Sydney Lockout Laws To Attack Lawn Bowlers, Quilters

As the people of Sydney debate the relative merits of the strict lockout laws that will soon come into effect in the Sydney CBD, SPA Confidential has been notified of proposed changes to be rolled out in a second round of proposed lockouts.

Targeting bowls clubs and community halls, the new laws will see extreme measures imposed in an attempt to to crackdown on octagenarian violence reported to have been sweeping Australia.

Limiting alcohol sales from 11am to 2pm, final dinner orders at 3.30pm and a mandatory closing time of 4.30pm and a complete ban on shandies have been tabled as possible new measures to be implemented soon.

Len Charles of the Sydney Lawn Bowls Association has hit out at the new proposed regulations, which SPA Confidential obtained from a contact who organises unlicenced bocce tournaments, saying the new laws would just lead to frustration.

“Sure, there are plenty of us who are already in bed by 4.30pm, but if we want to stay out at the club then we should be allowed to,” he said.

“When you bring in rules like this, some of the patrons will start turning to full strength beer and wine and might even start going to pubs and drinking schooners. I know it's a horrible thing to think about, but rules like this could even drive some of us to start drinking craft beer.”

It's not just bowlers who will be affected by the changes, community groups will soon been notified that the halls in which they operate will be hit with large risk-based fees.

“But, we don't even drink,” Deirdre Nolan of the Sydney CBD Quilters Club said today. “Sure, there was some unpleasantness when we found out that Roslyn had an affair with Philomena's ex-husband while they were married, but she was struck with a coffee mug, not a beer glass.”