"Beards Go Beyond The Realm Of The Male"

The Music begins this chat with Nathaniel Beardman, oddly not his real name, with origins, and things look promising as he opens up about his pre-bearded life. “We met at university. Three of us were in the beards club and playing as a themeless comedy band called The Dairy Brothers, until one day we saw a guy on the plaza at university singing songs about beards. We had been writing a load of beard-related poetry separately, and we decided to form a band with him.” The guitar player remains in the band to this day, under the name of Facey McStubbleton. “We don’t like to look back on that era very much because quite frankly we were a horrible band. And we didn’t have beards.”

Beardman goes on to share the story of his first beard. “I grew my first beard when I was 20. Since then, I’ve gone back and taken all the evidence and photos from before I had a beard and burned them.” He briefly lets the history rest there.

“If I had to choose one beard to be the greatest of all time, I would choose Charles Darwin’s beard,” he says after much faux-egalitarian hesitation. “A lot gets written about him and he gets a lot of scientific respect and credit, but he never receives enough attention for his beard. I think he would have been just as famous if he didn’t do anything other than grow that beard.”

While we’re on the topic of social evolution, we discuss the beard as a symbol of male power and patriarchy. “We think beards go beyond the realm of the male. They are a universal symbol of greatness and we encourage everyone to grow a beard.” Nonetheless, he’s soon unconsciously backtracking when he asserts that “a beard is nature’s way of showing manliness and power.” He claims to be convinced that history will show that shaving was a fad, not the pastoral or primitive image of the beard, and for a while harps on about Gillette conspiracies.

It’s pointed out that studies have actually found that women perceive bearded men as being more masculine, but are more attracted to men with heavy stubble. “I think you need to show scrutiny towards the people who made these studies,” he suggests. “Were they being paid by a shaving company? Was the person who conducted the study unable to grow a healthy beard and wanted to sway the research? Those findings seem spurious at best.”