loud crowd sing-along that Donna Simpson remarks afterwards it's a dream to hear thousands of people sing along to a song she wrote in a little room in London while feeling lonely and homesick. One bloke impatiently calls for "The Love Song", but must wait a couple more songs before he's sated (it's actually called Love Serenade, though). There's a noteworthy electric guitar solo by Josh Cunningham during this one and Simpson is so into it that she busts moves like she's dancing to George Michael's Faith in her lounge room. Born To Love raises the "Woo!"s. Vikki Thorne slays on mouth organ especially during Crazy Train, which perfectly shows off their rocking side. "Next year, watch out for The Waifs gang," Simpson threatens, explaining they'd love to be in attendance next year together with their brood (the sisters boast six sons between them). We're then told their sons love making new friends at festivals with the promise of backstage access.

Over at Sleeping Bag Cinema, a small crowd lies in sleeping bags on the floor watching Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory complete with hot buttered popcorn for $5 a pop.

Hot chocolate en route to the tent post-film? Sure thing. And a young lad pulls at his mum's sleeve, pleading, "Mum, they've got chai!" Kids these days.

Sunday

A couple of cool l'il dudes are bottle flipping around the entrance to Le Petite Grande before Kiki + Pascal's second show of the day inside the mini Spiegeltent. Amazingly, Le Petite Grande has a 120-person capacity and we decide we'd better check this out for ourselves. These 20-or-so minute circus shows are ideal for short attention spans and we watch Kiki work her entire body through a tennis racket (there was hip dislocation involved). She then sits on a table wearing a so-called wedding dress before Pascal puts a box over her and pierces 13 sharpened sticks right through the box. Some kiddies are actually terrified for Kiki's safety at this point. Quality.

Out on Main Stage, newcomer Alex Lahey plays some new stuff including Everyday's A Weekend. She endearingly studies her guitar neck to ensure correct finger placement during newer songs. "This song is about getting dumped in Perth," is how Lahey intros Perth Traumatic Stress Disorder, which features rambunctious cymbal-heavy drumming. Call to the wild Let's Go Out is a set highlight. Lahey gives the toddlers some advice on which university majors they should avoid before B-Grade University. "She's good value," a nearby mum praises of Lahey's banter before this unstoppable emerging artist closes with her barnstorming breakout hit You Don't Think You Like People Like Me. We look around during her final song and see many punters singing along come the chorus.

The Bamboos come crashing out of the gates fronted by the inimitable Tim Rogers to Blow Your Whistle while dressed like an urban cowboy with gold reflector aviators. Then in comes "the high priestess of soul" (as introduced by debonair band leader Lance Ferguson) Kylie Auldist to add to their recipe for SUCCESS. Damn, Ferguson! Your outfit is as slick as this outfit sounds! Rogers calls to mind a horny Yosemite Sam up there. The brass in Rules Of Attraction channels KC & The Sunshine Band's Boogie Shoes and we're certainly not complaining. Rogers is loose! Swigging from a stubbie, which he refers to as "Werribee tap water", up onstage he's also this band's unofficial hypeman, repeatedly extolling, "With The Bamboos, you can't LOSE!" Lime Rickey goes off with its list of ingredients for a chorus. Rogers gives Lahey a massive plug, praising her props as a singer-songwriter. He also takes this opportunity to reassure any kids in the crowd who may be getting bullied at school. "Small minds make big statements," he posits before pointing out he was bullied, but look at him now! It's definitely hold-onto-your-hat weather at this point, but there's also pretty bubbles floating by on the gusty breeze.

While the vocalists take a break, we score a solo from each of The Bamboos as they're introduced by the immaculate Ferguson sporting RayBans and dapper grey suit jacket. Yuri Pavlinov particularly destroys when given his opportunity to shine. Auldist is welcomed back to the stage along with Rogers, who has changed into a baffling outfit of black, ruffle-fronted long-sleeved shirt, unbuttoned (almost) to the waist with long pendant, black slacks, tan shoes and (wait for it) aqua turban!? You Am I's Heavy Heart is an unexpected treat (complete with a freestyled section commending Ben Mendelssohn for winning an Emmy!). Ferguson's guitar solo during I Got Burned burns blindingly bright. You would not wanna follow this class act of Tim Rogers & The Bamboos.

But someone has to and Bec Reid Dance bounds on stage to quickly and effectively teach us some simple choreography. It's awesome to see the moonwalk kept alive during this routine and the children who excelled during previous classes are invited to the stage to show us what they've got.

Before too long, Tash Sultana's gentle riffs drift across on the ferocious winds we're currently experiencing. As Sultana builds and loops her songs, she's a musical conduit.  And just when you think a song is fully formed, in comes an extra layer to completely blow our minds. Sultana's presence is so powerful and she always looks stoked to be given an opportunity to perform. Then she picks up her guitar and is an absolute beast. So fucking impressive! Hopefully Sultana will remain a solo act; no extra musicians are needed here. Sultana tells us she brought all her grandparents along today, which makes it extra special for her because they've never actually seen what she does before. You can see Sultana's genuine enthusiasm upon hearing the sounds she produces. And that's before she's even picked up the melodica. She truly embodies her music and makes the live experience incredibly exciting.

Someone yells out "HOLY SHIT!" (yes, in ALLCAPS) and that just about sums it up. I bet every young girl here wants to grow up to be as gangsta as Sultana. She is a shining light of empowerment for all. Sultana somehow manages to make beatboxing through a pan flute sound good and even the bouncers are dancing. The individual letters from The Lost Lands backdrop spin uncontrollably, jostled by extreme gusts of wind as Sultana performs Jungle. Pure sonic genius.

Harts in three-piece mode is a-okay. Darren Hart's guitar speaks; it's full of sass and often echoes the vocal melodies. His keys may be covered in plastic wrap to protect from rainfall, Werribee approaches Arctic temps but something's definitely hot in here. Hart does so much more than just play guitar. He feels it out, delivering whatever sound the guitar wants to deliver. And Peculiar delivers. While introducing his band, Hart tells us his drummer is from Werribee. That bassist, though! Red And Blue is extraordinary and the wind whips up to blow Hart's hair back just so; nature supplies the best possible wind machine. Hart gurns unselfconsciously to create riff majesty, often open-mouthed, and we worry that one day a moth will fly in there. When Hart sings AND plays guitar: that's actually almost too much bliss to handle all at once. Then he goes and plays guitar behind his back to totally redefine insanity. Prince wouldn't select just anyone to carry on his legacy now would he? Harts equals superstar-ready. Just what or who is holding him back from world domination is one of life's great mysteries.

Our sole gripe with The Lost Lands would be the extra charges for rides. Maybe add a little more to the ticket price so that every child can experience the Ferris Wheel and Little Red Train? But if the amount of overheard convos about returning next year are anything to go by, The Lost Lands is a great find for music-loving families.