Good Or Shit: Time For A Second Coming

I have a crush on Jesus.

I've been told this is blasphemous, but I don't see how. It isn't like lusting over some superficially gorgeous man with an ego the size of the hole in the ozone layer who gets off on burning you. This is real. This is a deep attraction. If I met him, I'm almost certain we would experience a heady connection brought about by a meeting of the heart and mind, by a shared belief in the principles of social justice, peace, and love. The fact that history has drawn him as a rugged hunk is only a bonus.

Lately, I've been thinking a lot about Jesus' leadership skills. It started sometime after the budget announcement – a blitzkrieg in the war on morality. My friend and I were sitting on the couch, respective laptops on laps, trawling through Facebook. Despite our individual friend lists, our newsfeeds looked exactly the same – a flood of anti-Australian Government sentiment.

You'd literally have to spend days scrolling past the articles, memes, activist campaign posters, and a whole heap of opinionated, pissed off and despondent status updates, before you could get to your regular old knob-heads posting 17 pictures of themselves in only slightly different poses, including the blurry ones. 

Australian politics makes me want to lie down and watch back-to-back episodes of Gossip Girl.  And you know you're in a state of Can't Cope when all you care about is whether or not Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass will finally be together.

Across the world, the right is rising. From the European elections to the Abbott government's budget in which, as per the usual right-wing agenda, the worse-off in our society are to be screwed, and that small little section of the wealthy and powerful are to be protected. It's enough to give you diarrhoea.

Anti-your neighbour? Paying to be healed? It's all very un-Jesus.

American comedian Stephen Colbert once said, referring to his own country – “If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it.”

As a child, I used to lay in bed at night begging Jesus and his mother not to ever appear to me – at the time, the Virgin was making regular appearances to a bunch of Bosnian kids in Medjugorje so you can see why this might have been an eight-year-old's legitimate concern – because I feared that I wouldn't have what it took to be the good person you were supposed to become after having such a vision. Even as a child I knew that in life, it takes more guts to sacrifice for the sake of others, and for the common good, than it does to be selfish.  

I'm not a religious person in the sense that I believe in a Christian heaven and hell or that God promised anyone any scrap of land anywhere.

I do believe in the basic principles that lie in Jesus' teachings – love, tolerance and equality – and I can't see how current world leaders ascribe to any of it. (I also believe in the basic premise of The Da Vinci Code, but that's not really relevant here).

I don't know of a single person on a ballot paper in the entire world who actually has the courage, the bravery, to stand up and say – WE'RE DOING IT WRONG.

The most inspiring, charismatic words I come across these days are on Facebook:

 I hope Australia can recover from the destruction these agents of evil are heaping on this country.

Pyne is nothing but a grub.

Seriously, is this guy fucking kidding?? No mention of closing off shore detention which would save billions or stopping the subsidies for big fuel companies. You absolutely deplorable excuse for a human being.

[Tony Abbott is a] douche canoe.

Scott Morrison, you are a skid mark on the underpants of Australian society.

I think it's time for Jesus to come back.

I don't mean any evangelical Christian shit where, when the second coming occurs, Jews, Muslims, and every other man and his dog will have 24 hours to convert to Christianity OR ELSE. (Creeps. Seriously, what a bunch of creeps.) I just wanna see the guy walk into Parliament and start smashing shit up – money-lenders-in-the-temple-style.

Imagine him standing on the table, scowling at everyone as he shouts – Are you people? Or money grubbing monsters? Will you be remembered for your selfishness? Or for your generosity? For your charity? Or your cruelty? For your fear? Or for your BRAVERY? RARRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

HOT.

A bunch of well-paid smarmy Tories once told me that the problem with the left wing is that it has no sense of humour. Too caught up in being nice at all times. In short – meek.

Yeah? Well blessed are the meek, bitches. And it's time for us to inherit the Earth.