Jupiter Ascending

You may have heard rumours that Jupiter Ascending, the new interstellar adventure from the Matrix-creating Wachowski siblings, is the kind of berserk, big-budget blow-out that only talented filmmakers can deliver – you know the drill, it’s flawed but so ambitious and out-there that we as cinemagoers are lucky to have it, and years from now we’ll truly recognise and appreciate it.

Well, we’re not psychics but are willing to wager that in the future Jupiter Ascending will either be forgotten entirely or simply seen as what it is: a run-of-the-mill sci-fi yarn about fucking estate planning that is only distinguished by the occasional glam visual and the odd misjudged performance.

The Wachowskis love their ‘chosen one’ stories, and in this case the chosen one is Jupiter (a wan, disengaged Mila Kunis), whose mundane life as a Chicago cleaning lady takes an unexpected turn when she learns she’s the reincarnation of a galactic matriarch whose family basically owns Earth. Said matriarch’s three kids – including The Theory Of Everything’s Eddie Redmayne, hoarsely whispering his lines until it’s TIME TO SHOUT – are squabbling over who inherits the planet (so they can strip-mine it of the most valuable resource there is: human life), and that places Jupiter in the midst of intrigue and danger.

Luckily, lawman Caine (Channing Tatum, kitted out with wolf DNA, anti-gravity boots and the rent-boy hairstyle he sported in Foxcatcher) is there to protect her. Much zooming through the cosmos ensues, but even if you’re traditionally the target market for such a story you can probably give this one a miss, unless you’re mad keen on a version of Guardians Of The Galaxy with all the life sucked out of it.

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